My crazy weekend

3 08 2009

– I took Friday off to hang with my little sis an extra day before she went home.

– Took R to doc for her four month. She is doing fantastic and the doc said she is developmentally more like a six month old. Oh yeah! Gotta love that mama pride. She weighed 13.5 lbs and is 26.5 inches long. Both 50th percentile.

– My refrigerator broke and we lost all our food. Hubbs went directly to having to spend $1100 on a new one. I called a repair man and they came and fixed it in about three minutes for $225. I had a coupon for 20% off, so rather than an $1100 expense, it was $180. Go

– My baby nieces were born on Saturday! yay! Healthy as can be at 5lbs 7oz 18.5 inches and 6lbs 19.5 inches. I would share a photo, but they haven’t sent me one yet. Assholes. 🙂

– Went to the lake this weekend. I didn’t want to go but when I saw the perma-grin on my 13 year-old sister’s face when we put the throttle down, it was so worth it!!

– I tried CIO this weekend with R (against my will) because I know the sitter is going to. First time she was out after 8 minutes of crying. Second time, three minutes. I think she will be ok.

– Took my sis to the airport Sunday. Cried my eyeballs out.

– Last night, R slept 10.5 hours straight in her crib and I had to wake her up!! I hope it wasn’t just a fluke and that we are on to something here (maybe something to do with falling asleep by herself during her naps???).

– Took R to daycare for the first time today. I didn’t cry until I was well on my way to work. The sitter’s three year old looked at R and said, “She has a little head.” It cracked me up so much I forgot to be sad!!! I love kids! My niece and nephew (6 month old twins) also go there, and they have my husband’s family’s giant sized head… so in comparison, she DOES have a small head. Actually, she is only in the 25th percentile for head size, so in comparison to most babies, she has a small head.

– Happy Monday! Boo!


Bits and Pieces

5 06 2009

So, it’s Friday. Yay! I made it through my first week back to work. It wasn’t so bad, but this morning I did have a fleeting thought about how this is it. This is how my life is going to be from here on out. I guess it is possible that I would be able to go part-time or be a stay at home mom sometime in the future, but with the way things have gone financially the last year, it isn’t going to be anytime soon. So, I am still trying to find my way through the acceptance phase.

(brutal, ugly, honesty confessions ahead….be forewarned. It’s not pretty.) I don’t know how I feel about my grandma being our nanny. Not because she doesn’t do a good job, but because I don’t feel like I am handling it very well. For the record, I am unbelievably thankful that she is willing and able to do this for us. I SHOULD be nothing but thankful, but I didn’t realize that it was also going to be hard for ME. Apparently, I am a complete control freak. Yesterday, she and Hubbs cleaned the ENTIRE house. How awesome is that? It made me feel guilty and then I started noticing things that weren’t done right. The biggest thing was R’s laundry. The folding was horrendous and then ALL of her stuff was just shoved in one drawer. Her socks, bathing suit, clothes, burp clothes… into one drawer. I know this sounds terrible and I should be more thankful, but in reality, I just have to do it over again. But really, I can handle that. The part that I don’t know if I can handle is how I feel at night when I am home. I feel like I am entertaining and I feel like I am being judged as a mother all the time. I don’t feel like I have any alone time with R and I feel like I am being watched while I interact with her. Now, there is NOTHING that Granny is doing to make me feel this way. NOTHING. I know it is all me and it is all part of my insecurities, but it is still there. I am also really jealous. I hate that most days she gets to spend more time with her than me, and unlike a typical situation, she is still there at night. And then, even worse, I feel guilty for feeling this way because it is so totally unselfish and wonderful that she is doing this for us. Maybe it will get better and maybe I will get more used to it.

I’m sooo TIRED. The no sleep is catching up with me. I am ready to sleep in for sure! I keep having to wake R up in the mornings and when I get home to spend time with her. She doesn’t seem to mind, though. She still wakes up with a smile. I wouldn’t. Actually, I don’t!!

Yesterday at work, my boss’s boss asked me how my daughter was doing. It gave me chills to hear that. How fantastic. I think most people say, “How is your baby.” But for some reason, the word “daughter” is so much more powerful to me. I remember I have a baby at home, I think just sometime I forget I have a “daughter.” Does that make sense? (the difference isn’t between a daughter and son, but a baby and a daughter). So cool!!

I am finally getting caught up on my reader!! I have been a bad bad bloggy friend and I am sorry. I didn’t comment too much because I was trying to get caught up… but I am back. After all, I do have 8 hours a day of company time to kill. Hehe!

