25 03 2009

I was reading a blog post about how painful it is to learn of someone’s pregnancy and have to watch/listen to our friends and family experience what we will never be able to. It made me think of how far I have come.

The past year there have been so many pregnancy announcements. It has been really rough dealing with it, but I feel like for the most part, it is getting easier. I think most of it has been due to my little sister’s pregnancy. Lets face it, my little sister who hasn’t a penny to her name getting pregnant from a one-night-stand with twins is about as hard as it gets. I reached the peak of the uphill battle, and I think from here on out it will be more of a downward slope. It seems to be getting easier.

Today, I talked her off the ledge, so to speak. She was expeicing some pretty signficant spotting and was freaking out and couldn’t find my mom. She called me beacuse she thought she might be with me (my mom is still in town, just with my grandma and aunt while I work). She tried not to tell me about what was happening, but I could tell she was upset. I talked to her for about an hour while she drove to the doctor and waited to get in. It is funny that although I have never pregnant, I know more than most about pregnancy. I was certain from her symptoms that everything was fine, and of course I was right. It made me feel good to be able to calm her down and I didn’t have any saddness at all.

She also found out the sex – two baby girls. She was CERTAIN that there were two boys cookin in there and at very least one of each. She even commented that there was no way it was two girls and that would be her least favorable outcome. I guess I haven’t come that far, because the fact that she was wrong made me smile a little. I guess some of the spite never goes away! Hehe. So, two little girls! How very exciting. The doc even thinks they are identical even though they are in two different sacs. I guess one placenta??? I don’t know that much about that whole thing. It is cool because I know 3 girls and 3 boys that are/will be born in my family/close cirlce of friends in 2009. Whevenever my child decides to find me, he/she will have playmates in both genders.


I have also been thinking about the insensitive comments that people make. I feel like I have become too sensitive. The fact that SO many people say SO many insensitive things makes me wonder how often I spout off insensitively and don’t even realize it. I am going to try to be a little more understanding of those- take a more educational approach than a defensive approach.

Here is what happened today: A coworker (that I talked about here) is finding out tomorrow the sex of their baby. I mentioned my sister is having two girls.

Him: “are you going to buy one?” (I just shook my head and looked down)

Another co-worker: “thats terrible to say.”

Him: “I told you I’d sell you mine for $50k.”

That was it. I had to say something.

Me: “That is very, very offensive to me and I would appreciate it if you would not say things like that to me.”

Him: “I’m sorry.” (looking me square in the eye)

It was a little awkward becuase multiple co-workers were there listening, but I felt the need to elaborate

Me: “I know you don’t mean anything by it, but your comment insinuates that I am in the market to purchase a child, and since I am not by anymeans buying a baby, it is offensive to me.”

Him: “I’m very sorry.”

Ok then.

I felt a little uncomfortable and didn’t want there to be uneasiness, so I sent him an email;

Me: I know you didn’t mean anything by your comment, but I wanted you to know how I felt about it. Sorry I made it awkward.

Him: I do apologize for it. It was totally my fault; I should be more sensitive to your situation. No awkwardness now.

Me: Consider it squashed.

Him: Works for me…..

I was very very proud of myself for the way I handled it. I didn’t get mad, like I have done in the past, and I didn’t just let it go, like I have done in the past. I think most people don’t know they are making an insensitive comment…..they have never walked in our shoes and sometimes you don’t know something is offensive unless someone tells you. I was also really suprised at how he handled it. He is what many would describe as cocky and assertive, but the second I said something, he was nothing but appologetic. I think it is tough to not get defensive or make excuses when someone calls you out.

Anyway, I guess the point of random, scattered post is that this process continues to change me . In all directions, all the time…


6 03 2009

Definition: patience [pey-shuhns]
the quality of being patient, as the bearing of provocation, annoyance, misfortune, or pain, without complaint, loss of temper, irritation, or the like.

I have been thinking about patience. In many ways, I am not a patient person, and in many ways I am. I don’t get terribly irritated when standing in line or being put on hold. But am I patient with this adoption? Yes and No. Mostly no by the definition above. But, if we go by the definition above, patience is literally impossible.

Is it possible to experience annoyance or pain without irritation? Irritation is innate in both annoyance and pain. I don’t think it is possible to be annoyed, yet not irritated or be in pain and not irritated. So patience is impossible. There you have it. Don’t say I’ve never taught you anything.

