6 03 2009

Definition: patience [pey-shuhns]
the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

I have been thinking about patience. In many ways, I am not a patient person, and in many ways I am. I don’t get terribly irritated when standing in line or being put on hold. But am I patient with this adoption? Yes and No. Mostly no by the definition above. But, if we go by the definition above, patience is literally impossible.

Is it possible to experience annoyance or pain without irritation? Irritation is innate in both annoyance and pain. I don’t think it is possible to be annoyed, yet not irritated or be in pain and not irritated. So patience is impossible. There you have it. Don’t say I’ve never taught you anything.

How about without complaint or loss of temper? Ok, so I can do something about those. But do I lose my temper and complain about it? Outwardly, no. You couldn’t find any people IRL that would say that I have lost my temper during this adoption wait. Is crying complaining? Ok, so I can work on that a little, but after this weekend I feel like it is going to get better.

But what about in blogland? I am definitely not patient in blogland. But in reality, my blog is just an extension of my own thoughts. It isn’t how I act, it is how I feel. So I act patient, for the most part, but I don’t feel patient. But again, how can one feel patient? When you want something down to the very core of you, when you want something so bad you don’t go a moment without thinking about it, how can it not be irritating that you are waiting for it? Is that even humanly possible?

I have been thinking about how I express myself in blogland and how that contrasts with how I act, and how I feel on a daily basis.

I started this blog as a way to journal my adoption experience, to learn from others, and hopefully to allow others to learn from my experience (what I didn’t expect is a great deal of support and wonderful friendships). The process of waiting in adoption is often compared to a rollercoaster ride. I couldn’t agree more, but in reality, while waiting for adoption there aren’t very many upward swings (until you get matched, that is). I am not saying there are only downs, but there are a lot of “plateaus,” some “valleys” and not too many “peaks.”

I think about adoption every day, every hour. It is always on the back of my mind, and often on the front. I live most of the time on a “plateau.” Things are going along just fine. I am waiting, rather patiently. I don’t need it to happen right this moment or this exact day. I trust God and I enjoy my life. Most of the time, I am patient.

Sometimes, I am not. Sometimes I experience those “valleys” and I wallow a little in my own self pity and I cry and I hurt. Often times those “valleys” are due to another’s pregnancy. Not because I am jealous or I want to be pregnant or I hate pregnant woman or I think others don’t deserve to pregnant or really anything to do with that person being pregnant or those particular babies. It is because someone else’s pregnancy reminds me that I am waiting and waiting is hard. Those aren’t my proudest moments, but they are there. I don’t like that I feel that way, but I do and I know in my heart it is normal and ok to feel that way. Those “valleys” are a part of my journey, but they don’t define me. They don’t even define the majority of my emotions and experience during this adoption ride.

But those feelings, those “valleys”, are the times when I blog (because lets face it, there is nothing to write about when I am patiently waiting). I blog about it because I know that there are people out there that have been where I am, and others that are currently where I am. I blog about it because it is a great way for me to get my feelings out on the table, sort them out and deal with them.

Infertility taught me that you have no idea how someone else feels unless you have been there. However, blogging has taught me that you have no idea how someone else feels unless you have been THEM, becuase everyone experiences things differently and handles things differently. Nobody has the right to tell you that is right or wrong. Nobody should be able to tell someone how to feel or how not to feel.

I know that those of you that really matter already know this, but I don’t walk around wallowing in my own self pity day after day. Most days, I feel blessed to be walking this path. I feel this is where I am supposed to be and I love to look back and see how I have grown throughout this journey. Yes, there are days that are hard. Excruciatingly, and sometimes debilitating hard. But the truth is, the best things in life are hard and often times painful. Despite the pain, hurt, hardships and waiting I am choosing and willing to go through it all. It makes it easier to be able to blog about it and have the support of so many awesome moms and moms-to-be!



4 02 2009

I cried blubbering tears at work today because of a song on the radio. I have heard the song lots, but not in awhile. It is one of very few songs in mainstream music that touches on infertility- which I think is cool. The part that made me cry is highlighted (but it is pretty obvious!).

A few Questions
Clay Walker

How in this world can we put a man on the moon,
And still have a need for a place like St Jude’s?
And why is one man born,
In a place where all they know is war?
An’ a guy like me,Has always been free.

An’ how can two people who built a lovin’ home,
Try for years an’ never have a child of their own?
When somewhere out there tonight,
There’s a baby no-one’s holdin’ tight:
In need of love.
To me, that don’t add up.

