I’m Bummed

28 02 2009

I’ve been riding the upswing of the adoption rollercoaster the past few weeks. It is coming crashing down quickly, though.

I am heading out of work early to go spend some time with my mom and two sisters. Sounds like fun if one of those sisters wasn’t a drama queen pregnant with twins. It pisses me off that I am not excited to go.

I’ve been researching other agencies. Mine is crapping me out. Anyone have a great agency that does business in AZ? Anyone have any great facilitators or other adoption professionals they would recommend?


Tabeling the issue

2 02 2009

Thank you all for your comments and suggestions! My bloggy friends are all so smart!

I am very frustrated. So I am going to do what I know I should be doing and just put this whole situation up on a shelf until there is more to work with.

The more I look into agencies, the more frustrated I become. I don’t want to spend the extra money to get on with a different agency. I don’t want to have to go to education classes in Utah. The ONLY benefits we will get out of going through an agency are the counseling and the support. The counseling I can get elsewhere and the support… well how much money is that really worth? Is it worth an extra $15k and 10 different trips to Utah. At this point, I would rather just do it privately. But it isn’t what I REALLY want! It is just easier.

The problem is, all this seems like way too much for me, but there is no baby to speak of. I need to revisit all of this if/when they actually say that they want us to parent. Right now, with my doubts and the difficulties of it all, it just doesn’t seem worth it. Later on, it might (and I have hunch that it will). I can’t allow myself to get frustrated when everything is still so up in the air. I keep getting ahead of myself!

So, I am going to go about things and try not to think too much on it and not talk about it at all unless I hear something else. Tomorrow is a post about something tangible!


1 02 2009

Thank you all for your responses to my question. Right now I am not really doing anything, just looking to make a plan for my next steps if need be.

I love my agency and I really want to conduct this and any other adoptions through them. It has always been important for me to take the agency route because we really want to make sure that the birth family has counseling (which we would encourage and pay for if we go private) and because we really don’t want to be taken for a ride. The flat fee that we are being charged is also really nice. Our agency is Ca.tho.lic Ch.ar.i.ti.es and while they operate in most states (including Utah), they all operate independently. They would just contract us out to the other state’s agency. It is my understanding that the Utah organization does not have an adoption program. The only other agencies I can find in the state are either strictly LDS, or don’t provide legal services anyway, so they leave me right back where I am. So, at this point I don’t know where else to go other than to an attorney.

If anyone out there has any agency/attorney recommendations in Utah or any other Utah related advice, please let me know.

I know our homestudy is good for whatever we chose because our agency does them for many different agencies and independent adoptions in my state. I talked to my SW awhile back when we were looking at doing some more outreach and they strongly discourage us from doing stuff outside the agency, which I agree and want to avoid, but I won’t pass up on something because it is a little more difficult. It will benefit us in the sense that we can “stay on” with our agency while waiting to see if this situation pans out… because there is a LOOOONG time to wait.

So, I have been thinking a lot about our “possibility.” I have decided that of the many scenarios that can play out, only one will be truly disappointing to me. That would be if this girl has an abortion. Then I would be sad. Otherwise, I am glad this happened.

If she decides to make and follow through with an adoption plan and chooses us- then I am stoked (obviously).

If she makes an adoption plan, chooses us and then decides to parent I will be obviously sad, but thrilled that she didn’t choose abortion. I will probably be left with a feeling that we saved that baby’s life- thus bringing purpose to our infertility in itself. The other thing is that because she isn’t through our agency, we will not miss out on any other possible situations. I also think that this option would fill me with hope and help me get through the next few months with a more optimistic outlook. Although the disappointment would be there in the end, it would be worth it (I think).

The only other thing is that she could make an adoption plan and find another couple. I can’t control this, so I am not going to worry about it. I don’t really think it would happen, but obviously it could. Either way, I would feel like we had a hand in saving this baby’s life.

Oh, there is also the option that I could just never hear anything about this again. I guess that would be ok, too.

My concern about this situation is that I have an ethical issue about “soliciting.” I have always said that I don’t want someone to choose between me parenting the child or them parenting the child. I want them to choose adoption, and then choose us. I have never even considered the decision between me parenting and abortion. I would guess I would be ok with being chosen with those two options….

For the record, I don’t really feel like this situation is really going to amount to anything. I am not trying to be negative, it is just a gut feeling. Hubbs has the exact opposite feeling, but he is the eternal optimist. Either way, I am filled with hope and excitement for whatever the future holds and I am glad we have had a little action. Most of all, I hope we play a role in keeping this baby around. Please say prayers for this woman (I don’t even know her name) and her boyfriend.


Touching base

15 01 2009

When we visited our friends in the hospital last Friday I sat there holding their four-hour-old baby. I was staring at his perfect face trying to imagine what it would be like, what if would feel like if this were my child and I was told I could take him home. I felt nothing. I couldn’t even imagine it. It was just that- a game of pretend and I couldn’t even pretend very well.

