9 07 2009

The other day I had an unexpected conversation about adoption. It caught me off guard and afterward I cried. I didn’t like where the conversation came from and I didn’t really like the way I handled it.

At my SIL’s house after work last week, my two nieces had their friend over. When I arrived, little H (their friend) was telling my BIL about how her “parents don’t have a very good relationship. They don’t communicate well, so when dad made mom mad, mom gave away his lawn mower.” This girl is very exposed to real world stuff and has no problem asking questions in a very adult manner.

“Are you going to tell R that she is adopted?” is how it all started.

What I thought, “No, I am going to tell the little neighbor girl, but not R.”

What I said, “Of course. We already do tell her.”

What I wish I had said, “Of course! We are very proud of having adopted her. The day we adopted her was one of the best days of our lives. We have already started telling R how she came into our family, how she is our wish come true, and how truly special she is to us. We tell her about how much her birth parents love her and wanted the very best for her.”

I wish I was quicker at thinking when it comes to adoption questions.

My response brought on a slew of questions that insinuated that adoption was kind of a dirty word. It hurt my heart and I stumbled over my words trying to teach them otherwise. I don’t feel like I did a very good job.

So, the neighbor girl aside, I feel like I need to re-tackle this issue with my nieces. In my heart I know that they look at R the same way they do the twins. I don’t think they think of her as anything less than their cousin. But when it comes to talking about adoption, I think they have some negative stereotypes in their heads. Part of me is also concerned about where they are learning these stereotypes. It does come to mind that their mother has shown little or no interest in the adoption process…

I need some recommendations here, my blogland friends. How do I tackle this with them? Or do I at all?


My Weekend

24 03 2009

So, Saturday we had some of the guys coming over to get the boat summer ready. My SIL said she wanted to bring the twins over (two in the middle), at the same time as a friend of mine asked if I could babysit for her (the one on the left). So, I called baby on the right’s mom to bring him over, too. It was great fun! At one point, they all cried at the same time. We couldn’t stop laughing!! Poor babies!! It is funny to think that these are all the products of the trio of pregnancies that were so hard for me to deal with. I love all these kids, and it is strange how all of those feelings I had with the pregnancies all just melt away when those giant bellies turn into actual babies.

Some things of note:

~I was babysitting my friends’ baby when my SIL arrived and I realized I would have rather been snuggling with my niece of nephew… It made me feel very badly for feeling that way, but it also made me feel very connected to my niece and nephew. It feels awesome that we will have that bond…strictly becuase we are related (and not by blood!!).

~Captain did fantastic with all the babies! Baby on the right’s mom put him on the floor first thing and let captain lick all over him. Baby even giggled a little! It was so cute! I think letting him lick and explore the baby reduced his curiosity, becuase after that, all the babies hung out on the floor, and other than a toe lick or two, he just watched them. At one point, he even started doing his cuddly, rolly thing he does when he gets a new toy he loves, or after I rub behing his ears. I always call it his love roll and he was doing it next to all the babies. He loves them! It made me so happy and I was so proud of him. I think he will have very little trouble adjusting when our little one comes. The only thing was that he seems to be in love with the soothies! He stole them five times, and we had two soothie casualties. I think he was just waiting for them to drop them out of their mouths to attack!


My mom came into town Saturday night. She is moving my sister back home with her this week, but she came early to paint the nursery mural. It is finished and I feel a little dissapointed. It is exactly how I imagined it, but I feel a little let down. I don’t really know why, though. Part of me wants to paint all the walls white and start from scratch with something a little more modern and less cutesy. (don’t worry, I won’t do this!)

Anyway, here is the finished product.

13 + 15 = 28

15 02 2009

Twenty-eight moms have been made in 10 months.

I started my blog over a year ago, but I didn’t really start REALLY blogging until May of last year. That is when I discovered the wonderful community that has enriched my life in a way I never imagined.

One of my fellow waiters had a comment on her blog that she hopes she doesn’t get “left behind” the adoption world like she got left behind in the infertility world.

I don’t know if I am a glutton for punishment or what…but I decided to count. Here are the results.

IRL there have been 13 pregnancy announcements since last May. Thirteen!! (actually, only 11, but since two of those were twins, I am counting them twice because they were twice as hard.)

In blogland there have been 15 matches/placements/pregnancies. (No twins here)

That is 28 new moms. That is a LOT for a girl to handle. But it is also pretty amazing. Twenty eight new lives brought into the world, twenty eight new families and about half of those through the miracle of adoption. That is some cool stuff and I can’t be TOO sad about that, now can I?

So, it is a little depressing because I am currently in the process of being left behind. When I started, I wasn’t an avid reader of more than one or two parenting blogs. Now, I am a reader of over a dozen. I’m not whining or complaining; just stating the facts. In some ways it is really cool. In some ways you parents have helped pave the way to my emotionally secure adoption mentality. In some ways you all have had experiences that I have been able to learn from (both what to do and what not to do). I wouldn’t trade those for anything in the world. Besides, you guys just need to get out of the way so it can be my turn!

I know my time is coming. I know it is in Gods hands. I know He has a plan. I know it will all be worth it in the end. Just so you know. I know all that. I just wish waiting were a little easier.

How much longer do I have to wait? Where is my baby?!?!

Two counts of sad news

12 02 2009

Ugghhh!! After yesterday’s good news post, I had a TERRIBLE day. It was just awful and I spent most of the day just crying!

