Bits and Pieces

5 06 2009

So, it’s Friday. Yay! I made it through my first week back to work. It wasn’t so bad, but this morning I did have a fleeting thought about how this is it. This is how my life is going to be from here on out. I guess it is possible that I would be able to go part-time or be a stay at home mom sometime in the future, but with the way things have gone financially the last year, it isn’t going to be anytime soon. So, I am still trying to find my way through the acceptance phase.

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(brutal, ugly, honesty confessions ahead….be forewarned. It’s not pretty.) I don’t know how I feel about my grandma being our nanny. Not because she doesn’t do a good job, but because I don’t feel like I am handling it very well. For the record, I am unbelievably thankful that she is willing and able to do this for us. I SHOULD be nothing but thankful, but I didn’t realize that it was also going to be hard for ME. Apparently, I am a complete control freak. Yesterday, she and Hubbs cleaned the ENTIRE house. How awesome is that? It made me feel guilty and then I started noticing things that weren’t done right. The biggest thing was R’s laundry. The folding was horrendous and then ALL of her stuff was just shoved in one drawer. Her socks, bathing suit, clothes, burp clothes… into one drawer. I know this sounds terrible and I should be more thankful, but in reality, I just have to do it over again. But really, I can handle that. The part that I don’t know if I can handle is how I feel at night when I am home. I feel like I am entertaining and I feel like I am being judged as a mother all the time. I don’t feel like I have any alone time with R and I feel like I am being watched while I interact with her. Now, there is NOTHING that Granny is doing to make me feel this way. NOTHING. I know it is all me and it is all part of my insecurities, but it is still there. I am also really jealous. I hate that most days she gets to spend more time with her than me, and unlike a typical situation, she is still there at night. And then, even worse, I feel guilty for feeling this way because it is so totally unselfish and wonderful that she is doing this for us. Maybe it will get better and maybe I will get more used to it.

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I’m sooo TIRED. The no sleep is catching up with me. I am ready to sleep in for sure! I keep having to wake R up in the mornings and when I get home to spend time with her. She doesn’t seem to mind, though. She still wakes up with a smile. I wouldn’t. Actually, I don’t!!

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Yesterday at work, my boss’s boss asked me how my daughter was doing. It gave me chills to hear that. How fantastic. I think most people say, “How is your baby.” But for some reason, the word “daughter” is so much more powerful to me. I remember I have a baby at home, I think just sometime I forget I have a “daughter.” Does that make sense? (the difference isn’t between a daughter and son, but a baby and a daughter). So cool!!

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I am finally getting caught up on my reader!! I have been a bad bad bloggy friend and I am sorry. I didn’t comment too much because I was trying to get caught up… but I am back. After all, I do have 8 hours a day of company time to kill. Hehe!

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I LOVE reading birth parent blogs. My favorites are the ones who are struggling with THEIR placements, but are still supportive of the adoption world. It makes me feel like there is hope out there for the adoption “industry” to be viewed more positively.

I had an unfortunate incident at work with a co-worker that made a comment about adoption being “baby buying” in a matter of fact way. She wasn’t judging, just being ignorant. Needless to say it didn’t go over well with me and my polite way of trying to handle it ended up creating kind of a scene at the office because her ignorance ran so deep she didn’t understand that I was offended and I needed to make that CLEAR. I was kind of worried that I had totally embarrassed her, but a few hours later she came and asked if I wanted to start carpooling. So, I guess the ignorance just runs too deep there. I will not be carpooling with her. I don’t love the Earth THAT much. Sorry Earth.

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I drink a lot of coffee now. Like five times as much as I used to.

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I thought I saw R’s birth mom at work today. Obviously it wasn’t her, but it made me adrenaline pump nonetheless. It forced me to think about the very real possibility of running into them one day. I hope I am mature enough to handle that. I have been thinking about her birth parents a lot. I write letters to them in my head all the time. I am very disappointed in the first letter I sent them. This next one will be much better.

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Today is a very big day adoption-wise. And would you believe it, I forgot about it! I will post more about it once today is OVER!!

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Nursery Rhymes

17 05 2009

We got this book of famous nursery rhymes for R from a great friend. During the day when I lose inspiration on what to sing or talk about the R, I read (or sing) from the book (she loves the way mommy doctors Hickory Dickory Dock. It turns her to all smiles). Today Hubbs was reading it to her and came across this…

Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater
Had a wife and couldn’t keep her
Put her in a pumpkin shell
And there he kept her very well
(*insert* illustration of Peter pushing his wife’s head down into a giant pumpkin)

As he finishes reading it to her he stops and laughs out loud! “What? You’ve got to be kidding me!” Then he says, “Peter’s wife was promiscuous so he had to lock her in pumpkin to make her behave… and that is a nursery rhyme? Seriously? Let that be a lesson to you, R!” And laughs.