I was telling Hubbs about it on the way home and he sighed and said, “It really doesn’t feel like it is ever going to happen, does it?” It isn’t a desperate sad thing. We are doing a really good job of being outwardly excited and preparing for the unscheduled seemingly fictitious event. It is just that neither of can imagine it actually happening. It seems like a pipe-dream at this point. (The thing is that I think it is really going to knock us on our asses when it does happen.)

Then I read Rebekah’s post about her meeting with her agency and it made me really SAD! I had heard some not so great news about our agency’s statistics for 2008 (rumors) and I started to get really panicky. So I called our SW. The SW we don’t really bond with and the SW that we feel doesn’t really like us and SW that we don’t particularly like ourselves. And we had the best discussion ever! I feel a hundred times better now.

She said they had had a busy year so far (in 2009) and that since the start of their fiscal year in July, they had placed 17 babies (right on track for the average of 30 they do- and since there are only 35 families on the waiting list, those are good numbers!) She told me that we have been presented (which oddly made me feel better). She also told me that we hadn’t been presented very often because a lot of the situations were awesome situations in which everyone on the waiting list would be a good match. They only give the pregnancy clients a max of 10 profiles, so if more than 10 people match, they take the top 10 in order of seniority on the list. So, right now we may not be being presented, but as those people move off the list we gain seniority.

I realized something when I was talking to her. I don’t need a baby today or tomorrow or even next month. I am being patient, I just want to feel like it is going to happen sometime(hopefully sometime this year). I also told her that with so many pregnancy announcements in my life recently, it has made my itch a little stronger. Then we got to talking about all the pregnancies. I asked her for a little advice on helping my sister get a grip on her financial reality. I told her that my bro’s wife had just announced her pregnancy and she thought I was talking about Hubbs’ sister. I corrected her and told her that she is due to have twins in a few weeks. She says, “Oh my goodness! You poor thing! You can’t even get away from the pregnancies!” The best part is, I wasn’t complaining or anything telling her these things- they just kind of came out naturally and she recognized that it would be a rough thing for me. That felt really good.

It was a great conversation and I feel so much better after talking to her. I hope that it pushed me and Hubbs to the front of her mind so she can push our profile to the front of the stack! Hehe!

So anyway, today I am not a mom, but I am comforted with the thought that I really will be one day!

Another itch

12 01 2009

I had a really great conversation with my brother this weekend. We don’t have a very good relationship (because his wife is crazy- and he knows it!), so when he called to find out how I was doing with everything going on with my little sister, it really meant a lot to me. He was very understanding and unlike pretty much anyone else IRL, he managed to say all the right things. He called me when I was at my Dad’s house watching the Cardinals game (Go Cards!). I got off the phone with him and relayed to my family how nice he had been and what a great conversation we had had.

On the way home, Hubbs tells me that my brother’s wife is pregnant. WTF??? First of all, unless my mother or my baby sister who is 12 winds up pregnant (literally NOT a possibility), I think every female in my life is pregnant. But most importantly, I felt totally misled. I felt like the only reason my brother called me was to tell me that, but then chickened out after the conversation we had. Then, after I got off the phone and was talking about it, everyone else in the room knew and didn’t bother to tell me. They had told Hubbs while I was on the phone, so it wasn’t like they didn’t want me to know. I wasn’t mad, just a little irked because I feel like they put it all on Hubbs’ shoulders to tell me. The freaking cowards.

The thing is, I don’t even really care. I didn’t even cry when I found out, although I pouted a little. Yeah, it is totally unfair, once again. But mostly it is unfair to their child. These two have filed for divorce more times than I have been shattered by pregnancy announcements. My bro talks to my dad regularly how he thinks it is only a matter of time before their marriage is over (and if you knew anything about his wife, you would think he is a saint for staying with her this long). It is just silly and irresponsible for them to have another child at this point. The only positive is that babies tend to bring out the best in my SIL. When they are babies, her children are too young for her to treat like dirt.

So, basically, the news of my sister’s pregnancy was the straw that broke the camel’s back and this pregnancy is almost just comical. Whatever, God. I don’t care how many more women get pregnant around me. I’m over being jealous. I’m over it making me cry. I am happy right now. I love my husband, I love my family, I love my life. I can wait however long you decide I need to wait. Just don’t fault me for being a little bitter about the whole thing, because I can’t seem to make that go away.

As with any pregnancy announcement, I soon got the placement itch. I mean, I always have the placement itch, but with news of someone else being blessed with a child, it increases tenfold. So, I questioned everything again this weekend. Is our profile ok, should we make changes? Should we change agencies? Should we add an additional agency? Should we locate a facilitator? Should we just go to the hospital one night and steal a cute little baby? Wait, what? Did I say that out loud? I guess it isn’t really funny to say, because I would never do that, even if I KNEW I wouldn’t get caught I couldn’t live with myself. I would be a liar if I said it never crossed my mind, though.