How about without complaint or loss of temper? Ok, so I can do something about those. But do I lose my temper and complain about it? Outwardly, no. You couldn’t find any people IRL that would say that I have lost my temper during this adoption wait. Is crying complaining? Ok, so I can work on that a little, but after this weekend I feel like it is going to get better.

But what about in blogland? I am definitely not patient in blogland. But in reality, my blog is just an extension of my own thoughts. It isn’t how I act, it is how I feel. So I act patient, for the most part, but I don’t feel patient. But again, how can one feel patient? When you want something down to the very core of you, when you want something so bad you don’t go a moment without thinking about it, how can it not be irritating that you are waiting for it? Is that even humanly possible?

I have been thinking about how I express myself in blogland and how that contrasts with how I act, and how I feel on a daily basis.

I started this blog as a way to journal my adoption experience, to learn from others, and hopefully to allow others to learn from my experience (what I didn’t expect is a great deal of support and wonderful friendships). The process of waiting in adoption is often compared to a rollercoaster ride. I couldn’t agree more, but in reality, while waiting for adoption there aren’t very many upward swings (until you get matched, that is). I am not saying there are only downs, but there are a lot of “plateaus,” some “valleys” and not too many “peaks.”

I think about adoption every day, every hour. It is always on the back of my mind, and often on the front. I live most of the time on a “plateau.” Things are going along just fine. I am waiting, rather patiently. I don’t need it to happen right this moment or this exact day. I trust God and I enjoy my life. Most of the time, I am patient.

Sometimes, I am not. Sometimes I experience those “valleys” and I wallow a little in my own self pity and I cry and I hurt. Often times those “valleys” are due to another’s pregnancy. Not because I am jealous or I want to be pregnant or I hate pregnant woman or I think others don’t deserve to pregnant or really anything to do with that person being pregnant or those particular babies. It is because someone else’s pregnancy reminds me that I am waiting and waiting is hard. Those aren’t my proudest moments, but they are there. I don’t like that I feel that way, but I do and I know in my heart it is normal and ok to feel that way. Those “valleys” are a part of my journey, but they don’t define me. They don’t even define the majority of my emotions and experience during this adoption ride.

But those feelings, those “valleys”, are the times when I blog (because lets face it, there is nothing to write about when I am patiently waiting). I blog about it because I know that there are people out there that have been where I am, and others that are currently where I am. I blog about it because it is a great way for me to get my feelings out on the table, sort them out and deal with them.

Infertility taught me that you have no idea how someone else feels unless you have been there. However, blogging has taught me that you have no idea how someone else feels unless you have been THEM, becuase everyone experiences things differently and handles things differently. Nobody has the right to tell you that is right or wrong. Nobody should be able to tell someone how to feel or how not to feel.

I know that those of you that really matter already know this, but I don’t walk around wallowing in my own self pity day after day. Most days, I feel blessed to be walking this path. I feel this is where I am supposed to be and I love to look back and see how I have grown throughout this journey. Yes, there are days that are hard. Excruciatingly, and sometimes debilitating hard. But the truth is, the best things in life are hard and often times painful. Despite the pain, hurt, hardships and waiting I am choosing and willing to go through it all. It makes it easier to be able to blog about it and have the support of so many awesome moms and moms-to-be!

Terrible, horrible, no good, very bad weekend

2 03 2009

What a weekend. It was my worst nightmare. It was terrible and I felt awful the entire time and I don’t know if I will ever fully recover from it. Ok. Enough of the melodrama. But seriously, it was pretty rough and I am glad that I will never have to do it again. I’m going to tell you about every terrible moment and you will probably think I am a bit crazy, but whatever. It will be therapeutic for me.

So, Friday when I get up there I am stressed beyond belief. Since the incident, I hate driving and my dog wouldn’t stay off my lap and it was immensely distracting on my 3 hour drive.

First incident: The hotel room. When I walked into the hotel room I am greeted by my mom and baby sister (henceforth referred to as BS). Little pregnant sister (henceforth referred to as LS) was asleep on the bed with her new little baby bump showing. It was like those commercials when the horror film music plays and the horrifying thing in question gets progressively magnified. It was at that moment that I realized that I had not yet even accepted that LS was pregnant and that it was going to be a rough ride. I swallowed all of it, of course, and took note of her ginormous breasts and the military dog tags around her neck (babies’ daddy’s).

