The best news!

2 05 2009

I love blogging. I love the connections that I make on here, the stuff I learn, the stuff I like to think I pass on. I make lots of connections, but every once in awhile I actually make a connection that goes beyond the “blogosphere” so to speak. Every once in awhile, there is a mutual connection that you can’t really explain and a friendship that develops out of words. (ok, I realize I sound like a total cheeseball, a little like a stalker and a lot like a coot but whatever).

Melba is one of those people for me and today she became a mommy! From what I know so far, her journey is remarkable similar to ours. I couldn’t be happier for her. This is the first new mommy since I became a new mommy, and it feels so GOOD to be able to be 100% happy for someone!

Go check them out and send them some congratulations!!

I have ached and celebrated with Melba as we both traveled this journey almost simultaneously. We both experienced the pain of pregnancy announcements and (less so) adoptions in blog land. When we were matched with R and I posted about our excitement and joy, I always thought of her and how it might make her heart ache. I am beyond thrilled that she is full of joy and happiness right along with me.

Congratulations Melba, Michael and Charlie! You make a beautiful, happy family!!

P.S. I got to talk to Melba on facebook early — if anyone else is on facebook (I am new!!) look me up…. if you know my last name!


6 03 2009

Definition: patience [pey-shuhns]
the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

I have been thinking about patience. In many ways, I am not a patient person, and in many ways I am. I don’t get terribly irritated when standing in line or being put on hold. But am I patient with this adoption? Yes and No. Mostly no by the definition above. But, if we go by the definition above, patience is literally impossible.

Is it possible to experience annoyance or pain without irritation? Irritation is innate in both annoyance and pain. I don’t think it is possible to be annoyed, yet not irritated or be in pain and not irritated. So patience is impossible. There you have it. Don’t say I’ve never taught you anything.

How about without complaint or loss of temper? Ok, so I can do something about those. But do I lose my temper and complain about it? Outwardly, no. You couldn’t find any people IRL that would say that I have lost my temper during this adoption wait. Is crying complaining? Ok, so I can work on that a little, but after this weekend I feel like it is going to get better.

But what about in blogland? I am definitely not patient in blogland. But in reality, my blog is just an extension of my own thoughts. It isn’t how I act, it is how I feel. So I act patient, for the most part, but I don’t feel patient. But again, how can one feel patient? When you want something down to the very core of you, when you want something so bad you don’t go a moment without thinking about it, how can it not be irritating that you are waiting for it? Is that even humanly possible?

I have been thinking about how I express myself in blogland and how that contrasts with how I act, and how I feel on a daily basis.

I started this blog as a way to journal my adoption experience, to learn from others, and hopefully to allow others to learn from my experience (what I didn’t expect is a great deal of support and wonderful friendships). The process of waiting in adoption is often compared to a rollercoaster ride. I couldn’t agree more, but in reality, while waiting for adoption there aren’t very many upward swings (until you get matched, that is). I am not saying there are only downs, but there are a lot of “plateaus,” some “valleys” and not too many “peaks.”

I think about adoption every day, every hour. It is always on the back of my mind, and often on the front. I live most of the time on a “plateau.” Things are going along just fine. I am waiting, rather patiently. I don’t need it to happen right this moment or this exact day. I trust God and I enjoy my life. Most of the time, I am patient.

Sometimes, I am not. Sometimes I experience those “valleys” and I wallow a little in my own self pity and I cry and I hurt. Often times those “valleys” are due to another’s pregnancy. Not because I am jealous or I want to be pregnant or I hate pregnant woman or I think others don’t deserve to pregnant or really anything to do with that person being pregnant or those particular babies. It is because someone else’s pregnancy reminds me that I am waiting and waiting is hard. Those aren’t my proudest moments, but they are there. I don’t like that I feel that way, but I do and I know in my heart it is normal and ok to feel that way. Those “valleys” are a part of my journey, but they don’t define me. They don’t even define the majority of my emotions and experience during this adoption ride.

But those feelings, those “valleys”, are the times when I blog (because lets face it, there is nothing to write about when I am patiently waiting). I blog about it because I know that there are people out there that have been where I am, and others that are currently where I am. I blog about it because it is a great way for me to get my feelings out on the table, sort them out and deal with them.

Infertility taught me that you have no idea how someone else feels unless you have been there. However, blogging has taught me that you have no idea how someone else feels unless you have been THEM, becuase everyone experiences things differently and handles things differently. Nobody has the right to tell you that is right or wrong. Nobody should be able to tell someone how to feel or how not to feel.

I know that those of you that really matter already know this, but I don’t walk around wallowing in my own self pity day after day. Most days, I feel blessed to be walking this path. I feel this is where I am supposed to be and I love to look back and see how I have grown throughout this journey. Yes, there are days that are hard. Excruciatingly, and sometimes debilitating hard. But the truth is, the best things in life are hard and often times painful. Despite the pain, hurt, hardships and waiting I am choosing and willing to go through it all. It makes it easier to be able to blog about it and have the support of so many awesome moms and moms-to-be!

4 03 2009

Do you know what would be awesome?

