Relieving stress

20 06 2009

Tonight I am relieving stress. I am not doing anything but hanging out with my girl and doing a little art therapy while she sleeps.

Yesterday was rough. I really almost lost it. There was just too much going on in one day. Hubbs and I are both just dealing with this whole situation very differently, yet very much the same: with a short fuse. I would say that the root of all the stress is financial, but really it isn’t about the actual money or paying the bills at all. It is all about the stress of our new lifestyle; stay at home daddy and working mommy. For some reason, when I am at work, I am super stressed out (about home stuff). But once I am home, I look back at my day and wonder what the heck I was so stressed about. It is tough not being able to stay at home like I wanted, but even more so when someone else is doing your job differently than you would. Ok, yeah, I know I have control issues. Whatever.

But, today I am feeling much better. The stress of having the in-laws over for dinner (never again- they just add to my stress big time!!), post placement visits and messy houses (thanks Hubby!) is behind me and I cancelled my plans for tonight so I can just unwind a little. I am feeling way better!! Out second post placement visit went very well. SW didn’t scoff at Hubbs losing his job, in fact she was very empathetic with our situation and seemed pleased with how we were handling it. Whew. I shouldn’t have been worried, but I guess that is just what I do!! We completed all the paperwork to petition the court and in about 6 weeks we should have a court date. I am ready for that for sure!!

My in-laws are freaking nuts! Seriously. I told Hubbs yesterday afternoon that he needed to call them and reschedule because I was too stressed. He refused so I told him that I wasn’t going to be held responsible for any attitude that I showed them. Ok, when I say them, I really mean HIM. My FIL is a true piece of work! Let me tell you!! They aren’t at my home for two minutes before he is bitching about how he doesn’t get to see R enough (after Father’s Day it will be three times in two weeks. That is MORE than ENOUGH!!). He is king of the guilt trip, and everyone just lets him work them over and it pisses me off. So, my response is, “you know, we are adjusting to a completely new schedule. Our stress levels cannot handle a guilt trip on top of everything.” A few moments later while holding R, he speaks through her, “who is this strange person holding me? Is this the neighbor or a friend? It couldn’t be grandpa, I should know my grandpa.” Later, he makes a comment (again through R) that grandma wants to hold her for “at least an hour.” My response (through R), “I just miss my mommy too much for that!” I did share my time adequately with grandma. After all, it isn’t her fault that her husband is trying to get me to spend some time in prison for homicide. Throughout the evening, he makes other comments that just get under my skin. From, “The profile of her face is really starting to come around.” (WHAAAATTT???? Come around? Seriously?!? If I didn’t know I have the cutest little girl in the world, I might have been offended by that!) to “you’re really going to have to break that habit,” in regards to her listening to white noise at night (and why? I still listen to a rain machine…) When they left, MIL says thanks for having us and Hubbs says, “anytime.” My bitter mood pipes in with, “well, not anytime, but we will do again.” Hubbs was a little mad at that one. Anyway, enough of my vent. In short, my in-laws overwhelm and annoy me.

But, R is doing well. She has some serious eczema that we took her to the doctor for. It is doing much better. She has decided that her carseat is the worst place in the entire world. She screams, and I mean SCREAMS in the car. And this girl is not a crier. It makes me want to pull my own hair out! I did a little research and we ordered a lights and sounds car mirror and we play the rain white noise in the car. Both things seem to be helping.

Tonight is going to be her first night sleeping in her own room. We have done a pretty good job weaning her out of her swing, and onto sleeping in her own room. I am not too worried because she sleeps so well as long as she is swaddled (which will be our next sleeping task!). So, wish me luck. Actualy, she is already asleep in there, I just need to get to bed sometime soon. I have to work in the morning (on a Saturday! Bleh!) and I have to leave for work by 6:30am. At least I will be home by 11am!!


Quick post

19 06 2009

I am stressed to the max. I literally don’t think I have ever been this stressed and none of it is baby related! Finances are rough, work is unbelievably busy, hubbs job situation is caught between a rock and hard place, I am convinced my husband must want me to smother him with my pillow, my home is a disaster (husband is failing miserably at the stay at home dad thing, trying to cut him some slack, not succeeding), and our second post-placement visit is tomorrow. Whew! Count to ten and take a deep breath!

In other news, R is great.

In even other news, Rebkah and Ben’s little Ty is here! I cannot express my joy enough!

4 06 2009

Things have been so good. It seems weird to say that, but I have honestly just been feeling GREAT!! I was dreading this week. I did not want to come back to work. I am worried that we may not be able to pay our bills in the short run. I should be stressed beyond belief, but I am just so happy it can’t get to me.

