Touching base

When we visited our friends in the hospital last Friday I sat there holding their four-hour-old baby. I was staring at his perfect face trying to imagine what it would be like, what if would feel like if this were my child and I was told I could take him home. I felt nothing. I couldn’t even imagine it. It was just that- a game of pretend and I couldn’t even pretend very well.

I was telling Hubbs about it on the way home and he sighed and said, “It really doesn’t feel like it is ever going to happen, does it?” It isn’t a desperate sad thing. We are doing a really good job of being outwardly excited and preparing for the unscheduled seemingly fictitious event. It is just that neither of can imagine it actually happening. It seems like a pipe-dream at this point. (The thing is that I think it is really going to knock us on our asses when it does happen.)

Then I read Rebekah’s post about her meeting with her agency and it made me really SAD! I had heard some not so great news about our agency’s statistics for 2008 (rumors) and I started to get really panicky. So I called our SW. The SW we don’t really bond with and the SW that we feel doesn’t really like us and SW that we don’t particularly like ourselves. And we had the best discussion ever! I feel a hundred times better now.

She said they had had a busy year so far (in 2009) and that since the start of their fiscal year in July, they had placed 17 babies (right on track for the average of 30 they do- and since there are only 35 families on the waiting list, those are good numbers!) She told me that we have been presented (which oddly made me feel better). She also told me that we hadn’t been presented very often because a lot of the situations were awesome situations in which everyone on the waiting list would be a good match. They only give the pregnancy clients a max of 10 profiles, so if more than 10 people match, they take the top 10 in order of seniority on the list. So, right now we may not be being presented, but as those people move off the list we gain seniority.

I realized something when I was talking to her. I don’t need a baby today or tomorrow or even next month. I am being patient, I just want to feel like it is going to happen sometime(hopefully sometime this year). I also told her that with so many pregnancy announcements in my life recently, it has made my itch a little stronger. Then we got to talking about all the pregnancies. I asked her for a little advice on helping my sister get a grip on her financial reality. I told her that my bro’s wife had just announced her pregnancy and she thought I was talking about Hubbs’ sister. I corrected her and told her that she is due to have twins in a few weeks. She says, “Oh my goodness! You poor thing! You can’t even get away from the pregnancies!” The best part is, I wasn’t complaining or anything telling her these things- they just kind of came out naturally and she recognized that it would be a rough thing for me. That felt really good.

It was a great conversation and I feel so much better after talking to her. I hope that it pushed me and Hubbs to the front of her mind so she can push our profile to the front of the stack! Hehe!

So anyway, today I am not a mom, but I am comforted with the thought that I really will be one day!

Another itch

I had a really great conversation with my brother this weekend. We don’t have a very good relationship (because his wife is crazy- and he knows it!), so when he called to find out how I was doing with everything going on with my little sister, it really meant a lot to me. He was very understanding and unlike pretty much anyone else IRL, he managed to say all the right things. He called me when I was at my Dad’s house watching the Cardinals game (Go Cards!). I got off the phone with him and relayed to my family how nice he had been and what a great conversation we had had.

On the way home, Hubbs tells me that my brother’s wife is pregnant. WTF??? First of all, unless my mother or my baby sister who is 12 winds up pregnant (literally NOT a possibility), I think every female in my life is pregnant. But most importantly, I felt totally misled. I felt like the only reason my brother called me was to tell me that, but then chickened out after the conversation we had. Then, after I got off the phone and was talking about it, everyone else in the room knew and didn’t bother to tell me. They had told Hubbs while I was on the phone, so it wasn’t like they didn’t want me to know. I wasn’t mad, just a little irked because I feel like they put it all on Hubbs’ shoulders to tell me. The freaking cowards.

The thing is, I don’t even really care. I didn’t even cry when I found out, although I pouted a little. Yeah, it is totally unfair, once again. But mostly it is unfair to their child. These two have filed for divorce more times than I have been shattered by pregnancy announcements. My bro talks to my dad regularly how he thinks it is only a matter of time before their marriage is over (and if you knew anything about his wife, you would think he is a saint for staying with her this long). It is just silly and irresponsible for them to have another child at this point. The only positive is that babies tend to bring out the best in my SIL. When they are babies, her children are too young for her to treat like dirt.

So, basically, the news of my sister’s pregnancy was the straw that broke the camel’s back and this pregnancy is almost just comical. Whatever, God. I don’t care how many more women get pregnant around me. I’m over being jealous. I’m over it making me cry. I am happy right now. I love my husband, I love my family, I love my life. I can wait however long you decide I need to wait. Just don’t fault me for being a little bitter about the whole thing, because I can’t seem to make that go away.

