Adding to our family…

15 02 2010

I posted last week about how our total out of pocket expenses for our next adoption will be virtually nothing (well, actually, I said free, which of course, isn’t exactly the case upon further investigation, but it is close and I am more than happy with that).  So, now that we know how we are going to pay for it, the question of “when” has a whole lot less to do with money.

We always thought that, finances providing, we would look to get back in the pool when R was 18 months (pretty much the very second the agency allows us to).  That is in about 7 months.  SEVEN MONTHS!!

I have always always always wanted to have a big family.  That hasn’t changed.  What I am suprised about  is how much I feel like I am not ready.  The thought of adding to our family makes me feel very protective of R.  I am not ready to divide my attention.  I am not ready to share my love with another baby.  That sounds horrible.  But it isn’t.  I guess I just feel like I will be taking love and attention away from R by adding to our family.  I know that love doesn’t work that way, logically anyway.  But I guess I feel like I would be cheating on her.  Silly, huh?  I know it is silly and I can laugh at myself about it, but it is still how I feel.

Here is the problem.  With adoption, you don’t really get to decide.  We could be in the pool when R is 18 months and have another baby the next month.  Or, it could take years.  You never know.  So what do you do?  Do you wait until you are ready and then sit there ready for years?  Or do you take a chance and jump in the pool and hope for the best.  Also, there is also a GREAT possibility that I will be “ready” the very SECOND we get that call, regardless of whether I feel ready before that call.  It is almost laughable to think that I would EVER be even close to disappointed (or even hesitant) at the thought of bringing home another baby.

My number one pre-requisite for bring home baby #2:  Mama gets to work part-time.  I did discover I am probably not the stay-at-home mom type, but I KNOW I am definitely the part-time mama type.  I think we are on our way there…




9 responses

15 02 2010

Hey B… I can totally relate with what you are talking about but the choice was not exactly mine to make 🙂 Let me just say that we had very little “Holly only” time and we knew that so it was very special. The feelings, the splitting the love and the time?? It works. You love both children like crazy (although it was harder for me to bond with Hannah because of guilt I felt for Holly’s sake). And, you learn to balance the time. Try to look at it like giving R a sister or brother… and she will love that! If she’s at the stage yet, like Holly, where she hugs everything… try to imagine how she’ll love a baby. She will, and she’ll be happy about it. It’s scary but it works. And you’re right, even if you head into the pool, you never know when it’ll happen. All in HIS time right? Good luck with the decisions but if I had a vote… I’d say go for it! It’s great having two, I promise!

15 02 2010

How exciting! I wish we were ready to start on number 2, but Jay is like you, he shares the exact same feelings that you have. I say, even though the adoption will be almost “free” I would probably still start it in 18 months…that was your original plan and like you said, it may take years, months or weeks! So why not just start at that time?? And in the mean time you can start saving money, because as you know babies need STUFF!

15 02 2010
Dave Gerhart

We’re right there with ya! We had some money saved up for our 2nd adoption when Annie arrived, so we just pushed back our adoption plans until she turned 1. Idon’t know if you’re ever really “ready”, but we want maybe 4 kids, so we began the process again.

I’d admit, at times, it feels a bit crazy, but we’re at a great point in our lives to have a family with a great support system, so we’re pretty fortunate. Josiah and Annie are such blessings (neither of which came on our timetable) so why wouldn’t we want more of that kind of joy?

Looking forward to more of your adventure!

15 02 2010

Great post about a topic that’s been on my mind a lot lately! Oddly enough, I DO feel ready…but also very scared at the thought of re-living the adoption process, and of course what it would mean for Charlie, for our family as a whole, and for us financially. Our agency lets us go back in once Charlie is one and I think that’s probably what we will do. Of course it will take us a little time to get “pool-ready” and collect enough funds but (at least in my head) that’s the general plan. 🙂

Exciting stuff! I totally get your feelings about protection over R. I guess I feel so strongly that my siblings are a huge part of what made my childhood wonderful that I’m thinking of a brother/sister/large family more as a gift I want to give Charlie. I think MANY second time moms feel similarly to how you feel now though.

One thing that really is frustrating is that adoption inherently makes family planning tricky. Ideally I’d like our kids to be close in age but there is just no way to try and arrange that. They very well may be close in age but they could also be years apart. I guess (just like with SO MUCH of this journey from the ground up) we have to have some sort of faith that it will work out when and how it should! 🙂



15 02 2010

Amazing how you’ve described my very own feelings…! Cheating? I feel the exact same way! And I thought it was so weird…

15 02 2010

I think at anytime that you go from a one child home to a two parent home that the first child loses out some. My oldest lost out, because my second son was special needs and his future really depended on lots of attention from me and proffesionals. Only you can decide when is the right time to even think about adding to your family. But even though my son did lose some attention from me, he gained a brother and even with a big age difference they are close to each other.

16 02 2010

oh bri ~ i know exactly what you’re talking about….we definitely have the desire to add to our family, but i find myself thinking of milo first and how it all might affect him…. we chose an out of state agency last time and i just don’t think i could do that to milo….he needs us too. however, you just have no idea when the match will actually happen, so it’s hard to know what to do.:) just wanted to say you’re not alone in your thoughts and feelings. 🙂

16 02 2010

I know what you mean about not wanting to take anything away from your child, even by adding another one. Well, my husband and I discovered that we were indeed adding another child, by complete surprise and not intentionally. At first I was concerned, but I’ve heard again and again that your heart just grows, and I believe it. I’m already starting to love both children, even though I haven’t met the second one yet, and thinking about how it will be good for our son to have a sibling.

That is so incredibly awesome, by the way, that the benefits are paying for it!!! God is good!

6 03 2010
Debbie B

Very exciting!! I know what you mean about not being ready now. I was ready the whole first year, wanted to start as soon as we could. Then Isabel turned one and I became very selfish but I still want to start before she turns 3. Because I don’t want our kids to be far apart in age. But then like you said you just never know with adoption. I have a friend who started their second adoption and had their daughter home within a month. And another friend who has been waiting almost a year now for their second. It’s a roller coaster!

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