Kids love me. They just naturally gravitate to me and I’m not really sure why. It really makes my sister in-law jealous (she is experiencing infertility also). I think it may be because I have big eyes and look inviting, or because I have always been around kids and know how to interact with them, but at any rate, they love me and I bask in that love.
So, we took our friends’ daughter Kadee (3 years) out on our boat this past weekend. Kadee and I are great friends and we have a blast playing together. We hung out all day, jumped in the water, fed the ducks and ate cookies. Several times when I walked past her, she would reach out and give my leg a very tight-squeezed bear hug, completely unsolicited. Nothing makes me want to gobble her up more! All day long, she wanted nothing to do with her mom because she and I were having a ball.
At one point during the day she smashed her fingers in the lid of the ice chest. It was getting towards naptime so she was a little cranky and she started crying, even though she wasn’t really hurt too bad. I tried to comfort her, but “I want my mommy!” So, mom had to get out of the water to make it all better. All I could think, was “I want THAT soooo bad!” (Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t EXPECT to be able to be her everything!)
I love all the kids in my life. There are so many and I am so blessed to have so many little friends. I go to more birthday parties than the most popular girl in the first grade. When I show up at a BBQ, the kids swarm me and are always happy to see me. I love kids, I really really do. But I want MY kids. I want to be someone’s everything. I want to be the one they run to when they are hurt or sleepy. I want to be the one they tell when someone at school hurt their feelings. I want to be the one they make all their pictures for at school. I want all that soooo bad!
And I am so excited for it! Because for the first time in my life, I really feel like it is going to happen. And the best part is I don’t need it to happen next week or next month. If it did, it would be greater than great, but I don’t NEED it to. This adoption journey is so peaceful for me. I am happy and excited and I have stuff to do to get ready, but at the same time, there isn’t anything I can do to make it go any faster. (talk to me in a year though, I hope I still feel this way!!)
Miraculously My Own 
Exactly. I want that, too. It is a difference whether you can be everything for a child like they are your everything or whether you are just the aunt or the babysitter. I can’t wait to be the one to console our child.
You have so eloquently summed up everything I feel! I’m also a “kid magnet” with lots of special little people in my life whom I love very much. BUT…I can’t wait for the one(s) who call me mommy. There’s just no comparison. Just reading this post, I know you will be a stellar mom someday! Maybe/hopefully all the waiting will make those future days that much sweeter!
I feel the same way…..God has put me at peace…I’m ok with the wait…there is a light…and I can see it now.
I know it’s very hard to see it now, but coming from one who has been where you are twice, enjoy the time alone with your husband. Do all the things you want to do while you are waiting. Don’t put your life on hold! Your day to mother will come and believe it or not, these waiting days will fade away. You will always remember them as they’ve become a part of you, but the hurt will be less and the joy will be more! Hang in there my friend!!! It will happen!