I LOVE reading birth parent blogs. My favorites are the ones who are struggling with THEIR placements, but are still supportive of the adoption world. It makes me feel like there is hope out there for the adoption “industry” to be viewed more positively.

I had an unfortunate incident at work with a co-worker that made a comment about adoption being “baby buying” in a matter of fact way. She wasn’t judging, just being ignorant. Needless to say it didn’t go over well with me and my polite way of trying to handle it ended up creating kind of a scene at the office because her ignorance ran so deep she didn’t understand that I was offended and I needed to make that CLEAR. I was kind of worried that I had totally embarrassed her, but a few hours later she came and asked if I wanted to start carpooling. So, I guess the ignorance just runs too deep there. I will not be carpooling with her. I don’t love the Earth THAT much. Sorry Earth.

I drink a lot of coffee now. Like five times as much as I used to.

I thought I saw R’s birth mom at work today. Obviously it wasn’t her, but it made me adrenaline pump nonetheless. It forced me to think about the very real possibility of running into them one day. I hope I am mature enough to handle that. I have been thinking about her birth parents a lot. I write letters to them in my head all the time. I am very disappointed in the first letter I sent them. This next one will be much better.

Today is a very big day adoption-wise. And would you believe it, I forgot about it! I will post more about it once today is OVER!!

4 06 2009

Things have been so good. It seems weird to say that, but I have honestly just been feeling GREAT!! I was dreading this week. I did not want to come back to work. I am worried that we may not be able to pay our bills in the short run. I should be stressed beyond belief, but I am just so happy it can’t get to me.

Work is just work. It is kinda fun to be back in the workplace and around other adults and using my brain for work-type things. I like my coworkers, my work keeps me busy, my boss loves me and it just isn’t so bad most days (well, for all three days I have been back). But the thing is, I can’t wait to get home. I just can’t ever wait! It is such a cool feeling to be so excited just to get HOME. I have always been a homebody, but this is totally different. Totally different and wonderful and fantastic. I don’t feel like I missing out on her life all day like I thought I would. I miss her, but I don’t feel so much like I am missing out. I get up WAY early so I can hang out with her every morning. Her caregivers are making her sleep as much as possible during the day, so when I get home, I wake her up and she immediately smiles. It is the BEST! It just isn’t half bad. We will see how I feel once the laundry piles up, though!! 🙂

So, this morning, my girl ROLLED OVER!! Granny (my grandma who insists that her name has been legally changed to just Granny) arrived this morning and she, Hubbs and I were sitting around talking with R on the couch next to me. I was explaining to granny how to work the remote control and I turned back and she had just flipped onto her tummy!! Holy cow! What a strong little girl. It isn’t that abnormal at 10 weeks, but still early! She is really, really strong for her age, which is cool.

THEN, Hubbs called me at work and he got a job. ALREADY! Less than a week! That’s my guy! It isn’t his dream job or anything and we would have to make some serious cutbacks (and I would have to continue to work FT for a long time), but it is a job that would make ends meet. He doesn’t start for almost three weeks, so he is going to keep looking for something better. Major stress reducer. It’s a good news day!

***Just so you know, Granny is only 68 so she isn’t the typical great-grandma. She is young and spunky and only 4 years older than my husbands parents! She always says she was a bit of a hussy when she was younger and got pregnant young!

Absenteeism and the Unemployment Bug

27 05 2009

I have been very absent lately and I it doesn’t seem like it is going to get any better. We have had a great couple of weeks and then a terrible one.

Let me start by saying that I know I am blessed. I am thankful beyond belief that I have R in my life. She is the greatest blessing and I love her to pieces. I am thankful for my job and my husband and my tremendous family. That being said, things suck.h

My husband got laid off… again today. Seriously? Uggghhh!! The company he has been working for (which recruited him from his old job) hasn’t paid him salary in a month and laid him off today saying that the wages he is owed will be paid in about 120 days. That doesn’t seem legal and definitely isn’t ethical, but that is the least of my concerns. So, now we have gone 8 weeks without either of us getting a paycheck, and now there is no income in sight for either of us. So, 120 days can kiss my ass.