But I wasn’t there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn’t get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don’t mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don’t understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

An’ why did my cousin have to die in that crash?
A good kid, only seventeen,
I still wonder ’bout that.
It seems unfair to me,
Some get the chance to chase their dreams,
An’ some don’t.
But what do I know?

I wasn’t there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn’t get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don’t mean to second guess you,
Or criticise what I don’t understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

Why do I feel like you hear these prayers of mine.
When so many oughta be ahead of me in line?
When you look down on me,
Can you see the good through all the bad?
These just a few questions I have.

Beautiful Updates

26 01 2009

Wow. I have so much to write about. I don’t even know where to start. A few main points:

I am VERY proud of myself- not for the way that I acted, but for the way that I feel.
My in-laws are completely NUTS!

First- the important stuff- The BABIES! So cute and tiny!! They were 4.5 lbs and 18” and 4.75 lbs and 17.25”. They are both doing very well, but at of yet haven’t been able to be held by anyone yet. They are in the NICU and are breathing on their own and sucking and swallowing and maintaining their own temperatures. Their only issue is that their lungs are a little underdeveloped. Baby Girl M has a tube in her nose (that is very sad so see) that is helping to keep her lungs fully inflated. Baby Boy L is doing great and will hopefully be held and breastfed by day’s end. I wish I could post pics, but I would want to get permission and then they would KNOW!!!

I ended up going the hospital when she was fully dialated and waited it out in the waiting room. It was HORRIBLE! I wasn’t upset about being at the hospital or anything. It had NOTHING to do with my feelings, but the whole family drove me nuts! They were ALL going in and out of the room while she was pushing and they even brought Pizza into the room. My SIL’s father and sister kept going back and forth after they were asked to leave. I was shocked and irritated to no end- but only for the mom-to-be, not for myself. There were only a few awkward moments in regards to me, but with my in-laws, that is to be expected. So, the moral of the story is that this is why God “blessed” me with infertility. Because if I were to give birth, I would end up murdering all of my in-laws and spending eternity behind bars. Yes, it was THAT bad. No respect!

We didn’t get to see the babies last night because it was sooo late by the time they were ready to be seen and Hubbs still wasn’t feeling well at all. So we went home and I couldn’t sleep. I just kept thinking about those babies!!

This morning I went back to the hospital and went to the NICU to see them. I burst into tears with my BIL when I saw them! I just instantly fell in love with those little tiny things! It made me really sad to see them there in the hospital incubator all by themselves and wanted SOMEONE to hold them so bad. It was so strange because the second I saw those babies, all the resentment and bitterness just went away. Suddenly, I wanted to have a better relationship with my BIL and SIL, and even more importantly, I really wanted to have an awesome relationship with those little babies. There was only a twinge of my own pain present while at the hospital and any tears shed were of happiness and awe at the creation of life before me. It was awesome.

It brings me hope for my relationship with my sister. She emailed me today. I emailed her back. I hope we can talk via email for awhile until my pain subsides a little more. We will see how it goes.

P.S. My therapy session was the best yet and I learned a lot about myself and I also had a GREAT time with my friends at dinner!


16 01 2009

I was talking to my mom yesterday about a friend of hers that has struggled with infertility. He and his wife have been married 8 years and have been trying to children that whole time. In the past year, they have quit trying and resolved to not have children. They are not happy with the outcome, both want children more than anything, but they have decided that since they are on the older end (both in their early 40s) and their financial situation isn’t the best, that it isn’t fair to anyone for them to continue trying. As he was telling my mom, he cried.

I don’t know why this story is affecting me so much (I literally started crying when my mom was telling me). I literally cannot imagine having to decide that I would never have children. I can’t imagine living through every pregnancy around me without knowing that there is a light at the end of my tunnel. I can’t imagine living through every Mother’s Day without knowing that someday I will get a ceramic handprint from my little one. I guess I have been a little down lately about my own situation and my own frustration lately and it makes me feel guilty about how fortunate I am.

For one, I am very young. I just turned 27 and we are fully invested in this process. I could be (and hope to be) a mom when I am 27. Part of the reason we are so young is because I cracked the whip on having kids- we tried for babies for exactly one year before getting tested and because of Hubbs’ issues, we were thrown headfirst into treatments (strait to IVF).

Secondly, we are financially very fortunate. This past year has been very rough on us in that respect, but considering where our economy stands and the fact that we have all our money saved for the adoption- we are SO FORTUNATE!!
Sometimes I get down on this whole process, on the very fact that I am even going through it. While it is rough in its own right, I am so thankful for the opportunity to be here. I am so thankful that even though my body has failed to bring me children, that I will have the opportunity to be a mom and have a family….someday!

A rant followed by an update

22 12 2008

Uggghhhh!! Things just suck.