As with any pregnancy announcement, I soon got the placement itch. I mean, I always have the placement itch, but with news of someone else being blessed with a child, it increases tenfold. So, I questioned everything again this weekend. Is our profile ok, should we make changes? Should we change agencies? Should we add an additional agency? Should we locate a facilitator? Should we just go to the hospital one night and steal a cute little baby? Wait, what? Did I say that out loud? I guess it isn’t really funny to say, because I would never do that, even if I KNEW I wouldn’t get caught I couldn’t live with myself. I would be a liar if I said it never crossed my mind, though.

Hubbs talked me off the “I don’t care if we get into a severe financial situation, lets get a baby” cliff. I like our agency, I want an ethical adoption, I want a local adoption, and I FEEL like this is the way it is supposed to go for us (I just don’t really like it too much right now). I feel like this agency is the way to go. I feel it in my gut. I just with they would hurry up already.

Do you know what sucks the most? I am FINE and dandy and patient as all could be until someone else gets pregnant. I hate that. I understand it, but I hate it!

***Does this post sound angry or sad? I can’t tell, but for the record, I am not either. I am just fine.

Four babies

Tomorrow is the first of the trio of births I have been dreading. One of Hubbs’ lifelong friends is becoming a dad tomorrow. Their c-section is scheduled for 1 pm. In three weeks my SIL twins should be coming into the world and two weeks after that one of my great friends should be having ANOTHER baby. I had really hoped we would at least be matched by now. I thought I might fall to pieces during this time if we weren’t.

So how am I doing with all this?

I’m handling it surprisingly well. Actually, I’m not even “handling” it at this point, because it doesn’t seem necessary. For two of the three, I am genuinely happy. I am so excited about going to the hospital to meet the newest member of our group of friends! I can’t wait!!! I actually get a little teary when I think about the magic of it all.

My third friend needs a little help with the baby shower (I just found out yesterday she was doing it for herself!! What a bad group of family/friends! So I am taking over!!!). I am stoked for them, too, especially because her husband just got back from Iraq on NYE!

My SIL, well you all know. The twins are just going to add to the chaos that is my ILs. Oh well. I guess the less attention they pay to me, the better. I actually think watching the whole family try to handle it on top of everything else is going to be comical in many ways.

It is funny how the pregnancies are hard, but then there are BABIES! I love the babies. After there are BABIES, I only get a little sad when we miss out on kid oriented stuff (getting mothers day gifts, trips to the zoo, etc.), but for the most part, I just get to enjoy the kids! Plus- think of all the hand-me-downs!!

P.S. Then of course there is my sister, but I am not talking about that since that just gets messier all the time!

2008 Recap

I am pleased to wave goodbye to 2008. I have had a rough year (and it pains me to think that I said those same words last year). Part of me is a little sad to see another year fly by without much to show for it, but part of me finds great hope in the idea of a new year and a new beginning.

Here are some things that I won’t miss about 2008.

– SIL’s pregnancy and dealing with her insensitivity
– Hubbs’ job loss
– Baby sister’s pregnancy and ALL the junkie junk that comes with that
– SIL and favorite BIL’s divorce
– Waiting, waiting and more waiting (although that will drift into 09 to some extent)

A recap of the awesome things that happened in 2008.

– Captain- my little fur baby and the best thing of 08
– Getting certified for adoption
– Getting active for adoption before the 1+ year waiting list
– Hubbs’ NEW job—yay!
– Saving all our money for adoption
– Decorating our nursery
– All my bloggy pals that have been placed or matched
– Probably lots more things that I can’t even think of right now

I also want to say that I am so thankful for all the wonderful things in my life. My family and friends are unbeliveable and I love them to death! Hubbs is greater than great and I love my little Captain to death! Sometimes I am surprised I haven’t sqeezed his little guts out! With the turn of 2009 I am filled with hope that it will be our year, but comforted that if it isn’t, I can get through it!

We are having a new year’s party (the fifth annual). Every year I say I am not going to do it again and every year I get roped into it. Poo! I just hate the way everyone gets so intoxicated and silly on this holiday (and then make a mess in my house- but that comes with every get-together). I’m trying to get excited about it! It will be fun when the time comes! Lots of friends I haven’t seen in a few years are coming, so it will be fun to catch up!

Happy New Year Everyone!

Christmas in Utah

Christmas with my family was awesome (once we got there)! It was the first time in about 15 years that my Mom had her WHOLE family together (for the most part anyway). My mom was so happy and excited and it was awesome. One of her sisters got in later than the rest of us and it brought tears to my eyes to see them hold each other and jump up and down with excitement when she arrived.

Captain saw his first snow, and he loved it! Well, for about 20 minutes, anyway. Then he just shivered miserably! He was so cute, though!