So, my maternity leave will be cut short. Monday I will be headed back to work and leaving my two month old baby behind. (I AM thankful that I have the opportunity to do that, BTW!!) I know this isn’t the worst thing that could happen, but I am pretty devastated about the whole thing. It just crushes me. A year ago I was set to be a stay at home mom, yesterday I was set to go back part time and today I am going to be a full time working mom. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am blessed, it just isn’t how I imagined things and I am, once again, grieving the loss of a dream.

So, next week my step-mom is our nanny. The week after, my grandma. The next two weeks, my mom. What a great family I have.! I feel comforted to know that 1) R won’t have to be in day care any sooner than she was going to have to be yesterday and 2) We won’t have the added expense of day care for a month. The thought of trying to find a day care provider makes me well up with tears. So, I guess I am just sad. I am not feeling sorry for myself, honestly I don’t care so much about struggling with the money, I am just sad about what I am going to be missing out on. It does make me mad that because we are adopting R and didn’t give birth to her, I haven’t been paid for this time off at all.

Your prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Also, my dog is sick. Poor baby.

After my negative post, I leave you with this…

….makes it all worth it!

25 03 2009

I was reading a blog post about how painful it is to learn of someone’s pregnancy and have to watch/listen to our friends and family experience what we will never be able to. It made me think of how far I have come.

The past year there have been so many pregnancy announcements. It has been really rough dealing with it, but I feel like for the most part, it is getting easier. I think most of it has been due to my little sister’s pregnancy. Lets face it, my little sister who hasn’t a penny to her name getting pregnant from a one-night-stand with twins is about as hard as it gets. I reached the peak of the uphill battle, and I think from here on out it will be more of a downward slope. It seems to be getting easier.

Today, I talked her off the ledge, so to speak. She was expeicing some pretty signficant spotting and was freaking out and couldn’t find my mom. She called me beacuse she thought she might be with me (my mom is still in town, just with my grandma and aunt while I work). She tried not to tell me about what was happening, but I could tell she was upset. I talked to her for about an hour while she drove to the doctor and waited to get in. It is funny that although I have never pregnant, I know more than most about pregnancy. I was certain from her symptoms that everything was fine, and of course I was right. It made me feel good to be able to calm her down and I didn’t have any saddness at all.

She also found out the sex – two baby girls. She was CERTAIN that there were two boys cookin in there and at very least one of each. She even commented that there was no way it was two girls and that would be her least favorable outcome. I guess I haven’t come that far, because the fact that she was wrong made me smile a little. I guess some of the spite never goes away! Hehe. So, two little girls! How very exciting. The doc even thinks they are identical even though they are in two different sacs. I guess one placenta??? I don’t know that much about that whole thing. It is cool because I know 3 girls and 3 boys that are/will be born in my family/close cirlce of friends in 2009. Whevenever my child decides to find me, he/she will have playmates in both genders.


I have also been thinking about the insensitive comments that people make. I feel like I have become too sensitive. The fact that SO many people say SO many insensitive things makes me wonder how often I spout off insensitively and don’t even realize it. I am going to try to be a little more understanding of those- take a more educational approach than a defensive approach.

Here is what happened today: A coworker (that I talked about here) is finding out tomorrow the sex of their baby. I mentioned my sister is having two girls.

Him: “are you going to buy one?” (I just shook my head and looked down)

Another co-worker: “thats terrible to say.”

Him: “I told you I’d sell you mine for $50k.”

That was it. I had to say something.

Me: “That is very, very offensive to me and I would appreciate it if you would not say things like that to me.”

Him: “I’m sorry.” (looking me square in the eye)

It was a little awkward becuase multiple co-workers were there listening, but I felt the need to elaborate

Me: “I know you don’t mean anything by it, but your comment insinuates that I am in the market to purchase a child, and since I am not by anymeans buying a baby, it is offensive to me.”

Him: “I’m very sorry.”

Ok then.

I felt a little uncomfortable and didn’t want there to be uneasiness, so I sent him an email;

Me: I know you didn’t mean anything by your comment, but I wanted you to know how I felt about it. Sorry I made it awkward.

Him: I do apologize for it. It was totally my fault; I should be more sensitive to your situation. No awkwardness now.

Me: Consider it squashed.

Him: Works for me…..

I was very very proud of myself for the way I handled it. I didn’t get mad, like I have done in the past, and I didn’t just let it go, like I have done in the past. I think most people don’t know they are making an insensitive comment…..they have never walked in our shoes and sometimes you don’t know something is offensive unless someone tells you. I was also really suprised at how he handled it. He is what many would describe as cocky and assertive, but the second I said something, he was nothing but appologetic. I think it is tough to not get defensive or make excuses when someone calls you out.

