Protected: R’s birth family

8 01 2010

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30 07 2009

So, during my unexpected respite from blogging, I decided I was going to kinda wrap up my blog and “retire”. I am spread pretty thin as it is, and I was starting to feel “bad” when would I play around in blogland.

There are many women out there that are doing this “adoption thing” a whole lot different that I am. If I am honest, I have very little desire to have the level of open adoption that so many people seem to have. I am not the adoptive mother that wishes we could visit with R’s birth family monthly or whatever. But these women, these families that have these fully open adoptions seem to have it all together. It seems to work beautifully and in some ways I am immensely jealous of the way it works… and I started to feel bad about myself and my situation. These women seem to have the answer to every open adoption question in every situation. They seem to be more wise than I am, better mothers and just plain have it all together more than I. They are just downright pros. I would walk a thin line between wanting to be just like then, but feeling that it wasn’t right for me.

The thing is, it isn’t for me. It isn’t for us. Regular visits and phone calls and family celebrations just wouldn’t work for any of us, which is why I don’t want it. It took me awhile to realize that I am envious of their situations because they work and they seem glorious. They have these relationships with these birthmothers that is extraordinary. But I KNOW that wouldn’t work for us. This isn’t our situation, and I can’t make it be. Hubbs is still a little stand-offish on the visits. R’s birth parents don’t even want the level of contact that we have and even though I love writing to them and I would love to see them again, a fully open adoption just isn’t the answer for any of us. What works for us (ALL of US) is what we are doing now. I am confident in how THIS is going for us. I am my own PRO at our own situation (well, I will be after a few more months). And I think I am doing a pretty good job at this motherhood thing, too.

I am getting more and more confident in being a mom, being an adoptive mom, and being a mom to this specific, wonderful baby girl. I tend to forget that we all start out as babies. We all have a learning curve with life, motherhood and openness in adoption. I do feel like I am finding my way beautifully and I can’t compare myself to mothers that have different situations and that have been doing this with multiple children for years on end. We just aren’t the same… and actually our situation isn’t the same as anyone elses. I don’t need to feel like I need to raise my daughter a certain way, explain adoption to her a certain way (or at a certain age or certain frequency). I am going to do it the I feel is right (Hubbs included) and best.

And then I was shocked and appalled at myself for even considering giving up this blog. This blog (and blogland itself) has been a huge area of support, education and growth for me. I have laughed and cried like you wouldn’t believe. I have mourned and rejoiced with people I would honestly call my friends, that without blogland I wouldn’t even know existed. I have witnessed families being formed, hearts being broken, and wishes coming true.

Plus, I have so much more to say!! Who knows how much content it will carry, but lots and lots of words!!

So, I am just going to blog about whatever I want from here on out. Either my adventures with R, juggling life, open adoption, or just some things that I think!!


9 07 2009

The other day I had an unexpected conversation about adoption. It caught me off guard and afterward I cried. I didn’t like where the conversation came from and I didn’t really like the way I handled it.

At my SIL’s house after work last week, my two nieces had their friend over. When I arrived, little H (their friend) was telling my BIL about how her “parents don’t have a very good relationship. They don’t communicate well, so when dad made mom mad, mom gave away his lawn mower.” This girl is very exposed to real world stuff and has no problem asking questions in a very adult manner.

“Are you going to tell R that she is adopted?” is how it all started.

What I thought, “No, I am going to tell the little neighbor girl, but not R.”

What I said, “Of course. We already do tell her.”

What I wish I had said, “Of course! We are very proud of having adopted her. The day we adopted her was one of the best days of our lives. We have already started telling R how she came into our family, how she is our wish come true, and how truly special she is to us. We tell her about how much her birth parents love her and wanted the very best for her.”

I wish I was quicker at thinking when it comes to adoption questions.

My response brought on a slew of questions that insinuated that adoption was kind of a dirty word. It hurt my heart and I stumbled over my words trying to teach them otherwise. I don’t feel like I did a very good job.

So, the neighbor girl aside, I feel like I need to re-tackle this issue with my nieces. In my heart I know that they look at R the same way they do the twins. I don’t think they think of her as anything less than their cousin. But when it comes to talking about adoption, I think they have some negative stereotypes in their heads. Part of me is also concerned about where they are learning these stereotypes. It does come to mind that their mother has shown little or no interest in the adoption process…

I need some recommendations here, my blogland friends. How do I tackle this with them? Or do I at all?

Open Adoption Roundtable #3: Wishlist

9 07 2009

(please forget that I missed #2)

Round three of the open adoption roundtable writing prompt goes like this…

Share your wish list for your open adoption(s):

1. Reciprocation; other than a fantastic card, I haven’t heard anything from R’s birth parents. I have asked them tons of questions and haven’t gotten a response. I am not in any way angry at them, I get it as best as I can, but I want it for me and for R.

2. Pride; I wish for R to be proud of who she is and of her history. I wish that she would always be confident and secure with herself and always feel loved and never sad about her adoption story.

3. A visit; I wish I could say I want to meet with them every month. I am still afraid of that, but if I could have one visit with them maybe I would want more. Maybe they would, too.

4. A unified front; I wish my husband was half as open as I am. I guess it wouldn’t matter because R’s birth parents aren’t.

