Thankful Day!

11 12 2008

I almost lost my job today. Not really, but I THOUGHT I lost my job today.

Today is my late shift, so I work 11am-8pm. About 9:30am this morning I get a call from a friend who works for the same company in the same building but a different (but related) department saying he got laid off and they are shutting down the entire center. He was pretty sure my department was affected also. I got in my car to head to work and was frantically dialing all of my coworker’s numbers to no avail. When I got to work 45 minutes later, I was sick to my stomach and sure I was meeting my doom. Nope. Not my department. We are good to go, but the center is shutting down so we will be relocating to a building a few miles away. WHEW!!! So, today I am immensely thankful for my job!

The whole situation has got me thinking, though. I have been very stressed lately. I have been hating my job and being irritable at home and frustrated with people and stressed about money. I don’t really like the way I have been handling adversity. In a meeting with my boss I caught myself telling him that I have had a rough year (personally). I haven’t had a rough year. I have had a great year but during that time I have also been impatiently waiting for a baby and my husband got laid off. That is it!

So, I am going to try to be more positive. I am going to try to take more pride in the things that I do every day and enjoy my life more.

– I am going to focus more and put more effort in at work (as soon as I am finished writing this post).
– I am going to be a better wife. I am going to be more kind to my husband and not be so short with him then blame it on my stress from the adoption (because AFTER the adoption I will just blame it on the stress of parenting an infant…and so on.)
– I am going to stop treating “waiting” as if it is such a horrible thing and enjoy this time.
– I am going to enjoy doing ADULT things that I won’t be able to do once I have a tiny baby.
– I am going to be happy and thankful for all the truly wonderful things in my life.


External factors

11 11 2008

I’ve been having a really rough time lately. I’m not quite sure what it is, I think it is probably a combination of things. Hubby’s job situation, SIL pregnancy, people and their ignorant comments, and this waiting for a baby thing. I’ll address them individually.

Hubby’s Job
Hubby is looking ever so diligently for a job. He works in the auto finance industry and as I am sure you all, that industry SUCKS right now. There is a possible job at my company (which is also his old company that he left 6 months ago) which he is perfect for, more than qualified for, and the absolute best person for the job (my professional and personal opinion). The hurdles there are 1) the actually replace the person who left and 2) they forgive him for leaving the company 6 months ago. He also has a few other jobs in play, the most promising being one where he would work weird hours- every other weekend, ALL weekend long. It would be ok, but it isn’t the most stable of jobs (strait commission) and we wouldn’t see each other for half the weekends. But, it is a job, and for that we should be thankful.

SIL pregnancy
My SIL is being very nice. I saw her last night and she complimented me on my weight loss, my long, healthy fingernails and squeezed my hand while we were talking about the job/adoption funds stuff. She is just REALLY pregnant right now, and I just kept staring at her belly. It is crazy that she is going to have babies. I wish I could be happier about it, but it literally stings to talk about it.

People and their ignorant comments
This past weekend I went to my dad’s house for a party. He had lots of his friends and his family there. When I walked in, my aunt introduced me to her friend and her friend said,

“Oh, we HAVE to talk!”

Me: “About what?”

Friend: “I know four girls that have adopted and they all have gotten pregnant.”

Me: “Well, I don’t need or even want that to happen.” Even though I wanted to snidely thank her for being the tiny light in the dark, cold tunnel that is my adoption journey and that without her, I might never have known that after I adopt, there still might be a chance for me to REALLY be happy.

Friend: “REALLY????? Why not?”

Me: “We have chosen to build a family through adoption for a reason. We are very happy with that decision and don’t have any desire change it.”

Friend: A series of other ignorant questions that I battled a little sarcastically.

Then, throughout the course of the evening people kept making comments to us about becoming parents.

“Well, you won’t be able to do THAT once you kids.”

“Being parents isn’t always easy.”

To Hubby, “you know, you will be expected to be home by 5pm once you have kids.” (like he isn’t already!)

Hello!?!?! We didn’t get knocked up at a frat party. We have been SERIOUSLY trying to bring children into our home for FOUR years. We have thought it through quite a bit and know the highs and lows raising children. I know we still have a lot to learn, but nothing that advice will teach us- only things that parenting itself will teach us. The whole night I wanted to scream for everyone to just SHUT UP!!! (deeeeep breath…..relax!)