A friend of mine’s five-year-old son passed away yesterday morning. It is always sad when you hear of stories like this. The sadness always touches my heart a little when I hear of a person’s life ending extremely early. But I have never known the child before. I have never known the mother and the father before and it hurts! I hurt so badly for them. Their son has always had medical problems and his death wasn’t a shock, but I cannot imagine their grief (and we have been a little disconnected with them for the past year because they recently moved across country- so I WAS shocked!). Hubbs called me to tell me and we both cried together on the phone. Hubbs isn’t a crier at all and I can’t remember a time when we cried together.

It is funny what loss does to you. Don’t get me wrong, I am not comparing my lack of children to losing a child. But I do know that what I am going through HURTS and I can only imagine the magnitude in which that hurt multiplies when you actually lose someone you know and love. I don’t know what it is like at all, but I know that it has to be debilitating. Sometimes I feel like I hurt so bad that nothing could hurt any more than this. Days like yesterday I KNOW I am wrong and it puts things into perspective a little for me.


Also yesterday we got bad news within our family. Three years ago my uncle had brain surgery to remove a tumor. It was really bad and I don’t know any of the medical jargon to explain it. We were told then that they got most of it, which should prolong his life, but that it would ultimately be terminal.

He went for a test on Tuesday and yesterday we got the results that the tumor has grown. A lot. We know that is very bad, but nobody can nail anything down more specific than that. Everybody is a mess!

Please say prayers for my family and the L family to find peace and strength during this time!!

Confession and temporary pics

27 01 2009

Ok, so last night I had a little mini breakdown. It was different though. I was overwhelmed by the intense urge that I had to pick up Baby Boy L and cuddle with him the moment I saw him. I was overwhelmed by the love that I felt for these little babies instantly. (Very different from when I held my friends’ baby) So I cried. But it wasn’t the bitter, hurt, jealous, angry cry that I have been crying so often. It was just a LONGING cry. It was the first time in a long time that I was crying because I want a baby so badly instead of because I don’t have one. Does that even make sense? Small distinction, but the feeling was amazingly different and it didn’t make me feel selfish and ugly.

I told Hubbs that it made me feel a little creepy that I want peoples babies. Seriously, a little part of me wants to take these babies home. He said it is good that I feel that way because it shows that I will be able to bond to our child seamlessly. He said that in a way, I will have to do that very thing, but of course at that moment it will become our baby.

In other news, last night both babies got to be held and I cried when I got the picture messages on my cell phone. I feel myself catching Hubbs’ cold, so I am banishing myself from the hospital with promises of phone call updates and photos daily. My BIL already promised me the spot of favorite aunt so I have some work cut out for me!

Here are a few pics as suggested by Debbie. These will be taken down tomorrow or Thursday. SOOOO CUTE, huh?!?! Don’t let the tubes on Baby Girl M startle you- she is doing VERY well and she should get it taken off hopefully tomorrow!

Baby Girl M

Baby Boy L

Beautiful Updates

26 01 2009

Wow. I have so much to write about. I don’t even know where to start. A few main points:

I am VERY proud of myself- not for the way that I acted, but for the way that I feel.
My in-laws are completely NUTS!

First- the important stuff- The BABIES! So cute and tiny!! They were 4.5 lbs and 18” and 4.75 lbs and 17.25”. They are both doing very well, but at of yet haven’t been able to be held by anyone yet. They are in the NICU and are breathing on their own and sucking and swallowing and maintaining their own temperatures. Their only issue is that their lungs are a little underdeveloped. Baby Girl M has a tube in her nose (that is very sad so see) that is helping to keep her lungs fully inflated. Baby Boy L is doing great and will hopefully be held and breastfed by day’s end. I wish I could post pics, but I would want to get permission and then they would KNOW!!!

I ended up going the hospital when she was fully dialated and waited it out in the waiting room. It was HORRIBLE! I wasn’t upset about being at the hospital or anything. It had NOTHING to do with my feelings, but the whole family drove me nuts! They were ALL going in and out of the room while she was pushing and they even brought Pizza into the room. My SIL’s father and sister kept going back and forth after they were asked to leave. I was shocked and irritated to no end- but only for the mom-to-be, not for myself. There were only a few awkward moments in regards to me, but with my in-laws, that is to be expected. So, the moral of the story is that this is why God “blessed” me with infertility. Because if I were to give birth, I would end up murdering all of my in-laws and spending eternity behind bars. Yes, it was THAT bad. No respect!

We didn’t get to see the babies last night because it was sooo late by the time they were ready to be seen and Hubbs still wasn’t feeling well at all. So we went home and I couldn’t sleep. I just kept thinking about those babies!!

This morning I went back to the hospital and went to the NICU to see them. I burst into tears with my BIL when I saw them! I just instantly fell in love with those little tiny things! It made me really sad to see them there in the hospital incubator all by themselves and wanted SOMEONE to hold them so bad. It was so strange because the second I saw those babies, all the resentment and bitterness just went away. Suddenly, I wanted to have a better relationship with my BIL and SIL, and even more importantly, I really wanted to have an awesome relationship with those little babies. There was only a twinge of my own pain present while at the hospital and any tears shed were of happiness and awe at the creation of life before me. It was awesome.

It brings me hope for my relationship with my sister. She emailed me today. I emailed her back. I hope we can talk via email for awhile until my pain subsides a little more. We will see how it goes.

P.S. My therapy session was the best yet and I learned a lot about myself and I also had a GREAT time with my friends at dinner!

25 01 2009

The twins are coming today. The ones my SIL is having, not little sister (seriously, who has to clarify that type of thing???) Apparently I am expected to go to the hospital now (water just broke 1/2 hour ago) and wait for them to be born. Why? That sounds like a whole lotta hell for me right now (and really anyone). I don’t want to go. I’m fine with going once they are born like a normal person (well, fine in a relative sense) but I don’t know why I have to spend my whole day in the waiting room. I don’t really know if I have the energy to argue.