5. Peace; more than anything I wish R’s birthparents peace.

6. Understanding; I wish our family and close friends could get it. I really really wish that.

7. Photos; all I have are the ones from the hospital. Stress and labor are not the most attractive features and I would like some other photos for R.

8. Wisdom; I want to know the right things to say to R at the right times. Always.

9. Manual; I wish there was an instruction manual for this open adoption thing. What to what to say, what to write, how to act…

Relieving stress

20 06 2009

Tonight I am relieving stress. I am not doing anything but hanging out with my girl and doing a little art therapy while she sleeps.

Yesterday was rough. I really almost lost it. There was just too much going on in one day. Hubbs and I are both just dealing with this whole situation very differently, yet very much the same: with a short fuse. I would say that the root of all the stress is financial, but really it isn’t about the actual money or paying the bills at all. It is all about the stress of our new lifestyle; stay at home daddy and working mommy. For some reason, when I am at work, I am super stressed out (about home stuff). But once I am home, I look back at my day and wonder what the heck I was so stressed about. It is tough not being able to stay at home like I wanted, but even more so when someone else is doing your job differently than you would. Ok, yeah, I know I have control issues. Whatever.

But, today I am feeling much better. The stress of having the in-laws over for dinner (never again- they just add to my stress big time!!), post placement visits and messy houses (thanks Hubby!) is behind me and I cancelled my plans for tonight so I can just unwind a little. I am feeling way better!! Out second post placement visit went very well. SW didn’t scoff at Hubbs losing his job, in fact she was very empathetic with our situation and seemed pleased with how we were handling it. Whew. I shouldn’t have been worried, but I guess that is just what I do!! We completed all the paperwork to petition the court and in about 6 weeks we should have a court date. I am ready for that for sure!!

My in-laws are freaking nuts! Seriously. I told Hubbs yesterday afternoon that he needed to call them and reschedule because I was too stressed. He refused so I told him that I wasn’t going to be held responsible for any attitude that I showed them. Ok, when I say them, I really mean HIM. My FIL is a true piece of work! Let me tell you!! They aren’t at my home for two minutes before he is bitching about how he doesn’t get to see R enough (after Father’s Day it will be three times in two weeks. That is MORE than ENOUGH!!). He is king of the guilt trip, and everyone just lets him work them over and it pisses me off. So, my response is, “you know, we are adjusting to a completely new schedule. Our stress levels cannot handle a guilt trip on top of everything.” A few moments later while holding R, he speaks through her, “who is this strange person holding me? Is this the neighbor or a friend? It couldn’t be grandpa, I should know my grandpa.” Later, he makes a comment (again through R) that grandma wants to hold her for “at least an hour.” My response (through R), “I just miss my mommy too much for that!” I did share my time adequately with grandma. After all, it isn’t her fault that her husband is trying to get me to spend some time in prison for homicide. Throughout the evening, he makes other comments that just get under my skin. From, “The profile of her face is really starting to come around.” (WHAAAATTT???? Come around? Seriously?!? If I didn’t know I have the cutest little girl in the world, I might have been offended by that!) to “you’re really going to have to break that habit,” in regards to her listening to white noise at night (and why? I still listen to a rain machine…) When they left, MIL says thanks for having us and Hubbs says, “anytime.” My bitter mood pipes in with, “well, not anytime, but we will do again.” Hubbs was a little mad at that one. Anyway, enough of my vent. In short, my in-laws overwhelm and annoy me.

But, R is doing well. She has some serious eczema that we took her to the doctor for. It is doing much better. She has decided that her carseat is the worst place in the entire world. She screams, and I mean SCREAMS in the car. And this girl is not a crier. It makes me want to pull my own hair out! I did a little research and we ordered a lights and sounds car mirror and we play the rain white noise in the car. Both things seem to be helping.

Tonight is going to be her first night sleeping in her own room. We have done a pretty good job weaning her out of her swing, and onto sleeping in her own room. I am not too worried because she sleeps so well as long as she is swaddled (which will be our next sleeping task!). So, wish me luck. Actualy, she is already asleep in there, I just need to get to bed sometime soon. I have to work in the morning (on a Saturday! Bleh!) and I have to leave for work by 6:30am. At least I will be home by 11am!!

Adoption Progress

8 06 2009

So, do you remember this post and this post? I haven’t mentioned the whole issue for awhile. Partially because when I felt that it was an issue, I couldn’t even think about it and when I didn’t feel it was an issue, there was nothing to talk about.

Well, Friday marked the end of our “due dilligence”!! It is somewhat of a relief, but for the past month or so I haven’t even thought about it. I already knew in my heart that R was here to stay.

But, this does make us able to petition the court! So yay for progress!


29 05 2009

So, I am feeling very insecure about going back to work and leaving r. I am scared she won’t know me and I am scared she will feel abandoned. Working moms, can you make me feel better and tell me it isn’t so bad…..? I know MOST families are both working parents, how do you make it work?

Also, my SW emailed me about our next visit. Is there any way this could affect the finalization of the adoption? I mean, we can pay our bills (barely) right now, especially if I go back to work, so other than that they shouldn’t care, right?