Waiting for Baby
The waiting for baby thing is really giving me a run for my money lately. I think it is mostly because of our financial situation. Right before hubby lost his job we had just transferred the final amount we needed into our savings account to pay for the adoption. We haven’t had to touch it yet, but it is because I am guarding that money with my life. This situation just reminds me how unfair this whole situation is. It just stinks that how much money I have in my bank account affects if/how many children I will have. I know that this comes into play for everyone regardless of how they chose to grow their families, but with adoption, it is a significant amount of money DOWN, then all the other stuff. I feel like I have my light saber and I am protecting my savings account from all my bills.

I hope things let up a little bit soon. I feel like internally I am happy, but all these external factors keep getting in the way!

My SCARY Halloween Post

31 10 2008

Happy Halloween everyone. Not a big fan of Halloween myself (since I could trick-or-treat anyway), but it will be more fun once I have some little ones to dress us.

This past week marks the one year mark without any infertility treatments. I am not sad about it at all. The year has gone by fast. I have no infertility regrets, I am happy with where I am and the path we are headed down.

Since it’s Halloween, I am going to talk a little about psychics and such. Let me just start out by saying I don’t really believe in all that stuff, but I also don’t NOT believe in it. I think it is interesting and a little fun (although I don’t have the gusto to do any of it myself and it is comforting for me to outwardly pretend as if I think it is complete hogwash).

In Feb, a friend’s mom who might be a little clairvoyant (or crazy, maybe both we haven’t really figured it all out yet) told me that she got a message about a certain date for me. She didn’t know what it meant, but she knew it had something to do with a baby. Well, nothing happened on that day in Feb except that my MIL saw some birds and it made her think about a young girl who was going to have a good time that night, get pregnant and chose adoption (and us). I know- this is a little stereotypical, but not the point of the story. So, for the past few months (38 weeks to be exact) I have been keeping it in the back of my mind that my baby could be born 38 weeks later (that would be November 1st, not that I am keeping track or anything. So, in short, I am a little disappointed because there is no baby. That day meant nothing. Boo.

My mom went to see a psychic the other day. I asked her not to ask about me, and she told me she was going to anyway and since I really wanted to know what he had to say, I agreed. While the psychic told her that he sees Hubbs getting a job ASAP (please pray for the PERFECT job that he is interviewing for next week!), he sees no babies in the near future (specifically in the next 3-4 months). I am ok with that. I don’t need it any time soon, and with our current economic situation, a little longer wait is even a little desirable (even though we wouldn’t‘ turn down a situation). I wish some psychic would just tell me a date that I would for sure have my child. Even if it was 2 years from now, at least I could make the most of that time. So, I know it is silly, but I am going to pursue a new snowboard for my birthday rather than the camera I want to take pictures of my new baby with. After all, it seems as if I will be able to use the snowboard this winter and the camera and baby is much less likely.

29 10 2008

My husband and his entire family have this weird way (ability?) of pushing things away and not dealing with them. In most ways, I think it is bad. But my husband has completely done this with our adoption.
Don’t get me wrong, when we were making decisions, preparing for the homestudy and everything else he was completely involved on every level. It is just now when there is nothing to do and we are just “waiting” that he just isn’t dealing with it. I don’t even think “dealing with it” is the right phrase. He told me the other day that he doesn’t even think about it. He is too busy with work (well, now finding work) and life and our friends and everything else to really think about it. I got really mad and offended. How could he possibly not think about it every day, many times a day like I do? How could it matter so little to him that he doesn’t THINK about it?

But then, I just got jealous. I kinda wish it didn’t take up every spare moment of thought for me. It really is a pretty good thing, because he is happy. And you know what? I really am, too. We aren’t that couple that has a void that only a child can fill. For the most part, we are genuinely happy with our lives and with each other. The difference is, I am a little more controlling and neurotic than he is (and a woman – the child-bearingness starts at my core).


11 10 2008

I love to think about baby names. A month ago I would have told you that the names we had chosen were set in stone. If we have a boy, it is set in stone because that has been one of the greatest compromises in my marriage.

My husband has always wanted to name his son after him. He is a Jr. and wanted to carry on the tradition. To be fair, he did tell me this during the first few months we were dating and asked if it would be a problem. Well, of course not. I was 18 and was yet to be thinking about marriage seriously. I was just interested in the cool guy that lived in the neighboring apartment that played guitar and sand my favorite country songs. Now, however, things have changed.