Can you see how deep that snow it? It didn’t stop him!

notice Captain warming in my coat!

The day after Christmas we were going to go sledding, but it was snowing so much we decided to stay home and sled down the street! We had so much fun and laughed so hard! I don’t think us adults even let the kids have a turn on the sled! It was a blast!

We ate like Kings, of course! Hubbs, my cousin and I went snowboarding at Brighton Ski resort! It was soooo cold- like -16 degrees at the summit, which to my Arizona Native body, is WAAAAYYYYY colder than I am used to. At one point, it was snowing and my cousin and I looked at each other and said, “This was not a good idea!” But we had a blast and I am super sore! We get to go again this weekend! Yay for vacations (that we can’t really afford, but you only live once, right!?!?)!

Things with my sister went ok. It wasn’t awkward but she pissed me off repeatedly (lots of other people, too, though so I know I wasn’t being sensitive). I think the hardest part for me is how immature and little she is. I wanted her to at least pretend to grow up a little bit, but she is such a child. I bought her some books on pregnancy (how progressive am I?) and she looked at the picture of the baby at 6 weeks and says, “EEEWWWWW!! This is SOOO disgusting! It has a tail!” Seriously? Kids having kids. She also told someone that she was mad because she couldn’t go on Spring Break and to Vegas on her 21st birthday because she was pregnant and now she had nothing to look forward to. Grrrr!!!! She also constantly complained about being sick and hating how everything smelled and how bad her breasts hurt. She didn’t just mention it, she complained “feel sorry for me” complains. Then would ask, “Doesn’t anyone care that I am in pain???” It was pretty ridiculous – but oh so her! It also made me mad because that was the ONE thing I asked her not to do- complain about what I would give anything for!

I’m doing well with it as far as my own situation is concerned. What I am not doing well with is the thought of her being a mom. It freaks me out for her child so much. I was talking to Hubbs about some of the things that irritated me this weekend. He said that the complaints I have are the same ones I have always had about her- being irresponsible and needing to be the center of attention and being lazy and expecting everyone else to bail her out. He said that it isn’t surprising that those same things are more irritating when we have to look at her as a mother figure. I have no idea how she is going to do it. I have to keep telling myself over and over again that she has nine months to grow up. I hope she gets on it because she has lots of it to do.

But, other than that I feel really good and happy! Things are great and I can’t wait for this weekend!

Yep, still feeling sorry for myself

I am beat down. I am sick of crying. I am sick of wallowing in my own self pity. But still I wallow.

Does this make sense to anyone else why this is so hard? Sometimes I feel like I am out of my mind!!

I have to see her and my whole family tomorrow. I can’t imagine how it is going to go. What am I going to say? What am I going to do? What are we going to talk about – because I don’t want to talk about IT!! Do I have a right to just NOT talk about it? Is that just punishing her for my own infertility? It is going to be so weird and uncomfortable.

I wanted to quit Christmas this year. I want to go to disneyland with hubbs instead. He won’t let me. He said, “we just have to stay here and suffer.” Then he laughed. It would be funny if it wasn’t true.

Baby’s daddy tried to call me yesterday. I didn’t answer. He texted me and asked if he could talk to me when he is back in town for new years. I said no. Then he said, “you know I am going to care of her.” It made me feel bad because that wasn’t really a concern of mine. I don’t know if I just assumed he would or if my brain hasn’t gotten past myself yet. It makes me really mad, though. He has severely hurt the relationship that i have with my sister (ok, it isn’t entirely him, but you know what I mean) and he doesn’t even get it. I don’t expect him to.

The one thing that rings true in all of this is that I haven’t had a choice in any of these matters. I know that she is going through something crazy, but that is because of choices that she made. I have had no say. I never do.

I know this is really dramatic to say, but I don’t know if I have ever hurt this bad. It isn’t like it the relatively normal situation where my infertility wound’s scap gets ripped off. Yeah, the scab was ripped off, then salt was poured in and then some lemon juice and then a little vodka (I think all those things hurt wounds.) The worst part is, it doesn’t seem to be getting any easier(I know it has only been 4 days!). I keep having panick attacts thinking about this or that in the process. I don’t think I have gone more than a few hours without crying since Monday. My relationship with my sister is never going to be the same. That is the worst part for me. I know that is a really drastic thing to say. Gone are the days that I can talk to her about how painful this journey is and how so-and-so’s pregnancy made me sad or whatever. I know that we will be fine in the long run, it will just be different and I want it back the way that it was. I keep thinking that it is just going to go away. Not the pain, the situation. This sucks.

