Germany, you dirty thief!

24 01 2011

Germany is stealing my sister. And my nieces. And my husband’s friend. So, I hate Germany. Don’t tell it, because I am going to visit it in 2012 (if my checking account approves), but I hate it.

I am having a really hard time with it. For many reasons, really. My sister is my closest confidant. She is my best friend and my sister. Not like both of those things in one, but both of those things in two. Like, if you had a best friend and then you had a really awesome sister, my sister would be both of those things at the same time. That’s how awesome she is. I am going to miss her terribly. The time difference is going to keep us from talking every day and the physical distance is going to keep us from seeing each other more than two times in the next three years. My wonderful nieces will be so grown up by the time they are back in the states. It breaks my heart that I won’t know them and they won’t know me. It breaks my heart even more than R won’t be close with my sister’s girls the way she is close with my SILs’ kids.

Her getting ready to live across the country in a time zone that will be catching its ZZZZs while I am hard at work has caused me to evaluate who I will have left to turn to. My dramatic answer is no one, although it isn’t entirely true. Actually, it isn’t true at all, but I am feeling dramatic. I have always been the type of person that has used the work “friend” very carefully. I have a ton of acquaintances, and very few, very close friends. Since R has come home, that has changed drastically. Honestly, that is probably the biggest downfall of becoming a mom for me; the loss of my friends. It is so silly to me, but it is so true. It has very little to do with being a mother, really, and more to do with people moving in different directions. I have had the same two “best friends” since grade school. With college and other life stuff, we haven’t always been super close, but we always come back to the same comfortable status quo.

Friend #1 and I have been so close for so long. She was my #1 confidant for years and years. She donated her eggs to us while we were going through IF and I would have laid my life on the line for her and vice versa. I am (was?) the god mother to her children and we spent time together at least weekly. Then we brought R home and everything changed. Or rather, we changed and they stayed the same. I struggle with this a lot because I know that I am the reason that this relationship isn’t the same anymore. Before R, we did tons and tons of fun stuff. We went to concerts, went snowboarding, went to mexico… you name it. We were childless, we had money, we had time and we used it. The funny thing is (that I never noticed) that they weren’t childless. They are babysitter people. I didn’t know until R came home how much I would love spending time with my kid. I want to be around her every chance I get (working mom talking here). I am not willing to spend the time away from my kiddo in order to do the things that they do (not to mention that we can’t afford it any longer). Now, we hardly even talk anymore. I struggle with feeling angry at them for leaving their children so often (judgment judgment judgment) to combat the guilt that I feel for letting our friendship slide by the wayside. It makes me sad, but I honestly don’t feel like there is anything I can do about it except keep inviting them to do our low-key family events and being declined because they are going out of town.

This year, friend #2 got married. Happy happy joy joy. I greatly dislike her new husband. I always have. It bothers me that I dislike him, but I can’t help it. Now, if it were just a personal thing I would just get over it. The problem is, I have a really hard time being around them because of how he treats her, and subsequently, how she treats every one else.  She has changed a lot, some  good ways some not so good. We still talk, but we have grown apart and things just aren’t the same. Occasionally we get together for lunch or other girls only events because our husbands refuse to hang out. I struggle when we are together because of the judgment that spews from her every word. At least when her husband isn’t present it isn’t directed towards me.

So, it makes me a little sad. I still have these friends, but not on the same level. My sister moving makes me realize how much I really do miss the friendships that once were. So, just in case you were wondering, the position of my BFF is open. Apply within. Haha. Just kidding.

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One response

24 01 2011
Melba

OMG, I will be there in (what about 12 hours??) to turn in my application! 🙂 Just kidding too but this post is one of those that has made me realize (yet again) how very similar our life paths have been.

It’s not that I’m anti-social, I’m not at all…it’s just that I’m low-key and I don’t get/never have gotten much from the bar/dancing/crazy parties scene. I too am VERY close to my sisters (in my case plural) and I would be absolutely crestfallen if one of them had to move away. My heart hurts for you with this because I know how much that would pain me if I were in your shoes. And yes, to have the children now in the mix…it makes the separation that much harder.

As for the friendships, I’ve learned a lot about that over the years. I too have two friends who I would (used to?) consider my “best friends” and I too have experienced lots of ebbing and flowing over the years where these relationships are concerned. Life and circumstances change people and there comes a time where you just have to be who you are, regardless of how that impacts the relationships you have. And I say that with the full realization that friendships demand flexibility and sometimes getting outside your own comfort zone to meet the other person’s needs. I know it’s hard but I think you should try, as much as you can, to release yourself from the guilt surrounding your friends. It sounds like the situations (for all parties) just are what they are and the guilt is only going to drive an even greater wedge between you. I also have to say…I know what it feels like to not like a close friend’s life choices. That is hard and it is very challenging to try to put the judgment aside and let the friendship have the room it needs. Give yourself a break, these situations you describe would be challenging for anyone!

Yet again, I’m finding myself wishing I could just pick up our two states and move them right next to each other on the map. Or just pick up one of our lives (jobs, families, houses, the whole package) and plunk it down next to the other one…wouldn’t that be great?! I’ve come to realize that true friendships are a rare treasure. There are not many people in the world around whom I can feel completely at ease to be myself. I’m married to one of them, two are my sisters, two are my parents…and well you get the idea. We all need lots of different degrees of friendships in our lives, work buddies/acquaintances are important but so too are those close-to-the-heart people that you can trust no matter what.

I think in my case (maybe yours too?) I’ve been very fortunate because my sisters have always been my “built in” friends. Not that I didn’t/don’t have other friends, but there were never any that came close to how I felt about my sisters. People who don’t have siblings, or who aren’t close with the ones they do have tend (at least in my experiences) to be more able/likely to branch out and develop those friends who are like family. Who knows! I could probably sit around all day and analyze why things are the way they are and it wouldn’t change the fact that Germany really sucks for you right now!!

For what it’s worth, I am very sorry your sister has to go. I know it’s little comfort because there simply is NO replacement for her but I AM always only an email or phone call away if you need an ear. Hmmm, that starbucks/skype date is sounding like a pretty good idea! 🙂

Big hugs to you, Friend!

Melba

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