I guess I never thought of this way (really, I just never really comprehended the words!), but it is a little twisted. So is, “It’s Raining it’s Pouring.” A nursery rhyme about an old guy who doesn’t wake up the next morning??

Oh well, what can you do?





tidbits

5 05 2009

~Baby girl has some toots on her! She sounds like a mini machine gun! But it makes momma happy becuase at least it is coming out! Daddy finds this funny EVERY time and dissolves into a fit of giggles! Ahhh, men!

~We are completely overwhelmed with the amount of support we have been given. We have been getting package after package in the mail and we feel so blessed to have such a fantastic support system. R has SOOO many clothes, and we have only bought her two outfits on our own (don’t worry though, we have managed to spend too much money in many other areas)!

~I feel so lucky. So lucky. For obvious reasons, of course. This little girl is AMAZING in every way. She is everything I ever dreamed about and more. But she is also just so even tempered. She is so calm and peaceful and happy and sleeps so well. What an angel!! What did I do to deserve not just the blessing of a child, but a sweet, pleasant baby that everyone coments is so peaceful? For the record, I would love her just the same screaming, crying and difficult as can be. I feel a little bit guilty about how easy it has been. I am so productive AND well rested! Today I swept and mopped, went grocery shopping, baked cupcakes, made dinner, fixed my computer issues, played with glo-seahorse, sang songs, pressed my head to the floor during tummy time, changed stinky diaper pails, did three loads of laundry, played fetch and enjoyed my baby girl every moment she was awake. I’d like to think I am super mom, but this girl makes motherhood look easy!

~Yesterday we picked my sis and her watermellon belly at the airport. Poor thing is so big. SOOOO big! She is sick of hearing it, of course. She has 13 weeks left and looks like she is nine months pregnant. No joke. No envy, there! Someone asked her yesterday if she was due any day now!! She was feeding R and R peed all over her– I don’t know what happened with the diaper, but she may as well not have been wearing one! It was pretty funny. I guess it was her little welcome gift.

~ I am really enjoying looking for super deals on baby stuff. Mostly diapers and formula. I never realized how expensive formula is.





Pictures

4 05 2009
Being a big furr-brother is hard work!

Momma said to fold my hands nicely…

I LOVE my swing!

I’m a swaddling escape artist!!

My first smile (mom and dad are beside themselves!)





Thanks, Melba!

1 05 2009

Thank you to my dear, dear friend Melba for sending this package to R. You are too sweet and too thoughtful! I cannot thank you enough!!


She loves her pink octopus towel and is thankful for the break from neutral color bathing acessories!

Today she is wearing her blue winney the pooh dress and mom just LOVES the mommy’s girl onesie. It seems to be a diamond in the rough!! (why does all the girl garb only mention daddy!

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Quick Meaningless Updates

22 04 2009

I finally updated my page with info on R. It is amazing how busy I have been and how time flies! I can’t believe that on Monday we are going in for R’s one month appointment!! My goodness. I am finally starting to get caught up on reader, but I had to purge some blogs that I follow. It is just too much to keep up with at this point.

I love sk.ype. I am getting to watch my little sister’s baby belly grow (and it is weird that I kinda want to see that). My mom gets to see little R every day if she wants (which can be kind of annoying). How cool is that? All for only $30 for my little laptop webcam (which BTW can travel to any room in the house and follow R’s every move).

My sister is coming to visit for a week, and we are going to have a baby shower for her. I am not technically planning it, but games, prizes and favors are my responsibility. Who would have thought that I could do this without even feeling a bit of angst? The next week we are going up north to a cabin for a week with my family. I dread trying to pack for a week away with a baby. I think I need to rent a U-haul! Busy Busy.

So, our friends’ son that we hung out with on Fri and Sat has RSV. Wonderful. We are hoping and praying that R doesn’t get infected. They didn’t have any direct contact, but we all held both of them…. so we will see. Hubbs says, “isn’t there some shot we can give her so she doesn’t get it?”

My girl won’t stop eating. Sometimes I am sure she is just going to burst, but what do you do when it is clear that she is famished? She is growing like a weed. I don’t feel like I am soaking up enough out of every day. I can’t even tell you how it breaks my heart every time she grows out of an outfit. Boo!! I want time to SLOW down!

Sorry for the scattered post. Very much like my life right now – pleasantly scattered.





The Angel on my Shoulder

23 02 2009

So, I almost died on Friday. Well, I guess I didn’t almost die, but I should have died. All logic and reasoning points to death or at least serious injury.

