How do you choose a replacement?

18 03 2009

One of the toughest questions we were asked during our home study was who would we entrust with our children if something ever happened to us? We honestly were stumped. We have so many awesome and wonderful friends, but there always seems to be a roadblock as to why we wouldn’t ask them to be parents. For the time being, we decided on my parents. The reality, however, is that we would someone a little younger to care for our children (not to mention that by the time my littlest sister moves out, my mom will have been raising children for 36 years and she’ll probably need a little break.)

Three different people have asked us to be godparents. My BFF, my SIL and my sister. My BFF is wonderful and I think she is a great mom. I would have zero issues asking her to be that person for us. Her husband, as much as I love him, is not in any way a family man and loves his children, but also “tolerates” them on a daily basis. He is this way, very obviously, because his father wasn’t around…. And I don’t want to perpetuate that cycle with my children.

My SIL and BIL…..well, I love them because they are my family, but clearly I have vented many of my issues with them. While I don’t think they are going to be bad parents, they do not LOVE children in general. In my heart, I truly believe that if something were to happen to us, they would feel it to be a burden on them.

And my sister…. Oh goodness. When we named my parents during our homestudy, we figured that she would grow up in the next few years and we would eventually ask her. Unfortunately, things are going the other direction in that respect. She has recently dropped out of school, quit paying her bills (I am her permanent address and I kid you not have received 10+ collection/overdraft notices in the mail), and clearly has too much on her plate as it is.

So, how have you guys chosen? I am at a total loss here. I want it to be someone who will be close to our children so it isn’t traumatic….but both of our families seem to be in a bit of an upheaval period. Thinking about how difficult this decision is (and we don’t even actually have a child yet), it makes me even more honored that we have been honored so much. I wonder if any of them had to “settle” with us….. hmmmm. Naahhhh!


Two counts of sad news

12 02 2009

Ugghhh!! After yesterday’s good news post, I had a TERRIBLE day. It was just awful and I spent most of the day just crying!

A friend of mine’s five-year-old son passed away yesterday morning. It is always sad when you hear of stories like this. The sadness always touches my heart a little when I hear of a person’s life ending extremely early. But I have never known the child before. I have never known the mother and the father before and it hurts! I hurt so badly for them. Their son has always had medical problems and his death wasn’t a shock, but I cannot imagine their grief (and we have been a little disconnected with them for the past year because they recently moved across country- so I WAS shocked!). Hubbs called me to tell me and we both cried together on the phone. Hubbs isn’t a crier at all and I can’t remember a time when we cried together.

It is funny what loss does to you. Don’t get me wrong, I am not comparing my lack of children to losing a child. But I do know that what I am going through HURTS and I can only imagine the magnitude in which that hurt multiplies when you actually lose someone you know and love. I don’t know what it is like at all, but I know that it has to be debilitating. Sometimes I feel like I hurt so bad that nothing could hurt any more than this. Days like yesterday I KNOW I am wrong and it puts things into perspective a little for me.


Also yesterday we got bad news within our family. Three years ago my uncle had brain surgery to remove a tumor. It was really bad and I don’t know any of the medical jargon to explain it. We were told then that they got most of it, which should prolong his life, but that it would ultimately be terminal.

He went for a test on Tuesday and yesterday we got the results that the tumor has grown. A lot. We know that is very bad, but nobody can nail anything down more specific than that. Everybody is a mess!

Please say prayers for my family and the L family to find peace and strength during this time!!

Two new amazing blessings

11 02 2009

There are certain people in my life that just touch me in a special way. For me, no two people can have that same special affect on me. This past week, two very special people, in two immensely different ways have gotten great news and I want to share it with you.

First, my very best friend in the entire world found out she is pregnant with my future goddaughter or godson (is that presumptuous? I don’t care!). This is the friend that has been “holding off” to have another until we are matched. This is the friend that allowed me to travel along with her during her last pregnancy and delivery. This is the friend that offered, and at one point begged to allow her to be a surrogate for us so we could have a baby soon.

Two weeks ago, she and I sat down and had a talk. I told her that I wasn’t ok with her waiting around for us and they she and her husband needed to follow their hearts and leave us out of the picuture. She knows how hurt we have been, especially lately, and she didn’t want to add to that. I told her we would be ok, of course, and that we would sincerely be happy for them. I also told her that it was likely that I would cry when I found out, but that wouldn’t mean anything other than that I was again grieving my lack of children – nothing to do with them. Isn’t it funny that she was pregnant then, and neither of us knew it!? I am so glad I talked to her about it, because I know it made her lots easier to tell me- and it made it a lot easier for me to hear, even though it was still a shock that it was so soon.

