Thankful just doesn’t quite say it

24 11 2009

So, my mind has been racing lately about where I am now vs where I was this time last year. Last Christmas was ROUGH. Christmas Eve was spent with my in-laws that all gave presents to my SIL for their soon-to-be twins. Christmas Day was spent with my family where we had all just learned that my sis was pregnant (later to find out they were twins) and nobody talked about it. Just a few days before R came into our lives, I told Hubbs that I was taking the holidays off this year. I just wasn’t going to be able to do Christmas or Thanksgiving because there wasn’t going to be a safe place for me to go. Everywhere was going to be so full of joy and happiness and I didn’t think I would be capable of mustering any up. I was so worried those babies would be a bunch of pain staring me in the eyes…

Enter Riley.

I did not like that part of myself that used to get so debilitating hurt over others’ pregnancies. I did not like feeling like I was being left behind and that there was a huge hole in my life, in my heart. I know I felt and thought a lot of things that I wish I hadn’t, but I don’t regret a moment of it. It got me where I am today.

So, on Wednesday we are heading up to the mountains to spend Thanksgiving with my family. Twenty six of my closest family members. Whoa, nelly! It should be an adventure, but it will be fun and I am sure that Riley will steal the show. Christmas we are doing our traditional Christmas (eve at in-laws, morning at our house, afternoon at my grandma’s). I am beyond excited and beyond thankful that I get to feel this way. This year, I get to be Santa. I can’t even express how cool it is. My mom tells me I need to chill out and do a little more when she will actually remember… but this isn’t really about R getting gifts from Santa, it is about us getting to GET her gifts from Santa. And I am thrilled.

My sister just stayed with us for three weeks. She is with my dad now, but I get to see her this weekend before she heads home. I can’t tell you how many times I held her children, cuddled those little heads and smiled back at those first little smiles and thought about how thankful I am that I can look at them with 100% pure joy. Pure JOY. Now, I am so thankful that I get to be a mom with my sister. For both of us, it was never something we even THOUGHT to dream about because it was unfathomable. Now, here we are. And it is so cool. I am so thankful that that she gets me. She understood what I was going through last Christmas and the following months and doesn’t hate me for it.

That being said, I would have LOVED these two no matter what. Now, it just comes pain free.

So, here is the thing with this child of mine. She is amazing. In every way. Being her mom is so fantastically fulfilling and I had no idea. She makes every day worth waking up for and I never take a single moment for granted. She is in every way my every dream come true. And at the same time, she has made me a better person. She has made be able to find joy in everything around me. She has made me a better sister and aunt than I could have ever been without her.




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