Second incident: Her apartment. First of all, let me just say YUCK! The fact that human beings actually reside in that shit hole is horrifying to me. I am not the cleanest person in the world, but this place was out of control disgusting! From cat litter covering the kitchen floor, dog and cat hair everywhere, mysterious dried blood covering one of the bathroom sinks, dog feces literally layering the backyard….. I could go on an on. But to sum it up; completely uninhabitable and definitely not healthy. If she is going to have twins, she really needs to start practicing not being disgusting. The ultrasound pictures that hung on the refrigerator caused another “horror film music with gradual magnification” episode. I tried to look at them as if I was interested. I knew that pretty soon I was actually going to have to talk about the fact that she is pregnant. I was dreading it.

I did ok with that. Back at the hotel we talked a little about different products and video and what her plans are, etc. Here is a condensed version of things…

– Babies’ daddy is sending her $800 per month
– She is moving in with mom in May
– She is not going to have a job while she lives with mom, just going to school (student loans and babies’ daddy to pay for all baby expenses)
– She is selling her car and planning to just use my mom’s while living with her (can you say complete lack of independence?) She also said that babies’ daddy is going to buy her a car next year.
– She and babies’ daddy say, “I love you,” which is weird because they have only seen each other three times. (I suppose I should start referring to him as her boyfriend. It just seems very forced and fake to me, but I guess it isn’t my place to judge)
– Mom looked on computer for baby items, pediatricians and OBGYNs for hours, LS showed little to no interest whatsoever.
– My mom said that in 2009 our family is going to have 4 babies added to it. It made me want to SCREAM! Year number 5 in row where people have been saying that. I feel like it won’t really happen unless people stop saying that it will with such conviction.

Incident three: Nighttime. So, we were staying at hotel that didn’t allow for pets. My dog decided to take the opportunity to take up barking, which he never usually does. I couldn’t sleep because every time he would hear a noise, he would bark and I would have to clamp his little mouth shut and soothe him back to sleep. Also, I took the opportunity to mentally torture myself with the whole situation and cry my eyes out all night long. I think I literally got 3 hours of sleep during the 9 hours everyone else slept.

Incident Four: More family. My aunt and grandma came up Saturday morning. They brought the largest bag of baby clothes anyone has ever seen for LS. I felt incredibly slighted and had to try really hard to hold back tears. After about two hours of non-stop talk about LS pregnancy and babies, my mom brings up the new “business cards” that I made for our adoption profile. It was like a light went off with my aunt and g-ma that I too was expecting, just not quite as good. After that, every time anyone would say anything about LS’s babies, they would pause and then throw in something about my “pretend” babies (my words, not theirs). My g-ma at one point said that if my baby came near LS’s, she would have to step in and play the role of my mom for me. It was totally nice of her to offer to do that, but it pissed me off. Why does she automatically get my mom? I know, it is because she needs her more, but I have waited forever for this and it makes me so mad that my mom may not even be able to come visit for the first few months because she is busy with my sister’s babies. Again, something I have yet to come to terms with.

Incident five. Maternity clothes. We decided to go shopping. I wanted to go to a used bookstore. One car with mom and g-ma led us, the rest of us in the car behind. Where did they lead us? Maternity clothes shopping. I felt like someone had slapped me in the face and punched me in the gut at the same time. Is it me or is this a little insensitive to make me go along with this? It is certainly no secret that this is beyond hard for me (even though nobody talked about it at the time). My mom was going to be there for 5 days, I was in town for a day and a half and that is the day we go shopping for maternity clothes. BS was complaining about how boring it was and wanted to go back to the hotel. After watching the three women go all crazy over maternity clothes and fuss all over LS, I broke down in a corner of the store by myself. I felt terrible that I would never be able to have that moment when people fuss over me like that. I felt so sad that my mom, aunt and g-ma would never go maternity shopping with me. Then I realized that even if I WAS pregnant, it wouldn’t happen. I would go on my own or with friends, because I wouldn’t need to wait for my mom to be in town to buy them for me. So then I changed from being sad to being angry. I decided I wanted to go back to the hotel, so I grabbed BS and we left. On the way back, I started crying again. I was totally silent and staring straight forward hoping BS wouldn’t see. I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye and she was staring at me with the most concerned, adult look on her face. She grabbed my hand and just said, “I’m sorry this is so hard for you,” and just held my hand and never said another word about it. Of course, it made me cry a little harder at first, but what a great kid, huh? Why is it that the 13 year-old gets it but the 50 and 70 year-olds don’t? Ugghhh!! Anyway, I was immensely fortunate to have BS there this weekend. She was totally my crutch and she supported me in her own silent way the rest of the weekend, which was pretty uneventful.