A real life hug from someone who truly understands what I am going through that isn’t trying to fix what is wrong.

But you know what? A hug from you guys is almost as good.

It is funny how much this blog has come to mean to me. It is funny how when things happen I make mental notes to share it with you guys. It is wonderful how I have such a hard time letting things go, but once they come out in my blog, I feel so much better.

Oh, and to those who left Anonymous* comments on my last post; You can’t hurt me with your cowardly comments. You don’t know me and you have to be a pretty angry person to say things just to hurt someone. If you don’t like what I am saying, I don’t care. Just leave.

*Apparently I forgot to disable those when I moved! Fixed now!

Two new amazing blessings

11 02 2009

There are certain people in my life that just touch me in a special way. For me, no two people can have that same special affect on me. This past week, two very special people, in two immensely different ways have gotten great news and I want to share it with you.

First, my very best friend in the entire world found out she is pregnant with my future goddaughter or godson (is that presumptuous? I don’t care!). This is the friend that has been “holding off” to have another until we are matched. This is the friend that allowed me to travel along with her during her last pregnancy and delivery. This is the friend that offered, and at one point begged to allow her to be a surrogate for us so we could have a baby soon.

Two weeks ago, she and I sat down and had a talk. I told her that I wasn’t ok with her waiting around for us and they she and her husband needed to follow their hearts and leave us out of the picuture. She knows how hurt we have been, especially lately, and she didn’t want to add to that. I told her we would be ok, of course, and that we would sincerely be happy for them. I also told her that it was likely that I would cry when I found out, but that wouldn’t mean anything other than that I was again grieving my lack of children – nothing to do with them. Isn’t it funny that she was pregnant then, and neither of us knew it!? I am so glad I talked to her about it, because I know it made her lots easier to tell me- and it made it a lot easier for me to hear, even though it was still a shock that it was so soon.

The best part about her is how selfless she is. When we talked, I asked her to tell me as soon as she could. I didn’t want to try to “guess” by her actions if she was pregnant, and I didn’t want her to have to pretend not to be for me. BUT, she found out two days before my shower (that she threw for me, BTW). She called me right after the shower and told me and said that she felt like she had been lying to me for three days, but she wanted to tell me after the shower so nobody at the shower knew so all the attention was on me. How sweet is that!? She truly is a great friend, and I am sincerely excited about experiencing this pregnancy with her. I know that she will allow me to be with her throughout this thing on my own terms- which usually means that I will be involved to the fullest. It is funny how when people tell me, “I NEED you to be there for me,” that I pull away, but when they tell me to be there for them on my terms, it draws me closer. It is amazing how far a little understanding can go. The pregnancies seem to be getting easier to handle. I’m glad for that.

Anyway, on to good news number two. My sweet friend, Rebekah. For me, my blog friends are much like my IRL friends. There are some that I just feel more connected to than others. Rebekah is one of those that I feel particularly connected to. She once called us heart sisters- and it is true. There are very few people in this world that really get some parts of you, and Rebekah gets the infertile part of me. Anyway, she and Ben were matched! If you go read about it, it seems strangely meant to be!

Rebekah is such a sweet girl! Her faith in God and her positive outlook are inspirational. The love and kindness that permeates through her words are astounding. There is something about a match for adoption that truly warms my heart. I am not sure if it is the fact that I KNOW where people have been and what they have gone through to get through where they are, or that fact that the more matches that are made, the closer I get to my child. Honestly though, I don’t think I could be happier for Rebekah and Ben, unless of course it was me!! Hehe! So, Congratulations Rebekah and Ben! I am so excited for you guys!

Reader discoveries

27 12 2008

I was playing around google reader recently which pathetically I have only recently discovered. I was very amused to find that my own blog was number one recommended feed. It made me laugh out loud and think that they do a pretty good job. They obviously knew that I would connect well with myself.

I went reading through the other recommended feeds and discovered that most of the sites I had already visited and just chosen not to follow for whatever reason. Then I thought, what WERE those reasons? They were mostly adoption related and I have everything in common with these people, the same as with the blogs I do follow regularly. What is it?

I think it is where they are in the process. Most of these blogs that I passed over are people who have adopted and are parenting. I started to feel guilty about the way that I get super excited to read posts by those still waiting [im]patiently to be matched or for their babies, and then still interested but less excited about those that already are parenting.

There is something about a post from a fellow waiter. The anticipation that comes from thinking “maybe they heard something,” or the satisfaction from knowing that if they are down, I am almost positive that I can relate and provide support and knowledge that they are not alone.

I felt like I betrayed my already parenting friends by feeling this way. But the more I though about it, the more I was GLAD that I felt this way. Once a waiting family gets placed and adopts, they just become a regular family. For the most part, the drama goes away, the desperation and anxiety goes away. The sensitivity towards those pregnant goes away (I hope) and the expectant waiting goes away. I want that. I want to be one of those blogs that I pass over because there isn’t much drama- just a regular family doing family things.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I never pass over any of your blogs (you know who you are and I love you guys). I get all sorts of amazing support from you all and I love seeing pictures of your babies and watching your children grow and hearing about how you are adjusting to parenthood. It is because of all that that keeps me coming back- because I have already gown to love you and your family.