First of all, I just want to say that I hate advice. I hate it. I don’t think I am ever going to give advice again because it is next to never helpful. ESPECIALLY when it comes from someone with no frame of reference!! If you have never experienced infertility, you have NO idea what I am going through. Absolutely NONE! If you have, then you may be able to relate, but I also believe that everyone experiences things differently.

I know women who have quit their jobs and spend three months lying in a dark room doing nothing. I know people that were on the road to adopt before they had had any IF treatments and were very happy to be there. I know plenty of people that have handed their IF much “better” than me and others who have handled it much “worse.” It doesn’t mean that some people want it more or that some people are weaker. It just means that people are different and people deal with life differently.

For me, getting through and accepting my own infertility wasn’t that big of a deal. It sucked and the treatments made me crazy for a bit, but emotionally I didn’t have too much trouble dealing with the fact that I would never bear children. Living childless is something entirely different. I can’t handle it, and I don’t see an end in sight and the salt in my wound is that literally everyone around me is pregnant.

I am dealing with this the only way I know how. Truthfully, I think I am doing a very good job of it. I have been open and honest with everyone involved with how I feel. I am not hiding and I am trying to heal. I am not going to feel guilty for feeling this way, but I am also not going to spend my life sulking in a corner. I am not going to push myself, I am not going to put myself into situations that I cannot handle. I am responsible for my own well being, so I get to decide. In short, don’t judge me!!

ANYWAY……..enough of the rant.

I went to see a therapist of Friday. It was ok. Nothing really good or bad. Actually, we talked most about my in-laws, which was funny to me. I’m going back in a couple of weeks. I don’t think I will go for an extended period of time, though.

I talked to my sister on Saturday. It went pretty well. I have a good grasp on how things are going to be from here on out. It wasn’t weird. I guess I kind of expected that she would be a different person now that she’s pregnant. She isn’t, but I kind of wish she were. I can’t imagine that irresponsible person having a child. I guess those things don’t happen over night. She was at a loss because she didn’t know what she could do or not do to make things easier for me. I thought that was nice. I told her that I just need her to not forget to be sensitive to me. We both recognize that this isn’t fair and that it is difficult for me and I told her that I need her to remember that throughout her pregnancy. She said ok, but then the conversation that followed clearly illustrated that she wasn’t going to be able to do that. I guess it is fine. I just realized that really I am just going to have to suck it up and pretend to be ok with it. I am well versed in that game.

I talked to my grandmother on Friday. I wanted to wring her neck after talking to her. My g-ma got pregnant at 15 and then again at 17. She basically told me that I needed to talk to my sister because she knows how it feels to be so alone and that it is a pain that is unimaginable. I laughed at her. All I could say was that I understand that kind of pain, but the reality is she is going through this pain because of choices that she made and I would be there for her when I could be and nobody can ask any more from me. THEN she started talking about her Pro-choice beliefs (which are really pro-abortion) and started talking about the “A” word. She was literally telling me that she thinks she should get an abortion. I was floored! I mean, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but know your audience. You are talking to someone that has been trying to have a baby for four years and is waiting to adopt!!!! My goodness! I simply stated that I don’t agree and that it would deeply hurt my relationship with my sister if she took that route. If she doesn’t want that baby, I do and I know about 20 other couples that also do. [For the record, I am pro-life but I don’t think abortions should be illegal. I think there are exceptions to every rule and if as a society it is illegal, people will still find a way.] Anyway, I am thankful that abortion wasn’t legal in the 50s because my mother wouldn’t be here today (and thus me).

It just goes to show that people don’t get it!

Bloggy wellness at work

19 12 2008

First of all, I truly cannot thank you all enough for all of your support. You all have made me feel very validated and much less crazy than I was feeling yesterday. I cannot quantify how much you guys reaching out and showing your support and understanding means.

Today I feel a lot better. Yesterday, however, was probably one of the worst days of my life. I think I cried for about 4 hours at work (quietly hiding behind my poor excuse for a cubicle….I wonder how many people heard me?) and then I called my mom on my way home and had what I can only describe as a panic attack. I have never been that out of control and cried that hard. I was all shaky and my fingers and toes were tingly like they were asleep. It was very strange and my mom was completely flipped out on the other end of the phone. (BTW- I did manage to pull over to the side of the road without wrecking my car)

It sounds very dramatic, and actually it was. I know I don’t need to explain to you guys how it is, because I think you understand (but I am going to anyway). When you say it, “I have been trying to have a baby for 4 years and my little sister who doesn’t have a pot to piss in just got pregnant on a one night stand,” most people understand how that would be hard. But they don’t get spending the next few days curled up on the bathroom floor in the fetal position and having panic attacks on the freeway. They just don’t. And really, how could they? But, the hardest part is, I feel like my relationship with my sister is in jeopardy. I feel like I am loosing my sister. I can’t just pretend that it isn’t killing me, because she knows. It is hard because we need to get together and talk, but it isn’t going to fix anything. She is pregnant, it hurts me like no other and she knows it, and there is nothing either of us can do about it. So, where do you go from there? How do you continue to be so close with that hanging over you?

