Awhile back, Melba, in her wonderful Melba-way, posted a beautiful post encouraging those still waiting to “keep holding on.” She said that she knew how hard it was to keep holding on. I couldn’t agree more. Keeping up that hope and desire is really tough!! I have been thinking about that a lot… the waiting, the hoping, the aching, the longing, the sadness. It is NOT fun. So why do we do it? Why do we keep holding on when it is so HARD to hold on? Ironically enough, because letting go is so exponentially more difficult.

I’m the type of person that gives up. Not necessarily in a bad way, although it doesn’t sound good, does it? I guess I would say that I am pretty adaptable. While outwardly people probably wouldn’t describe me as “happy-go-lucky,” I have always been internally happy. Even when I was waiting and it was really hard, I was still happy, just missing something. Unfulfilled. So for me, when things have gotten really tough, I have been able to just let go and find happiness elsewhere. Infertility, or rather, creating a family, is honest to goodness the first thing in life that I have truly struggled with and struggled to hold onto. I couldn’t let go. As hard as it was to hold on, letting go just wasn’t an option. The idea of giving up my dream of being a mom was (and still is) unfathomable. I’m so thankful that God purposed my heart towards motherhood in a way that it wasn’t something I could just let go of and find happiness somewhere else. Obviously because now I am incredibly fulfilled as a mother, but also because I actually had to work hard for something. I know that if you want something bad enough (…and your heart is pure. Haha! FRIENDS quote. Anyone following me here? Never mind! ). Anyway, you get what I am saying.

After we quit our IF treatments, I HATED reading IF blogs. I did it anyway, of course, but they were SO.HARD.TO.READ. It just brought back that huge rollercoaster that was one of the most difficult things I have ever gone through. I just felt so HEAVY when people were just starting their IF journey. I think because my IF journey was unsuccessful, that the whole process is completely tainted for me and I have a feeling of dread for the person undergoing treatments. My perception of IF treatments in nothing but failure; a dark tunnel that sometimes had false light that ended in failure. I couldn’t muster up hope for them, I had none. I know (both IRL and blogworld) that IF treatments are often successful, but not in my little world. Not to mention I was still going through my own adoption rollercoaster, that was very different, but equally(?) difficult.

Now, post adoption, I have equally as hard of a time reading pre-adoption blogs, but for the exact opposite reason. I can’t tell them that it gets better. I can’t tell them that it is all worth it. I can’t tell them that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, and it is brighter and more beautiful than they could have ever imagined. I can’t tell them that it WILL happen, even when it really feels like it never will. Well, we all know that I CAN tell them, but it won’t help. I don’t know how many times I was told that all of those things. I had sincere hope that those words were true, but it didn’t take away the pain and didn’t really make me feel better for more than a few seconds. Now, that is super frustrating to me. I want my friends that are waiting and longing and hoping to know, really know that the outcome will alleviate your pain and make you happier than you could have ever imagined. So, like Melba said, keep holding on!