It is cool to think that I will be getting my advice from those parenting blogs in the hopefully near future and even cooler to think that those “waiting” blogs will soon have something else to support each other on….parenting!

A little mush and a little sap

4 12 2008

Thank you all so much for your well wishes and congrats on my last few posts. You guys are awesome! It feels good to be thinking positively again and feeling good about where I am.

I’ve been thinking about my bloggy buddies and even just blogging a lot lately. I had been steering clear on purpose. I hate to be negative because it just isn’t me. However, I am really glad to be back in the swing of things. Melba left a comment that she had been thinking about me. Such a simple thing to say, yet it meant so much to me. I can’t even describe it, really, but it feels so good to be thought about and to have connections like this in blogland.
I am a very lucky girl. I have a great husband, an unbelievable family, in-laws that really care, more friends that I can count and a bunch of co-workers that I have a blast with. But none of those people really understand where I am at. Even my husband doesn’t think, stew, and obsess about adoption and babies like I do. It feels really good to know that there are so many people out there get it. I mean REALLY get it.

In business school in college they put us into “cohorts.” We were a group of about 15 students that took almost all of our classes together. At a large university like I attended, it was uncommon to know people in your classes, so we got to be really good friends with one another. It made the campus seem smaller, it made classes easier, and finding help no big deal.

That is how I feel about my adoption blog friends. I feel like I know you guys and can relate to what you are going through, especially those of you still waiting right along with me. I feel your pain when you are going through rough times, I cry tears of joy when wonderful things happen to you, and I think about you and I learn so much from you! I know it sounds sappy and silly, and when I read someone else say that they cry when they heard some good news I always think, “yeah, right.” But I was literally in tears when I heard Dave’s little girl was born and that Angie and Aaron were placed just before Thanksgiving. I love celebrating with you guys! I do, however, hope our friendships last much longer than those of my old college buddies!

Anyway, thank you guys for being willing to share your stories with me and even live it right along with me!

Some good little updates!

2 12 2008

I have been avoiding writing. Some because I haven’t had a lot of time, but mostly because I was sick of listening to myself whine. I hate to be all “woe is me,” but that is how I was. It is funny how financial struggles always seem to magnify other stresses (i.e. adoption). I have been pretty frustrated with just about everything and even the announcements of matches have sent the green eyed monster my way. I hate that. But things are looking up.

Here are some snippets from the past couple of weeks — all good news info.

– I got a free snowboard. A friend of mine had an old one that she was taking to goodwill, so she gave it to me. It isn’t the best, but it will do until the time comes for a new one.

– I convinced the In-laws to draw names this year for Christmas rather than giving EVERYONE gifts. That means that not including each other, we only have 5 gifts to buy for Christmas. YAY!

– I successfully attended SIL’s baby shower. It was weird for me, but I resisted the urge to cry, participated in all activities and accepted the numerous compliments of my gifts graciously. How much more supportive can a person get? I made her a twins diaper cake and a little stand with the babies initals on them in the theme of their room. I also got them three outfits apiece. So cute!

– We sold our SUV. I have never been so sad to see a car go. I miss it and I don’t particularly care for the little sedan I am driving around now, but I guess we all make sacrifices. If I told you guys how much money it is saving us each month you would probably have to change your drawers. No joke. Even with gas as low as it is the number is astounding.

– We went to Utah for Thanksgiving. We had a GREAT visit and even got to hit the slopes for the first time this season! Boy, were we sore! We are excited to head back that way for Christmas, too.

Hubby got a job! Thank God above! Man, I was pretty stressed about it. Talk about the worst time to be unemployed. It sounds like it will be a pretty good job for him, but it will take him a little time to get his feet wet, which is fine (it gives me a reason to be ok that we haven’t been placed yet). We are currently working on a game plan for what our financial picture would look like if we were placed and if I would be able to not work like I want to. We are throwing around the idea of watching a few neighborhood kids if we need extra money (not ideal, but worth it to not have to go to a reg. 9-5 job). Also, I was so nit-pickey and financially savvy the last few months during this rough time that we are picking up where we left off financially, except that we also have ALL of our adoption money set aside. I am SO PROUD of us! We were looking at our spending report that our bank creates for us and WOW! We can really scale back if need be. We are going to try to continue to live this way for the next six months and see how much money we can save! So, today we are very thankful!

I’ve tried to catch up on some blogs and there is lots of GOOD NEWS!

– Visit Dave and Amy and congratulate them on their new little bundle of joy that came a bit early yesterday. Annica Grace was born at 31 weeks but is doing fantastic and is the cutest little thing!

Aaron and Angie are parents! Last week little Holly arrived and they were placed before Thanksgiving! It fills me with great joy to see them smiling as a family! (me next, please!)

Reggie Bobby and her husband are matched! Congrats time and time again!

In not so great news, our little puppy is very sick! He went on the trip to Utah with us and has been miserable ever since we got back. He can’t keep any food down at all. After three trips to the vet, he seems to be feeling fine, but still can’t keep anything down. Poor baby!