7 10 2009
Awhile back, Melba, in her wonderful Melba-way, posted a beautiful post encouraging those still waiting to “keep holding on.” She said that she knew how hard it was to keep holding on. I couldn’t agree more. Keeping up that hope and desire is really tough!! I have been thinking about that a lot… the waiting, the hoping, the aching, the longing, the sadness. It is NOT fun. So why do we do it? Why do we keep holding on when it is so HARD to hold on? Ironically enough, because letting go is so exponentially more difficult.

I’m the type of person that gives up. Not necessarily in a bad way, although it doesn’t sound good, does it? I guess I would say that I am pretty adaptable. While outwardly people probably wouldn’t describe me as “happy-go-lucky,” I have always been internally happy. Even when I was waiting and it was really hard, I was still happy, just missing something. Unfulfilled. So for me, when things have gotten really tough, I have been able to just let go and find happiness elsewhere. Infertility, or rather, creating a family, is honest to goodness the first thing in life that I have truly struggled with and struggled to hold onto. I couldn’t let go. As hard as it was to hold on, letting go just wasn’t an option. The idea of giving up my dream of being a mom was (and still is) unfathomable. I’m so thankful that God purposed my heart towards motherhood in a way that it wasn’t something I could just let go of and find happiness somewhere else. Obviously because now I am incredibly fulfilled as a mother, but also because I actually had to work hard for something. I know that if you want something bad enough (…and your heart is pure. Haha! FRIENDS quote. Anyone following me here? Never mind! ). Anyway, you get what I am saying.

After we quit our IF treatments, I HATED reading IF blogs. I did it anyway, of course, but they were SO.HARD.TO.READ. It just brought back that huge rollercoaster that was one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through. I just felt so HEAVY when people were just starting their IF journey. I think because my IF journey was unsuccessful, that the whole process is completely tainted for me and I have a feeling of dread for the person undergoing treatments. My perception of IF treatments in nothing but failure; a dark tunnel that sometimes had false light that ended in failure. I couldn’t muster up hope for them, I had none. I know (both IRL and blogworld) that IF treatments are often successful, but not in my little world. Not to mention I was still going through my own adoption rollercoaster, that was very different, but equally(?) difficult.

Now, post adoption, I have equally as hard of a time reading pre-adoption blogs, but for the exact opposite reason. I can’t tell them that it gets better. I can’t tell them that it is all worth it. I can’t tell them that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is brighter and more beautiful than they could have ever imagined. I can’t tell them that it WILL happen, even when it really feels like it never will. Well, we all know that I CAN tell them, but it won’t help. I don’t know how many times I was told that all of those things. I had sincere hope that those words were true, but it didn’t take away the pain and didn’t really make me feel better for more than a few seconds. Now, that is super frustrating to me. I want my friends that are waiting and longing and hoping to know, really know that the outcome will alleviate your pain and make you happier than you could have ever imagined. So, like Melba said, keep holding on!



15 responses

7 10 2009

Right. People do tell me that I do believe that, but it doesn't take away the pain I'm currently going through. And yes, why can't I quit? I just can't.

7 10 2009

It's so nice to know it's not just me. 🙂 The encouragement from others only goes so far – but I know in my heart they mean well. Sometimes I just want to say "Yes, this "adoption process" is going to be awesome SOMEDAY – it's just that right now it sort of feels like it sucks."Thanks for reminding us – it WILL happen!

7 10 2009
M/J Granata

🙂 so hard… 😦 thank you!

7 10 2009

Thanks B for this post. I am slowly coming to accept that adoption may not happen for us. I'm getting to the point where letting go hurts less than continuing to wait… unfortunately.

7 10 2009

Thank you for pouring your heart out on this post. It is nice to know that it DOES get better. I think I know in my heart of hearts that it will get better but it is sometimes hard to remember that and truly believe it. Thank you.

7 10 2009

May I say that I completely agree with you? Great post.

7 10 2009

Fantastic post… it's so important to remember those who haven't reached their destination yet, with emphasis on "yet". 🙂

7 10 2009

Beautifully written

7 10 2009

I agree 100%

8 10 2009
Life and Adoption!

thank you for this post! I am the type that gives up too, and I've had to force myself to keep moving forward. I can't read IF blogs either, mainly because I feel like I've overcome that hurdle and I just can't go backwards. I hope I will feel different after we adopt.

8 10 2009

Thanks for this…I'm glad to know that other people have trouble reading certain blogs! I do it anyway, but the hardest ones for me right now are the people who are matched, which sounds horrible to even say. It's kind've like hearing from people who are pregnant…I don't really like to hear every detail of it because it hurts, but once the adopted or biological baby is here, all of that is forgotten. It's so weird how things affect you different ways at different times. And so true…at this point for me, it would hurt worse to give up than to keep waiting.

8 10 2009

Great post, BB…I couldn't agree more! I wish there was something I could say to all those who are where we were only a short time ago. Melba

8 10 2009

i agree ~ it has to felt with the heart to truly understand what those words mean. until then…they are just words. somedays they console and give you hope and then some days they just piss you off. 🙂 so yes…..keep hanging on ~ it's worth every single second that you've been waiting. 🙂

9 10 2009

I totally know what you mean about wanting to tell them but knowing you can't. I just want to give them a hug but I say a prayer instead and keep reading their blog waiting for that out-of-the-blue post saying it's happened.

9 10 2009

Thank you for this post. I love how it is written. I really identify with it! 🙂

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