I was driving home from work on Friday at 5:30pm (big time rush hour). I was on a major freeway (US60 for all you Arizonans) driving 70 mph and was changing lanes as I approached my exit. After turning on my signal and checking my blind spot, I started to move over and a little datsun truck two lanes over barreled over into the lane attempting to occupy the same space I was. I swerved out of the way a little too forcefully and completely lost control of my car. I slid out of control across four lanes of traffic, over corrected again and slid back across those same four lanes of traffic spinning a full 180 degrees to get a good look into the eyes of those driving in the oncoming traffic. Finally, I spun back around, and then halfway back again leaving my car lifeless, sitting perpendicular to the flow of traffic blocking three lanes.

Now, how the heck I avoided hitting any of the hundreds of cars on the road or a wall or any number of objects that I could and logically should have smashed into, is lost on me. Actually it isn’t. For some reason, God sent one of his best angels to clear a path for my out of control rampage.

So, you’d think this experience would leave me thanking God and happy to be alive. Well, in a sense it did, but I have also been tripping out non-stop since the incident. I am a serious head case right now. I keep reliving the incident and trying to remember what I did and how it happened, but I can’t. All these questions keep spinning through my head.

First of all, I wasn’t scared the entire time (until it was over, of course). I felt like I was playing a video game and during the 60+ seconds of out-of-control-ness, I never once feared for my life. I just kept trying to remember back to driver’s education class as to what I should or shouldn’t do. When I was 17, I was in a roll-over accident on a dirt road. Scared the crap out of me, made me a conservative driver and made me avoid any uncertain driving conditions. So, I never learned HOW to drive in any non-perfect driving conditions. It is now on my to-do list. All these flashed of Drivers Ed kept swimming through my brain, “turn into the skid, don’t hit the brakes, etc” But those were all taught for skidding on ice. What about when you are just a moron that can’t drive on the freeway? I do know this; at some point, you have to hit your brakes, otherwise you just keep sliding back and forth, or worse smash head-on into oncoming traffic. So, the brakes finally brought me to a stop, as well as the life in the car. So, I have been angry at myself for getting myself into the whole situation. I felt like a total dummy and a stereotypical woman driver. I felt like I endangered the lives of everyone on the freeway and I kept thinking about how I would have felt if I had hurt someone… or worse. Hubbs says that I should be proud of myself because I kept control and avoided hitting any cars or walls. I don’t think I played any part in that though. I suppose I could have, but I don’t recall trying to avoid any “obstacles”- I was just trying to get control of the car. So, I guess a big Thank You is in order to all those drivers on the freeway last Friday. Thanks for staying out of my way as I whipped vigorously around the freeway! Especially to the two of you that stopped to make sure I was ok and point out the crazy tire marks that my tires left across all four lanes! Kinda looked like this…..

Hehe. Not really.

Then, I can’t help but think about God rescuing me from myself. At first, I just thought I felt unworthy. Not that I am not worthy of life, but why did he help me and not help those others that get into accidents every day? Obviously, that remains to be the biggest question of the Big Guy. But after talking to Hubbs, he helped me discover that I feel like I “redeemed” my “get out of jail free card” with God. And if I have already used my Big Card, how will I ever get my baby? [Doesn’t everything that happens have to somehow swing back around to affect or be affected by my infertility???] I know, giant leap, huh? How does one find the connection between avoiding a serious car accident and never being chosen for adoption? It is a rare talent I have, thank-you-very-much.

So, Hubbs laughed at me and told me that you don’t get just one prayer answered. That isn’t how God works. I guess the reality is I am pretty confused these days how God does work. I do not doubt my faith or anything; that is still there. I have faith that He will provide and we will get our baby in His time and it will be how it is meant to be. I guess what I discovered is that I simply don’t pray for us to get a baby. Ever. Even when I discovered that it was shocking to me. I pray for birth mothers, all of you and your pregnancies/matches/families, my friends and family, all of my pregnant friends, but never for a baby for me. Why not? I guess I feel guilty praying for that. Or maybe, I feel like if I pray for it, it won’t happen like pregnancy never happened. I don’t know. What a strange bird I am.

We went to church on Sunday. We haven’t been in months and not for any reason other than complacency. I was severely disappointed. I don’t know if I was expecting something extravagant or if it was just because our Pastor was MIA, but I left feeling even more disjointed than I had before. I was also terribly distracted the whole time by the extremely misbehaving children in front of us. Oh well, maybe next week.

Anyhow, to sum up my story, my car is fine (except for a few bald spots on my tires), I am fine physically and a little emotionally erratic. And we all lived happily ever after. THE END.

Oh, and after I got home to a worried Hubbs, we went back over the scene of the incident to admire my tire marks. Pretty amazing stuff! It will be a daily reminder for a few months to BE CAREFUL. What was even more crazy is the number of OTHER tire marks all over the freeway. I am proud to say that mine are one of very few that don’t end at a wall or in a ditch.