Jumping in

12 08 2010

I still don’t know if I will continue to have a job.  It has been five weeks.  FIVE weeks of sitting in this chair with nothing to do (as far as work goes, I mean, I have the entire internet at my disposal) and the imminent layoffs looming.  There is no question.  There will be layoffs.  Just how many and who are the big questions. 

The mind is a funny, funny thing.  I keep trying to tell myself to relax and not think about it, but I have thought about it every way humanly possible trying to figure out who they are going to layoff… when they are going to lay us off… what that look my boss just gave me means in terms of my employment… its psychotic, really.  I can literally feel myself going insane.

A few weeks ago, they changed our intranet home page at work.  It used to have cute little facts of the day that helped me learn things like mosquitoes are more attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas and news about how so-and-so got fan mail from a customer.  Now, the heading read things such as “Transition Tips” where they discuss how to create a resume and use the company’s internal job search site.  I kid you not.  The doom is looming… still.

In other news, being a mom this week is hard.  I knew little girls were big on the drama, but at 16 months?  Oh boy.  If this past week is any indication, I’d better tie a knot in my rope and hang on!  We’ve got tantrums out the yang and the overreaction to everything is exhausting.  Especially with a husband that thinks he should be able to tell her to stop and she should stop.  A girl has a finite amount of patience and this girl’s patience is all used up on the 16-mon-old’s tantrums, there is none left for the 33-year-old tantrums.  None. The worst part is, if I feed into her tantrums, they go away instantly. But we all know where that will lead us… So, I am feeling challenged right now.  I know it’s just a phase…

We decided on Friday that we are going to go ahead and get the ball rolling for adoption #2.  I am kind of nervous about it.  Nothing big, just the regular stuff like will we get this “lucky” again,  am I ready to split my time between two kids,  what if we get a really fast placement… all that regular stuff!  For now, we are just excited about it and not telling anyone we know about it.  I don’t know why we aren’t telling, we just aren’t.  So, during the long hours with nothing to do, I have started writing our profile letter. Yuck.  Last time I liked doing it.  This time I am having a really hard time.  Because I know more this time around.  I am much more in-tune with what the person reading the letter will be feeling (although I still cannot fathom) and everything seems fake and very self promoting.  I guess it is supposed to, but it is hard.

I do believe our adoption was the best thing for all involved… but that is because I think everyone believes that.  I want to say stuff like “Open adoption is hard, but worth it.” and “its ok if you don’t pick us, it has to feel right, we understand.”  I want them to know that this is going to be HARD and they need to be as sure as they can be that this is what they want and that it is ok to take the baby home for a few days to make sure.  But that’s not my job.  And I would never actually say that because I am chicken.

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10 responses

12 08 2010
Dave Gerhart

Yay! Getting started on #2 is exciting! It’ll be awesome! As far as the job thing, I hear ya. Since our transition, I’ve found a few things I can do from home like graphic design and admin type stuff; all I need is a computer. For us, it’s been OK…def a switch, though.

12 08 2010
Holly

I cannot BELIEVE that you still don’t know about the job…that’s crazy! Hopefully soon!!!

Congrats on going for the 2nd adoption! I have wondered if it will feel different…after reading what you wrote, I know it will. It IS totally worth it, but it’s exhausting just to think about it. Selling yourself. Trying to make them feel like you know that whatever happens, it’s ok.

Yuck.

Good luck with all the steps to follow!

12 08 2010
jamie

ugh about the job 😦 i was there two years ago….just sitting…waiting. it stinks!

I swear it must be the moon or the stars or something because this week has been HORRIBLE for us too!!!! 😦 Nonstop tantrums, abundant energy, flailing about over everything! So sorry for you but so glad to hear we aren’t along! 😉 I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck at the end of each day. 😦

Congratulations on beginning adoption #2! 🙂 that’s exciting yet i know completely what you mean when you say how difficult it is to write the dear bmom letter…..we were approved in april and i still haven’t been able to write ours…..it’s just different than last time…..things have change, views have changed, hearts have changed….it’s just different but not any less special. 🙂

hope you get some answers soon on the job front! the not knowing is so hard!! 😦

12 08 2010
Debbie

I can’t imagine the stress of the job right now. Hoping it ends soon.
Isabel hit that stage at 13 months. And is just now is starting to hit another stage that I’m not enjoying at all.

Congratz on getting ready to start for #2. I know what you mean about not telling anyone. We’ll probably wait until we’re done with all the paperwork and stuff before we tell everyone that we’re starting. I know what you mean about the letter. I’ve often wondered how I’d write it a second time. Those are the kind of things Dave wanted to say and like you said, I had to remind him that it wasn’t our job to prepare her. I think your experience will give you a softer edge on your letter then many first time adopters.

13 08 2010
richele

the situation at your work is seriously a mess – letting you guys wait and wonder and all that jazz. not fun.

little boys are action packed full of drama, too – it’s a bit more rough and tumbly, though. most days, i feel like i’m living in some sort of alternate universe, wondering what on earth is going on around me! and yes, it is so much easier to give in and make the madness STOP. but, not the best way to learn (for them or me!). i keep reading and reading and reading and hope i’ll learn something that will help. no luck. it’s just what they’ve got going on these days (months).

congrats on jumping back in – i’m sure you’ll find the water is juuuuust fine!

14 08 2010
Cristy

Sorry about the job situation still being up in the air. I know how it can really cause some stress. Adoption # 2 Wow! I would think that maybe it would be easier because you kind of already know what to expect. Maybe look at your first letter and see if you can change it around to fit adoption 2 but I guess just be yourself.

14 08 2010
Melba

The job thing is just plain ridiculous. Seriously…what are they doing??

As for adoption #2, AWESOME news! I am super excited for you but can also understand your qualms. I wish we were there right now, but this is not quite our time yet. The letter was hard for me the first time too…I felt like it was all fake and cheesy. I wonder if it will be easier or harder the next time?

We’ve been dealing with more tantrums lately too. Luckily, with C., they are short-lived but it is still tiresome when there are several right in a row. Hang in there. It IS just a phase and you are a great mama…your patience and your angelic little girl will return soon! 🙂

Melba

14 08 2010
Faith

Wow, lots going on in your world. I wish you some luck, and peace, during this big time for you!

17 08 2010
Holly

Eeeeeep! Jump in with me! (And please hold my hand.) I found the letter writing to be easier this time. I felt SO fake and full of BS the first time around and this time I feel like I just laid it all right out there. I don’t feel so DESPERATE for a BM to like me. I want one of them to like me, but I want it to be the right one, liking me for the right reasons. Also, I REALLY enjoyed talking about C and being a parents, etc, etc. It just feels different this time around.

What are your thoughts on the age difference between #1 and #2? I can’t decide what is more stressful: getting placed right away or not for a long time…

As for work, OMG! What a freaking mess. Ugh. How are you handling it?

17 08 2010
Rebekah

I feel for you on the job thing, my sister is in the same situation. Yah! for number two, on the adoption front. Man do I feel the itch, but we’ve really got to wait until I’m out of school.

I totally get the nerves. You’re not going in blind this time around and that would be difficult…but, oh, so much easier with your miracle girl in tow! 🙂 Can’t wait to hear more!

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