Work is just work. It is kinda fun to be back in the workplace and around other adults and using my brain for work-type things. I like my coworkers, my work keeps me busy, my boss loves me and it just isn’t so bad most days (well, for all three days I have been back). But the thing is, I can’t wait to get home. I just can’t ever wait! It is such a cool feeling to be so excited just to get HOME. I have always been a homebody, but this is totally different. Totally different and wonderful and fantastic. I don’t feel like I missing out on her life all day like I thought I would. I miss her, but I don’t feel so much like I am missing out. I get up WAY early so I can hang out with her every morning. Her caregivers are making her sleep as much as possible during the day, so when I get home, I wake her up and she immediately smiles. It is the BEST! It just isn’t half bad. We will see how I feel once the laundry piles up, though!! 🙂

So, this morning, my girl ROLLED OVER!! Granny (my grandma who insists that her name has been legally changed to just Granny) arrived this morning and she, Hubbs and I were sitting around talking with R on the couch next to me. I was explaining to granny how to work the remote control and I turned back and she had just flipped onto her tummy!! Holy cow! What a strong little girl. It isn’t that abnormal at 10 weeks, but still early! She is really, really strong for her age, which is cool.

THEN, Hubbs called me at work and he got a job. ALREADY! Less than a week! That’s my guy! It isn’t his dream job or anything and we would have to make some serious cutbacks (and I would have to continue to work FT for a long time), but it is a job that would make ends meet. He doesn’t start for almost three weeks, so he is going to keep looking for something better. Major stress reducer. It’s a good news day!

***Just so you know, Granny is only 68 so she isn’t the typical great-grandma. She is young and spunky and only 4 years older than my husbands parents! She always says she was a bit of a hussy when she was younger and got pregnant young!

Absenteeism and the Unemployment Bug

27 05 2009

I have been very absent lately and I it doesn’t seem like it is going to get any better. We have had a great couple of weeks and then a terrible one.

Let me start by saying that I know I am blessed. I am thankful beyond belief that I have R in my life. She is the greatest blessing and I love her to pieces. I am thankful for my job and my husband and my tremendous family. That being said, things suck.h

My husband got laid off… again today. Seriously? Uggghhh!! The company he has been working for (which recruited him from his old job) hasn’t paid him salary in a month and laid him off today saying that the wages he is owed will be paid in about 120 days. That doesn’t seem legal and definitely isn’t ethical, but that is the least of my concerns. So, now we have gone 8 weeks without either of us getting a paycheck, and now there is no income in sight for either of us. So, 120 days can kiss my ass.

So, my maternity leave will be cut short. Monday I will be headed back to work and leaving my two month old baby behind. (I AM thankful that I have the opportunity to do that, BTW!!) I know this isn’t the worst thing that could happen, but I am pretty devastated about the whole thing. It just crushes me. A year ago I was set to be a stay at home mom, yesterday I was set to go back part time and today I am going to be a full time working mom. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am blessed, it just isn’t how I imagined things and I am, once again, grieving the loss of a dream.

So, next week my step-mom is our nanny. The week after, my grandma. The next two weeks, my mom. What a great family I have.! I feel comforted to know that 1) R won’t have to be in day care any sooner than she was going to have to be yesterday and 2) We won’t have the added expense of day care for a month. The thought of trying to find a day care provider makes me well up with tears. So, I guess I am just sad. I am not feeling sorry for myself, honestly I don’t care so much about struggling with the money, I am just sad about what I am going to be missing out on. It does make me mad that because we are adopting R and didn’t give birth to her, I haven’t been paid for this time off at all.

Your prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Also, my dog is sick. Poor baby.

After my negative post, I leave you with this…

….makes it all worth it!

Slightly spewing

26 02 2009
I gave blood yesterday and today I feel like crap. I think too much coffee and not enough blood in my veins is making me very lethargic. It is also putting me in a cranky mood, so I have been lingering on a few things that have been irritating me.

– My little sis’ babies’ daddy (did I mention he and I used to be friends) emailed me. All it said was, “When are you getting your baby?” I can’t really explain why it was so irritating and insulting to me. I know part of it is the fact that I haven’t spoken to him since before he knocked up my sister- but I think the very nature and nonchalant-ness of the email totally ticked me off. It’s like, when are you getting that new TV you were talking about? I am surprisingly angry about it. What do you guys think? Is the content insulting or is it just me?

– Na.dya Su.leman. This whole situation is beyond irritating me. Both because of the situation itself and how the media and people I know are handling it. From foreclosures to family drama to [proposed] one million dollar po.rn contracts, Bleh! Frankly, I feel sorry for this woman(in a weird way that she doesn’t really deserve), and even sorrier for her children. The fact is, what is done is done and now there are a bunch of babies that need to be taken care of. I am incredibly sick of people saying, “she needs to adopt them out” and asking me if I would adopt one of them. Both things just piss me off. What? What the heck does is mean to adopt OUT? Grrr…. I won’t even go further into this. I’ve probably already said too much.