So, I guess putting it down on paper it doesn’t seem that bad. But my heart was hurting really bad the entire time, and I was angry at my heart for hurting so. I know that my family showing support for LS doesn’t indicate a lack of support for me, but it certainly feels that way. I have been on this path for over a year and nobody ever seems to bring it up or ask about it or anything unless I do. It hurts me unbelievably bad. I know that they just don’t get it and they don’t know how to act and quite frankly they just forget about the issue. I know that there isn’t a script for how to act when your sister/daughter/granddaughter/niece is adoption, but there kinda is one if the is pregnant. I get why they acted that way and I am not mad, it just hurts. It is one of the most difficult things about the adoption process. Other’s just truly don’t get it.

It really bothers me that LS gets my mom through all this. Actually, it just bothers me that the fact that she gets her means that I don’t. It bothers me that my mom is buying all this stuff for her and bending over backwards for her. I feel glossed over and second rate.

As horrible as I felt the entire time, I am still glad I went. I think I am on way to acceptance of the lifetime original movie that is my family right now. After acceptance, I’ll have to work on embracing it. Baby steps….

I’m Bummed

28 02 2009

I’ve been riding the upswing of the adoption rollercoaster the past few weeks. It is coming crashing down quickly, though.

I am heading out of work early to go spend some time with my mom and two sisters. Sounds like fun if one of those sisters wasn’t a drama queen pregnant with twins. It pisses me off that I am not excited to go.

I’ve been researching other agencies. Mine is crapping me out. Anyone have a great agency that does business in AZ? Anyone have any great facilitators or other adoption professionals they would recommend?

13 + 15 = 28

15 02 2009

Twenty-eight moms have been made in 10 months.

I started my blog over a year ago, but I didn’t really start REALLY blogging until May of last year. That is when I discovered the wonderful community that has enriched my life in a way I never imagined.

One of my fellow waiters had a comment on her blog that she hopes she doesn’t get “left behind” the adoption world like she got left behind in the infertility world.

I don’t know if I am a glutton for punishment or what…but I decided to count. Here are the results.

IRL there have been 13 pregnancy announcements since last May. Thirteen!! (actually, only 11, but since two of those were twins, I am counting them twice because they were twice as hard.)

In blogland there have been 15 matches/placements/pregnancies. (No twins here)

That is 28 new moms. That is a LOT for a girl to handle. But it is also pretty amazing. Twenty eight new lives brought into the world, twenty eight new families and about half of those through the miracle of adoption. That is some cool stuff and I can’t be TOO sad about that, now can I?

So, it is a little depressing because I am currently in the process of being left behind. When I started, I wasn’t an avid reader of more than one or two parenting blogs. Now, I am a reader of over a dozen. I’m not whining or complaining; just stating the facts. In some ways it is really cool. In some ways you parents have helped pave the way to my emotionally secure adoption mentality. In some ways you all have had experiences that I have been able to learn from (both what to do and what not to do). I wouldn’t trade those for anything in the world. Besides, you guys just need to get out of the way so it can be my turn!

I know my time is coming. I know it is in Gods hands. I know He has a plan. I know it will all be worth it in the end. Just so you know. I know all that. I just wish waiting were a little easier.

How much longer do I have to wait? Where is my baby?!?!

Two new amazing blessings

11 02 2009

There are certain people in my life that just touch me in a special way. For me, no two people can have that same special affect on me. This past week, two very special people, in two immensely different ways have gotten great news and I want to share it with you.

First, my very best friend in the entire world found out she is pregnant with my future goddaughter or godson (is that presumptuous? I don’t care!). This is the friend that has been “holding off” to have another until we are matched. This is the friend that allowed me to travel along with her during her last pregnancy and delivery. This is the friend that offered, and at one point begged to allow her to be a surrogate for us so we could have a baby soon.

Two weeks ago, she and I sat down and had a talk. I told her that I wasn’t ok with her waiting around for us and they she and her husband needed to follow their hearts and leave us out of the picuture. She knows how hurt we have been, especially lately, and she didn’t want to add to that. I told her we would be ok, of course, and that we would sincerely be happy for them. I also told her that it was likely that I would cry when I found out, but that wouldn’t mean anything other than that I was again grieving my lack of children – nothing to do with them. Isn’t it funny that she was pregnant then, and neither of us knew it!? I am so glad I talked to her about it, because I know it made her lots easier to tell me- and it made it a lot easier for me to hear, even though it was still a shock that it was so soon.