I know that eventually everyone else is going to tell me to get over it. My dad actually already did- so I yelled at him a bit. I hope I am over it soon. I cry every time I think about having to watch her belly swell up and start decorating a nursery and planning a baby shower. It just isn’t fair. NO FAIR! (*stamping my feet again*)

Hey, God, I think I am missing the message here!! What am I supposed to be learning that I haven’t already learned? What am I not doing that I should be doing? I really don’t get it.

How self centered to think that God allowed my sister to get pregnant to teach ME a lesson!! But at the same time, he could have waited until I was placed. Where is my baby?

By the way, today is my birthday. I’m 27 today (with a 20 year-old knocked up sister in case you weren’t paying attention).

****For the record, I know I sound dramatic and a little desperate. I am a little. What can you do, though!?!?!

My pregnant little sister

I’m so sick of drama. I am so sick of crying! I am so sick of feeling like this! Grrrr!!!

So, needless to say from last post, things have been pretty dramatic around my house the past 24 hours.

My sister is in college and is barely hanging on. She has a really hard time getting through life. She has lots of anxiety and has break downs about twice a month. No joke. She has tons of credit card debt and very little bills (she basically just pays for her gas, food and rent. And of course her credit card bills), but she is constantly broke – like I can’t afford to buy groceries broke. She is a great kid. She is loving and sweet and funny and probably one of my very favorite people in the world, but she is in no way responsible, especially not financially. All of which makes this situation that much harder.

She has been there for me in more ways that I can count during our infertility. She is probably my best friend. Nobody was wishing we would get pregnat more than her (except us of course). In her own words, ” I was always mad at people when they got pregnant in this kind of situation. Now it is me.” The good news in this whole thing is she knows better than anyone what I have gone through and she is VERY concerned about me. I am sure that she is completely flipped out right now about her situation, but I know she is also VERY worried about our relationship and about me in general. That also brings about a few other complications, though. I can’t just PRETEND that I am ok with it. She KNOWS I am not. She probably knows me better than anyone in this regard.

It is kind of weird. I feel really selfish for feeling this way, but I can’t just not. My whole family has been very supportive of me for the most part. They are pretty worried about me. I haven’t cried this much in a really long time. It just really sucks.

Oh, I forgot to mention: baby daddy is one of my good friends (or was). Could I be more intertwined in this situation?

This situation is way more complicated than any of my other issues with pregnant people. For one I think this is my first “one-night-stander.” Obviously these two are not ready to have a family. Neither one can really take of themselves. All those “fairness” questions come flowing through my brain. Secondly, I don’t WANT to be angry and hurt by this situation. Usually I kind of revel in being angry and hurt by pregnant people. Like my SIL, I don’t really even want to be over that one. It makes me feel a little better to be mad at her. But this is my baby sister. I want to be able to be supportive and to help her make difficult life decisions right now. I would be great at helping her get through this one. But I just don’t have the capacity to do that right now. I really hope I find it.

Here is where I get really childish and throw fits: This really screws up my whole plan- really our whole plan. She and I have always talked about how awesome it is going to be once Hubbs and I get placed. She was going to be the favorite aunt and be around all the time. We were going to hang out while she finished college and then she would meet someone and then get married…. Well, now she is dropping out of college (she is going to finish online, really) and moving to Utah to live with our mom. I don’t want her to go (*stamping my foot*). Actually, I want her to go there while she is pregnant, but I want her to live HERE with her babies. I can’t help her though, at least not yet. Another silly thing is that I am so jealous that she is going to be able to be close to my mom- both her and her baby. Because she is going to live so close, her child is going to have a much better relationship with my mom (who is unequivocally the best mom/grandma ever). I want THAT! I have to stay here with my stupid in-laws!!!

I’m pretty much just a mess. I have cried more in the past two days than probably ever. It sucks and my heart hurts, for both me and her. I have been pretty irrational and pretty down in the dumps. I haven’t talked to her about it yet, not since she told me and we didn’t really even talk them. I don’t know what to say or how to act or what to do in this situation. Like I said before, usually I just pretend, but in this case everyone knows- especially her. I want to make her feel better, but at the same time I don’t because I feel like I have been cheated like no other right now. I feel sorry for her, but at the same time I don’t.

By the way, I know God has a plan for me. I know it. I know that when I come to the end of this road and start down the road of parenting that it will all make sense. I hate to say it, but right now that is providing little comfort. It doesn’t make this hurt any less. It doesn’t make me act any less like a spoiled brat that didn’t get the pretty dolly for Christmas.

Oh and then there is the whole thing about how the heck is she going to get through this (you know, because there is more to this than JUST ME!!!)? What is she going to do? How is she going to finish school? How is she going to raise a baby?

WTF?

My 20 year old sister just called me.

She’s pregnant.

From a one night stand.

I’m getting drunk and calling in sick tomorrow.

Christmas should be fun.