So, why don’t I want our son to be named after him??? Let me count the ways….

1. It isn’t my favorite name because it is too close to my name.

2. You can’t shorten it. It isn’t like the name William where you can call the guy Will, Willie, Bill, Billy or William. It is just the name and there are no abbreviations or anything available to play with. We give people names so we don’t refer to people as “hey you.” If everyone in our house has the same name, everyone becomes “Hey You.”

I’m not a huge fan of his father and it is EXPECTED that we will name him the III. It makes me angry and like a teenager who is told “no,” I want to rebel. (I was told over and over through our “compromising process” that his father had no impact on the situation. However, once we did reach our compromise, he said, “I think my dad would be ok with that.” Grrrr! Have I mentioned my in-laws are not my favorites?)

I think it is kind of arrogant to and completely unoriginal to name someone after you. Sorry if that offends anyone, just my opinion.

So we have been trying to find common ground on this for about 5 years (way before we were even married). I was fine with it as long as we would call the child by his (their) middle name. But hubby HATES that name (so, again, why are we naming our son that?). So, our ultimate relationship compromise has been to change the middle name to a name we both like, that starts with the same letter, so he can still be a III (even though not technically, but we are naming him and he will have those three roman numerals at the end if we want him to) and that is what we will call him. We are both happy with that. Hubby likes it because he thinks it sounds like a tough football player name with our last name.

The girl’s name, on the other hand, is up in the air. We had something chosen, but for many reasons I am changing my mind. A friend of ours named their child something very similar (and when it is shortened it is exactly the same) and the middle name is his mom’s middle name (and the rebelling teenager kicks in again). So, I am changing my mind – and I get to because of the boy name.

So, I like names that are unique but not too far out. I want my daughter to have a name that is cute, but also a name that she is proud and confident to say as she is shaking someone’s hand in a professional job interview.

How did you guys go about choosing a name? Also, did any of you have any input from the birth family on this?

Doom and Gloom

10 10 2008

Hubby lost his job today. A hurricane is going to hit Mexico the day after we get there and it is going to rain all week (actually it has been downgraded to a tropical storm- but for dramatic effect). The stock market seems to be crashing.

Blah! This sucks. I know I should be positive, but I can’t find any positivity anywhere.

My economic freak-out **UPDATED**

2 10 2008

I wasn’t going to post about this, but I need a little support. It is quite possible (probable) that in the next 10 days my husband is going to lose his job. (thanks, Mr. Economy) Obviously, this is very stressful and is sending me into panic mode. If he loses his job, everything changes. We will have to sell our car, we may have to use some (or all, God forbid) of our adoption money to keep ourselves afloat. Also, we were planning on me being a SAHM after placement – how will this change that idea? What if we got matched like tomorrow? Should we say no? If we were pregnant we wouldn’t have the option to just postpone it until our finances were a little more stable… but our situation is different.

Let me just say that I KNOW we will be ok. My husband is truly talented and awesome, and I have no doubt that he would be able to quickly find another job- but this one he has now is perfect; great income, awesome flexibility, great benefits and lots of perks. I know we won’t become destitute, I know we won’t struggle for very long, but it could drastically change our life plans…which makes me really sad. Right now, I am afraid to buy a gallon of milk – not because we can’t afford it, but because I don’t want that cost of a gallon of milk to cause me to dip into our adoption savings down the road.

I feel dejected and I want to go home and go to sleep (or watch some mind numbing TV).

**UPDATED** So, he had a conference call today and they said they are going to evaluate staffing and have an update to them on Monday, Oct 13th. They are going to eliminate about 90% of their staff – most of which will be sales and originations (him). We are counting on him getting laid off. Oct 13th is my best friend’s wedding where we have non-refundable airline tickets and hotel reservations in Puerto Vallarta. Awesome. The good news with that is it is all already paid for and the hotel is all-inclusive- so it shouldn’t cost us very much (additional) money at this point. The only bad part is that if he is laid off, he will lose out on those 4 days looking for a job while bills are still decreasing our bank account balance. He is looking as we speak, though. The booze is “free” at the hotel, so we will have to drink away our sorrows.