Hubbs talked me off the “I don’t care if we get into a severe financial situation, lets get a baby” cliff. I like our agency, I want an ethical adoption, I want a local adoption, and I FEEL like this is the way it is supposed to go for us (I just don’t really like it too much right now). I feel like this agency is the way to go. I feel it in my gut. I just with they would hurry up already.

Do you know what sucks the most? I am FINE and dandy and patient as all could be until someone else gets pregnant. I hate that. I understand it, but I hate it!

***Does this post sound angry or sad? I can’t tell, but for the record, I am not either. I am just fine.

15 12 2008

Saturaday morning was the only day we had to shop for Christmas! We were out of three hours and got all but one gift purchased! Talk about efficient! We also haven’t decided what we are going to do for each other yet. I personally just want to buy something for the house (like a security door). Hubbs is wavering!

We visited with our friends that we met in our adoption classes on Saturaday. It was so much fun! They are both working on their second adoptions, so we got to visit with their little boys! One is three and the other is four! They are both so cute and have such different personalities. The four year old was so hilarious (his parents didn’t really thing so!)! I was helping him decorate the cookies we just baked and he looked at me and said, “Bri, you’re a nice lady.” Melt my heart! (I suppose I’ll cut him a break for calling me “lady.” After all, he is four. He also told Hubbs, “Brian, you’re so crazy!” We had a super fun time with them.

They did have a little bad news from the agency. It turns out, our agency only did 12 placements this year (down from a 30 average). They also said that there are currently 15-17 people on the “wait-to-wait” list and they have been told it will probably be a year before they can ever be actively presented! I couldn’t believe it! I feel pretty bad for them, but since they have VERY active little boys at home, they aren’t quite as impatient as we are. Fortunately, we are already active, but if they are so slow, who knows how long it could be for us! It is a little disconcerting.
As soon as Hubbs gets settled into his new job and we can get a good grasp on what our finances will be, we are going to consider doing some outreach, signing with an additional agency, or maybe even a consultant. I guess it gives me something else to research!

Yesterday, we drove the 2.5 hours to Flagstaff to see my little sister get baptized. It was a lot of fun and I cried! It was a quick trip up there because we had lots to do and it was cold and snowy there, but I was so glad we got to go!

This weekend was pretty busy, but next weekend is going to be CRAZY! We have WAY too much to do and WAY too many people to see!

Officially Official

23 09 2008

We are officially on the waiting list!! We got an invitation last week to join the Waiting Families pool and we just sent in our astronomical check (extremely astronomical check to follow after placement) as well as our beautifully printed and folded, professional looking profile that I proudly designed myself (I wish that blogger could handle the HUGE file size so I could show it off) to our SW, so now we are official! Although we have been certified for two months, now we will begin to be presented to potential birth parents. The words, “any day” keep running through my head. We are so excited, and suddenly very nervous!

Today I looked back at when we first started. August 23rd 2007 was our very first informational meeting with our agency. It has taken us a year. I hate to say it, but learning that kinda killed my high over being official (at first). I remember last year when we started this, I was thinking about the two year wait that our agency estimates and it didn’t seem too bad. I didn’t realize that it would take us a year to get to the point where we would wait an estimated two years. I get a little angry at how our agency has dragged its feet with us. It took two months for us to get our preliminary interview with our caseworker after the info meeting (even though we signed up for it at that meeting). Because we hadn’t been married quite three years, they held us off from the first education classes because they were “almost full.” We turned in our application at the last education class (we were the first one in the class to do so). We had our home study interview a few weeks later only to sit on our hands for two months while our SW did nothing. I know it sounds like I am complaining. I guess it is because I am, but I honestly have no regrets. We chose our agency due to reputation, recommendations and ethics. We like that they are small and ethical. With that comes a little extra time. These SW don’t get paid much, their funding is low, and they operate off a list of priorities. I understand all that, it is just frustrating when I know people who decided 5 months ago that they wanted to adopt and they already are placed. I think about two years from now and it makes me heart race. I don’t know if I can wait that long.

After I was done being angry about how long this road has been already and how much longer we [may] have to go, I started to think about how EASY the road has been and how FAST it has gone by. Now, by EASY I don’t mean that there haven’t been any ups and down because any reader of my blog knows that I have had lots of those. But through those ups and downs I have had a great deal of support and encouragement. We have also been so darn busy that we haven’t had time to sit around and WAIT. So, I am very thankful for that. I am happy and excited and no matter how long this takes (well, to a certain extent, of course), it is going to have the ending (actually beginning, but you know what I mean) that I have always dreamed about.