The best part about her is how selfless she is. When we talked, I asked her to tell me as soon as she could. I didn’t want to try to “guess” by her actions if she was pregnant, and I didn’t want her to have to pretend not to be for me. BUT, she found out two days before my shower (that she threw for me, BTW). She called me right after the shower and told me and said that she felt like she had been lying to me for three days, but she wanted to tell me after the shower so nobody at the shower knew so all the attention was on me. How sweet is that!? She truly is a great friend, and I am sincerely excited about experiencing this pregnancy with her. I know that she will allow me to be with her throughout this thing on my own terms- which usually means that I will be involved to the fullest. It is funny how when people tell me, “I NEED you to be there for me,” that I pull away, but when they tell me to be there for them on my terms, it draws me closer. It is amazing how far a little understanding can go. The pregnancies seem to be getting easier to handle. I’m glad for that.

Anyway, on to good news number two. My sweet friend, Rebekah. For me, my blog friends are much like my IRL friends. There are some that I just feel more connected to than others. Rebekah is one of those that I feel particularly connected to. She once called us heart sisters- and it is true. There are very few people in this world that really get some parts of you, and Rebekah gets the infertile part of me. Anyway, she and Ben were matched! If you go read about it, it seems strangely meant to be!

Rebekah is such a sweet girl! Her faith in God and her positive outlook are inspirational. The love and kindness that permeates through her words are astounding. There is something about a match for adoption that truly warms my heart. I am not sure if it is the fact that I KNOW where people have been and what they have gone through to get through where they are, or that fact that the more matches that are made, the closer I get to my child. Honestly though, I don’t think I could be happier for Rebekah and Ben, unless of course it was me!! Hehe! So, Congratulations Rebekah and Ben! I am so excited for you guys!

Our Baby Shower

9 02 2009
We had our baby shower last weekend. It was AMAZING! I have never felt so loved and supported… and we had a blast!

We live in AZ and lately, the temp has been around 75 degrees. Well, of course on the day of our outdoor shower it is forecasted for “moderate rain all day.” I was stressed about it all week, but planned to play volleyball in the rain anyhow. God and the sun were shinning down on us, however. The sky was blue, the sun was shinning and it was an absolutely beautiful day despite the weather guy, who clearly knows nothing (Sunday however, was horrid and I was again thankful for our beautiful Saturday!).

When we were arriving at the venue I saw all sorts of baby-colored balloons designating our spot and I got pretty choked up. I only had a few other moments where I had to remind myself to breathe slowly so I didn’t cry!

All in all, we had 46 adults and 19 children show up to show their support for us. How awesome is that? It was amazing to see all those people there for us. We didn’t do anything baby shower-ish at all, other than eat cake. We didn’t even open presents because we were all having so much fun playing volleyball, horseshoes and digging in the sand (not me, of course! J). It was great because it just felt like we were celebrating and that everyone was there to show their support. There were only a few moments when I had to check in with a small group to make sure that we were doing ok and it wasn’t “weird.” Someone commented that Hubbs and I did a great job being the “newlyweds” at a wedding “allocating our time and fitting everyone in.” There were so many people there, that both of us just naturally made our way around to each group of people to thank them for coming at to chat a bit. It was way better than a wedding though because it was only our close friends and family (and new adoption friends) so we sincerely WANTED to talk to everyone! We didn’t even notice until very late that we hadn’t really seen each other all day!

We brought copies of our profile with us, and got tons and tons of compliments. Several people made jokes about how we left out the important things (like hubbs love for fart jokes and my “attitude”). Some of our adoption friends were there and they ogled our profile. It made me a little uncomfortable because since it is so completely awesome (humble much?), they both commented that theirs “sucked” and I was worried they would poach my ideas. One woman told me she was going to send me her words and photos and I was going to put it together for them. My response; “sure, after we are matched.” J

I was really nervous about the whole thing, but I was pleasantly surprised at how normal it all seemed. I didn’t feel awkward or weird, and it was really cool because it gave people lots of opportunities to ask us about the process and all things adoption. I only had one embarrassing moment when my wonderful step-mom said ALL THE WRONG things to my friends’ (adopted) son. I apologized profusely and was very embarrassed. His mother handled it beautifully and told me not to worry about it and that my SM had good intentions. Clearly I still have some work to do with my family on adoption do’s and don’ts!!