The best part about her is how selfless she is. When we talked, I asked her to tell me as soon as she could. I didn’t want to try to “guess” by her actions if she was pregnant, and I didn’t want her to have to pretend not to be for me. BUT, she found out two days before my shower (that she threw for me, BTW). She called me right after the shower and told me and said that she felt like she had been lying to me for three days, but she wanted to tell me after the shower so nobody at the shower knew so all the attention was on me. How sweet is that!? She truly is a great friend, and I am sincerely excited about experiencing this pregnancy with her. I know that she will allow me to be with her throughout this thing on my own terms- which usually means that I will be involved to the fullest. It is funny how when people tell me, “I NEED you to be there for me,” that I pull away, but when they tell me to be there for them on my terms, it draws me closer. It is amazing how far a little understanding can go. The pregnancies seem to be getting easier to handle. I’m glad for that.

Anyway, on to good news number two. My sweet friend, Rebekah. For me, my blog friends are much like my IRL friends. There are some that I just feel more connected to than others. Rebekah is one of those that I feel particularly connected to. She once called us heart sisters- and it is true. There are very few people in this world that really get some parts of you, and Rebekah gets the infertile part of me. Anyway, she and Ben were matched! If you go read about it, it seems strangely meant to be!

Rebekah is such a sweet girl! Her faith in God and her positive outlook are inspirational. The love and kindness that permeates through her words are astounding. There is something about a match for adoption that truly warms my heart. I am not sure if it is the fact that I KNOW where people have been and what they have gone through to get through where they are, or that fact that the more matches that are made, the closer I get to my child. Honestly though, I don’t think I could be happier for Rebekah and Ben, unless of course it was me!! Hehe! So, Congratulations Rebekah and Ben! I am so excited for you guys!

Beautiful Updates

26 01 2009

Wow. I have so much to write about. I don’t even know where to start. A few main points:

I am VERY proud of myself- not for the way that I acted, but for the way that I feel.
My in-laws are completely NUTS!

First- the important stuff- The BABIES! So cute and tiny!! They were 4.5 lbs and 18” and 4.75 lbs and 17.25”. They are both doing very well, but at of yet haven’t been able to be held by anyone yet. They are in the NICU and are breathing on their own and sucking and swallowing and maintaining their own temperatures. Their only issue is that their lungs are a little underdeveloped. Baby Girl M has a tube in her nose (that is very sad so see) that is helping to keep her lungs fully inflated. Baby Boy L is doing great and will hopefully be held and breastfed by day’s end. I wish I could post pics, but I would want to get permission and then they would KNOW!!!

I ended up going the hospital when she was fully dialated and waited it out in the waiting room. It was HORRIBLE! I wasn’t upset about being at the hospital or anything. It had NOTHING to do with my feelings, but the whole family drove me nuts! They were ALL going in and out of the room while she was pushing and they even brought Pizza into the room. My SIL’s father and sister kept going back and forth after they were asked to leave. I was shocked and irritated to no end- but only for the mom-to-be, not for myself. There were only a few awkward moments in regards to me, but with my in-laws, that is to be expected. So, the moral of the story is that this is why God “blessed” me with infertility. Because if I were to give birth, I would end up murdering all of my in-laws and spending eternity behind bars. Yes, it was THAT bad. No respect!

We didn’t get to see the babies last night because it was sooo late by the time they were ready to be seen and Hubbs still wasn’t feeling well at all. So we went home and I couldn’t sleep. I just kept thinking about those babies!!

This morning I went back to the hospital and went to the NICU to see them. I burst into tears with my BIL when I saw them! I just instantly fell in love with those little tiny things! It made me really sad to see them there in the hospital incubator all by themselves and wanted SOMEONE to hold them so bad. It was so strange because the second I saw those babies, all the resentment and bitterness just went away. Suddenly, I wanted to have a better relationship with my BIL and SIL, and even more importantly, I really wanted to have an awesome relationship with those little babies. There was only a twinge of my own pain present while at the hospital and any tears shed were of happiness and awe at the creation of life before me. It was awesome.

It brings me hope for my relationship with my sister. She emailed me today. I emailed her back. I hope we can talk via email for awhile until my pain subsides a little more. We will see how it goes.

P.S. My therapy session was the best yet and I learned a lot about myself and I also had a GREAT time with my friends at dinner!