So, anyway, after my freeway panic attack and a two hour conversation with my mother (have I mentioned she is the BEST?) we decided 1) I should probably talk to someone (ewww!!!) and 2) it is probably too soon to spend a weekend with my sister. And then this morning I called and got a recommendation to a counselor with a background in infertility grief and left a message, and then called my dad and cancelled our Christmas celebration this weekend (since we are going to be in Utah for actual Christmas). [I emailed my sister to let her know what my plan was and that I loved her.]

So, has anyone else talked to a grief counselor to deal with your infertility? It is kind of weird because it isn’t so much my infertility that is hard to handle, but my sister’s fertility. I feel a little weird about going since I haven’t felt the need until now, but I guess I have been hit pretty hard in 2008.

Tonight, hubbs and our BFFs are taking me out to a simple dinner to celebrate my birthday. Also, he sent me flowers to work. Sooo sweet! The only thing is that I had almost gotten through the day without anyone knowing it was my bday and he messed it all up.

Thanks again to all of you for your support. It means the world and helps me at least FEEL like my feet are on the ground a bit.

Yep, still feeling sorry for myself

18 12 2008

I am beat down. I am sick of crying. I am sick of wallowing in my own self pity. But still I wallow.

Does this make sense to anyone else why this is so hard? Sometimes I feel like I am out of my mind!!

I have to see her and my whole family tomorrow. I can’t imagine how it is going to go. What am I going to say? What am I going to do? What are we going to talk about – because I don’t want to talk about IT!! Do I have a right to just NOT talk about it? Is that just punishing her for my own infertility? It is going to be so weird and uncomfortable.

I wanted to quit Christmas this year. I want to go to disneyland with hubbs instead. He won’t let me. He said, “we just have to stay here and suffer.” Then he laughed. It would be funny if it wasn’t true.

Baby’s daddy tried to call me yesterday. I didn’t answer. He texted me and asked if he could talk to me when he is back in town for new years. I said no. Then he said, “you know I am going to care of her.” It made me feel bad because that wasn’t really a concern of mine. I don’t know if I just assumed he would or if my brain hasn’t gotten past myself yet. It makes me really mad, though. He has severely hurt the relationship that i have with my sister (ok, it isn’t entirely him, but you know what I mean) and he doesn’t even get it. I don’t expect him to.

The one thing that rings true in all of this is that I haven’t had a choice in any of these matters. I know that she is going through something crazy, but that is because of choices that she made. I have had no say. I never do.

I know this is really dramatic to say, but I don’t know if I have ever hurt this bad. It isn’t like it the relatively normal situation where my infertility wound’s scap gets ripped off. Yeah, the scab was ripped off, then salt was poured in and then some lemon juice and then a little vodka (I think all those things hurt wounds.) The worst part is, it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier(I know it has only been 4 days!). I keep having panick attacts thinking about this or that in the process. I don’t think I have gone more than a few hours without crying since Monday. My relationship with my sister is never going to be the same. That is the worst part for me. I know that is a really drastic thing to say. Gone are the days that I can talk to her about how painful this journey is and how so-and-so’s pregnancy made me sad or whatever. I know that we will be fine in the long run, it will just be different and I want it back the way that it was. I keep thinking that it is just going to go away. Not the pain, the situation. This sucks.

I know that eventually everyone else is going to tell me to get over it. My dad actually already did- so I yelled at him a bit. I hope I am over it soon. I cry every time I think about having to watch her belly swell up and start decorating a nursery and planning a baby shower. It just isn’t fair. NO FAIR! (*stamping my feet again*)

Hey, God, I think I am missing the message here!! What am I supposed to be learning that I haven’t already learned? What am I not doing that I should be doing? I really don’t get it.

How self centered to think that God allowed my sister to get pregnant to teach ME a lesson!! But at the same time, he could have waited until I was placed. Where is my baby?

By the way, today is my birthday. I’m 27 today (with a 20 year-old knocked up sister in case you weren’t paying attention).

****For the record, I know I sound dramatic and a little desperate. I am a little. What can you do, though!?!?!