Oh, did I mention the gifts!?!?! How blessed are we and how blessed is our child? We don’t even know who our child is, but already he/she has so many people wishing him/her into our lives and loving him/her! I’ve never seen a pile of gifts this big in my life! There we so much stuff and we had so much fun opening them. We got a few duplicates and returned them on Sunday. We literally got almost EVERYTHING off of one of our registries! We are COMPLETELY ready now. If we got the call today we would only have to stop for formula (and I am sure there are free samples coming in the mail!)!! We are so thankful and I am actually excited to start working on our thank you’s to express our gratitude!

The gift table
My very own diaper cake! Isn’t it awesome!
I couldn’t even list all the stuff in this picture if I tried! Sooooo much awesome stuff! It is weird to have baby toys in my house! Oh yeah, and an entire fully functionable nursery!!

If you are waiting and considering doing a shower…. Do it! It was awesome and fulfilling and validating and it made me feel that someday we might even have a baby!!

Shower Shower Shower

14 01 2009

I talked about how my friend is going to throw us a baby shower- which is really more of an adoption party. We are doing it here


This is an outdoor venue that serves burgers and dogs and beer and has sand volleyball, ping pong, horseshoes and more. It is exactly what I wanted and what I pictured. Except that tequnically it is a bar.

I love the place, it is so much fun and the even I think will be a blast with all of our close friends and family. I just can’t shake the tackiness that we are having a baby shower at a bar. Part of me loves the non-traditional nature of it though.

I can’t handle the thought of having a traditional baby shower right now. It literally makes me so uncomfortable my skin crawls. This is exactly what I need right now and I am super excited – – even if it is a bit odd, so is this whole experience right now.

Dream a little dream…

8 01 2009

I had my first adoption dream. I have been going through this for well over a year and I haven’t dreamed about it…. which I didn’t even realize until I actually dreamed it. Can you analyze the lack of dreams? Anyway…

I dreamed I was walking my dog down the block and there were police and ambulance outside a house. There were lots of people out there and it turned out that a mother of a nine month old had died suddenly. I asked about the baby and the baby’s grandmother asked if I knew anyone interested in adoption. I carried the baby home with me from my dog walk. I was stressed because I couldn’t get a hold of my SW and I was also disappointed because the baby wasn’t a newborn. She did look cute in our nursery, though.

So, pretty random, huh? It made me sad that I was disappointed about the age of the baby- because I would be if we adopted a non-newborn. I don’t like that I would be disappointed, but I would be. I want to do it from the beginning and I would have not knowing about the first months of my baby’s life.

Also, at New Year’s a friend (our adoption mentors) said that she had a dream we adopted twin boys. She claims that her dreams are somewhat clairvoyant when it comes to pregnancies and figures it will trickle down to adoptions, too. Wouldn’t that be a crazy ride? It made me feel really good that she thought about us enough to dream about us. Weird, huh?

Snow covered slopes, here I come!

19 12 2008

My BFF and her husband got me the coolest gift. A SNOWBOARD! Yes, a snowboard! How cool is that? You should have seen it when they gave it to me. I was literally jumping up and down and shreeking for joy! It was a much needed burst of excitement after the week I have had!! I guess it wasn’t so much the board, even though it is awesome. You see, we don’t do gifts. I mean, ever. We ALWAYS get together for our birthdays and have dinner and drinks, but we don’t do gifts- it is an unwritten rule. When they told me they got me a present I protested, because, again, we don’t do GIFTS! And they said that they don’t want to change that but they felt that this was a special year. They have watched as I sacrificed so much this year to save money for our adoption and that I had been so supportive of hubbs when he lost his job and then on top of that I have had a rough year and they really wanted to make me smile! Yes, it did make me smile. As I was jumping up and down, BFF said to Hubbs, “Don’t you just love to see Bri smile.” It made me smile more. (And then I had to question, Do I not smile enough? They said I smile plenty, just not this week!)

On the subject of my “grief,” I am feeling much better, although I am kind of avioding thinking about it. When I do think about it, I don’t feel so desperate and out of control though. Good thing, too. I was worried it wasn’t going to get easier. We will see how it goes once I actually talk to her!

Thanks for all of your support and Birthday wishes!