Anyway, I guess the point of random, scattered post is that this process continues to change me . In all directions, all the time…

How do you choose a replacement?

18 03 2009

One of the toughest questions we were asked during our home study was who would we entrust with our children if something ever happened to us? We honestly were stumped. We have so many awesome and wonderful friends, but there always seems to be a roadblock as to why we wouldn’t ask them to be parents. For the time being, we decided on my parents. The reality, however, is that we would someone a little younger to care for our children (not to mention that by the time my littlest sister moves out, my mom will have been raising children for 36 years and she’ll probably need a little break.)

Three different people have asked us to be godparents. My BFF, my SIL and my sister. My BFF is wonderful and I think she is a great mom. I would have zero issues asking her to be that person for us. Her husband, as much as I love him, is not in any way a family man and loves his children, but also “tolerates” them on a daily basis. He is this way, very obviously, because his father wasn’t around…. And I don’t want to perpetuate that cycle with my children.

My SIL and BIL…..well, I love them because they are my family, but clearly I have vented many of my issues with them. While I don’t think they are going to be bad parents, they do not LOVE children in general. In my heart, I truly believe that if something were to happen to us, they would feel it to be a burden on them.

And my sister…. Oh goodness. When we named my parents during our homestudy, we figured that she would grow up in the next few years and we would eventually ask her. Unfortunately, things are going the other direction in that respect. She has recently dropped out of school, quit paying her bills (I am her permanent address and I kid you not have received 10+ collection/overdraft notices in the mail), and clearly has too much on her plate as it is.

So, how have you guys chosen? I am at a total loss here. I want it to be someone who will be close to our children so it isn’t traumatic….but both of our families seem to be in a bit of an upheaval period. Thinking about how difficult this decision is (and we don’t even actually have a child yet), it makes me even more honored that we have been honored so much. I wonder if any of them had to “settle” with us….. hmmmm. Naahhhh!

Always the God-mother, never the mother

12 03 2009

So, last night with the babies was so much fun!! I only spent about an hour and a half with them by myself, but their parents stayed for dinner, so I got to spend the whole evening with them.

I came to a realization; I love babies. Really, I already knew that, but I think I have been avoiding them a little the past few years. It is pretty awesome to be needed and pretty fulfilling to take a child from uncontrollable crying to contentedly sleeping in just moments.

After I posted last night, I put little boy in the pack and play and little girl was fussy so I just held her and continued to work on the computer. Little boy sneezed and it startled me- I had forgotten he was there!! It was only for a few seconds, but it made me laugh to think of how different twins are than singletons and I am just not used to two!!! I like not having to share, thought!

So, like I said in my last post, I am a little worried about my little puppy. A big story unfolded in my city where a chow bit a two week old infant on the head and the bite was fatal. The parents were both police officers and their chow had been their fur-baby pre-infant. Obviously, the story is heartbreaking, but it makes me a little nervous.

Captain seems to be just interested in them, but also a little starved for attention (he is like that when there aren’t babies around, too though. Attention whore!). At this point, I am not worried. He just wants to lick the crap out of them, but he does try to jump and grab their feet when I hold them and walk around (puppy’s got hops!).

My SIL said she read that yorkies are known for that type of thing, too (Captain is ½ yorkie). I can find that they are known for jealousy, but not for biting in a fit of jealousy (do they go hand in hand?) I found a good article on preparing your fur-baby for the real thing. Especially since ours is immensely spoiled.

The biggest thing for us is obedience. I don’t want to take obedience classes, and since he had clearly chosen me to be the far favorite in the house, I would have to take him. One more thing on the list before baby comes, I guess.We have talked about getting another puppy so he will have someone to play with, but I think that just might make us have two jealous dogs!

Anyway, once my SIL and BIL came home, we sat down to dinner and they asked us to be the twins’ god-parents. How cool is that? I was totally honored and got a little teary-eyed. What a compliment, huh? I don’t think there is a greater one than someone else choosing you to be the parent of their child if something happens to them. We talked about it for a long time and after awhile I jokingly said, “Now, you realize that by doing this you make a little-teeny part of me want you dead, right?” Of course we all laughed and they said, “Yeah, we already considered that.”

By then end of 2009, I will have 6 god-children. Now all I need is something terrible to happen to my friends and family and I am in!! Hehe! I am totally kidding, by the way. That is NOT how I want to become a mother. I would embrace it, though, for the record.