– A barely acquaintance asked me this weekend, “have you heard anything about your adoption yet.” My response, “No, nothing yet.” Her response, “Well, you just need to be patient.” What? Shut up. Don’t tell me to be patient when you are asking ME questions about it!

So, like I said. I am feeling irritable today!

On the brighter side, Hubbs loves his new job and he is doing great so far! I hope SOOO much that it continues to go this way for him!

My baby sister (12 y/o) called me yesterday and asked if I would teach her how to out on make-up when I see her this weekend. How stinkin’ cute! I am so excited! I got her this:
And then added a few things to it. It’s like a little make-up starter kit! I’m so excited!

My SIL seems to be doing much better and I think she might actually love those cute little babies. I spent the afternoon over there a few days ago and got to hold them both at once. It was fun! I could totally do twins!

I’ve decided to send the “business cards” to our friends and family. I think I am going to just do the cards and then send a warm letter with them instead of a postcard.

Oh, and I decided to move here because I created another blog for family and I didn’t want this one to be searchable with my name and “adoption.” So, thanks for following along.

13 02 2009

I hate the economy right now. It is REALLY affecting us.

All in all, my dreams of being a stay at home mom are being crushed by our failing economy. We have all the money saved for our adoption, but nothing above that. We are trying to figure out how we would make ends meet if we got matched and I had to take 4 months off of work (thanks for unpaid FMLA for adoptive parents!!! Boooooo!!!).

So, Hubbs HATES his new job. He says he is miserable and he hates the person he has to become to do the job well. Who can argue with that?

We are considering two options for him; 1) go work at a local university (where he knows a manager and can start tomorrow) for decent pay (but not enough to pay our bills) and get free tuition to get his masters or 2) Go work for a mortgage company that would be mostly commission but he could probably make a lot more money.

We are having trouble deciding. #2 option would be lots more cash and we could really save some serious money. It probably wouldn’t be long term and in the end would probably be right were we started professionally. If we got matched, we could pay our bills with the his earnings or the money we saved between now and then. #1 would be better long term, but even if it took a year for us to get matched, we wouldn’t have much money saved and I don’t know how we would manage to pay our bills during the time off.

As far as me working, I am not going to do more than part time. I refuse (unless absolutely necessary, of course). I would rather move to a smaller house and live without cable and internet. Hubbs doesn’t agree. I haven’t talked to my job about going part time after the baby, and I really don’t want to talk about it until I know WHEN that will be. They think I am on board here as a lifetime employee and I don’t want to give them any indication otherwise. I have talked to other men and women in our department that are part time and don’t see an issue as long as I continue to be a performing employee. I think when I ask, I will ask as a temporary thing (like a year) and then we can re-evaluate.

My only other option is doing home day care. Not my favorite idea, but I will do will do what I have to if my job doesn’t let me go part time. I already have 4 kids’ parents that are a sure thing.

I don’t know what to do. I am VERY stressed about making decisions and it is really frustrating me because if we were able to conceive, we would have a 9 month timeline. Here the unknown is pretty debilitating!

In the meantime, we are trying to sell our car and starting to figure out a budget. We haven’t really had a strict budget in the past because we didn’t really need one- there was always money there. The biggest thing is learning to grocery shop on a budget!! We will make it, I know we will. It is just this transition time right when I just want to be placed that is so tough!


16 01 2009

I was talking to my mom yesterday about a friend of hers that has struggled with infertility. He and his wife have been married 8 years and have been trying to children that whole time. In the past year, they have quit trying and resolved to not have children. They are not happy with the outcome, both want children more than anything, but they have decided that since they are on the older end (both in their early 40s) and their financial situation isn’t the best, that it isn’t fair to anyone for them to continue trying. As he was telling my mom, he cried.

I don’t know why this story is affecting me so much (I literally started crying when my mom was telling me). I literally cannot imagine having to decide that I would never have children. I can’t imagine living through every pregnancy around me without knowing that there is a light at the end of my tunnel. I can’t imagine living through every Mother’s Day without knowing that someday I will get a ceramic handprint from my little one. I guess I have been a little down lately about my own situation and my own frustration lately and it makes me feel guilty about how fortunate I am.

For one, I am very young. I just turned 27 and we are fully invested in this process. I could be (and hope to be) a mom when I am 27. Part of the reason we are so young is because I cracked the whip on having kids- we tried for babies for exactly one year before getting tested and because of Hubbs’ issues, we were thrown headfirst into treatments (strait to IVF).

Secondly, we are financially very fortunate. This past year has been very rough on us in that respect, but considering where our economy stands and the fact that we have all our money saved for the adoption- we are SO FORTUNATE!!
Sometimes I get down on this whole process, on the very fact that I am even going through it. While it is rough in its own right, I am so thankful for the opportunity to be here. I am so thankful that even though my body has failed to bring me children, that I will have the opportunity to be a mom and have a family….someday!