brain dump

15 03 2011

One of my very favorite bloggy friends asked me a question.  “Now that you’re active, how are you feeling?”  My response got very lengthy, so I decided to make a post about it.

In short, I am feeling a whole of feelings!  I feel happy, excited, scared, sad, angry, nervous, and guilty.  Most of what I am feeling is so different from our last wait and so much of it really is so silly.

First, I am so excited.  We have very obviously been very blessed by adoption.  I love being a mom more than I ever could have imagined, and getting to do it again makes me feel so blessed and excited.  I can’t wait to know who our next child will be, when they will be here, and to get to know them.  I can’t wait to get to do all that tiny baby stuff again. I am so excited to feel all of those feelings again, to watch my family get to know their newest family member, to watch R become a big sister, to hold and smell a newborn.  I am excited to smell that smell of formula spit-up and diaper rash cream and to hear that sweet cry of a newborn baby.

I am also really apprehensive and nervous about SO much.  Last time I wasn’t apprehensive, I was just mostly in a hurry.  This time I am really nervous about the “when.”  I am scared out of my mind that this is going to happen too soon.  Don’t get me wrong, we are prepared to take in a child at any time, but we are really hoping for a few more months to grow our savings and chip away at our “before baby #2 list of chores.”  I am nervous about who this next baby will be.  I think all sorts of silly things like; will there be enough love to go around?  Could I possibly love this child as much as I love R? Will there be enough time to go around?  What if R suffers because I have two children to pay attention to? What if something bad happens financially (again) and we can’t afford to feed our children? We have a great thing going at home right now.  What if this we get a new child and it screws it up and we regret it? What if R really doesn’t want to have a little brother or sister and she hates us forever for making her a big sister?

We have never actually been “matched,” since R was a baby born situation.  I am nervous about what that will be like and who our next child’s birth parents will be.  I think about what that relationship will look like both before and after birth.  I worry that this next birth family will not want to have a relationship with us or they have a completely different relationship with us/our child.  What if it becomes an issue with our children later on down the road that their relationships with their respective birth families are so different?

I’m angry because I am, once again, revisiting the idea of taking maternity leave.  I am angry because that is another added expense and if we didn’t have to save the money for that, I would be able to go part time permanently.  My husband’s company offers 12 weeks of fully paid adoption bonding time, HOWEVER, he has to be the “primary care giver” which means I have to go back to work right away in order for him to receive those benefits (not gonna happen).  We are currently looking to see exactly what that means and if we can find a loophole. J  I just wish that part was a little easier.  It seems that I have a good grip on the other financial aspects of this adoption, and for that I am SO thankful!

I feel guilty because I know so many people out there that are still waiting on their first child or struggling with the fact that they may not be able to have a second child at all.  I remember feeling bitter and jealous towards people who adopted their second or third child when I was waiting and I feel guilty for wanting to grow my family.

I know most of these feelings are silly and normal.  I have faith that most of these feelings will subside when I meet my child, the birth family, etc.  I know the money stuff is very minor and will work itself out. 

BUT, as far as the wait goes, I am feeling really peaceful.  I am not worried about it taking too long (at least for right now) and I am not worried about being chosen or about a failed adoption.  I truly believe that the right expectant family will choose us when the time is right and we will take that child home if he/she is meant to come home with us.  I don’t feel particularly stressed and aside from those moments when my toddler is throwing a gigantic tantrum and I have to think “how I am going to do this with TWO children?,” I’m not thinking about it every second. THESE THINGS are also much different from last time, because they were my primary concerns and thoughts.

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3 responses

15 03 2011
Melba

Good to read all your thoughts, I can pretty much relate to most of them, even though we’re not quite there yet. Especially the guilt! My own sister is trying (and struggling) to have her first…and I can’t even bring myself to tell her we are going back for #2 yet. Not sure how I’m going to go about that when the time comes but I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

Ahhh, I can’t wait to see how it all unfolds! To see who/when our next babies will be!

Melba

22 03 2011
Jessica Anderson

I know you know…but everything works out! Of course I had a whole other kind of guilt associated with #2 (unexpected pregnancy 5 months after adoption and YEARS of infertility…HELLO!), and I spent my entire pregnancy feeling guilty and worrying about the time it would take away from Colt and how I felt like I was robbing him. And when Owen was born, a whole new guilt consumed me and it was how I’d spent that time NOT celebrating my pregnancy and enjoying the time preparing for him.

Now, a year later, I feel like I have my guilt and emotions in check. But if I can tell you one thing – it would be to enjoy this time of preparation and understand that especially the sibling thing will work out without you having to do anything. It will be the greatest gift you can give to R. I think about life without my sister and it’s a horrible thought. I watch Colt and Owen adore each other, watch Colt be a sweet and concerned big brother, protective and loving. He was born to be a big brother. I watch them fight, watch Owen terrorize poor Colt now that he’s mobile…and just laugh. They have the best time.

My favorite time is in the mornings. I bring Colt into Owen’s room to wake him up. I flip on the light and Owen stares right at Colt and lights up, standing and reaching for him. Colt runs to his crib and cries “Bubby!” and grabs his hand. He says “morning, Bubby” and helps me pick out his clothes for the day.

R won’t suffer. It may be an adjustment, but she won’t suffer. So get excited for #2 and enjoy preparing! And you won’t be able to understand the love for both your children until they’re both in your arms. It is humbling, overwhelming, and your heart will be so full. I love each of my kids with my whole heart…it’s almost like I have two hearts now.

I just can’t say enough how ALL of your emotions and worries will work out. I’m so excited for you!

22 03 2011
BB

Jessica, this totally made me tear up! This is exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I *know* on some level that all my fears are unfounded, but it is still so scary sometimes!

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