Insecurities

29 05 2009

So, I am feeling very insecure about going back to work and leaving r. I am scared she won’t know me and I am scared she will feel abandoned. Working moms, can you make me feel better and tell me it isn’t so bad…..? I know MOST families are both working parents, how do you make it work?

Also, my SW emailed me about our next visit. Is there any way this could affect the finalization of the adoption? I mean, we can pay our bills (barely) right now, especially if I go back to work, so other than that they shouldn’t care, right?

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Untitled

1 02 2009

Thank you all for your responses to my question. Right now I am not really doing anything, just looking to make a plan for my next steps if need be.

I love my agency and I really want to conduct this and any other adoptions through them. It has always been important for me to take the agency route because we really want to make sure that the birth family has counseling (which we would encourage and pay for if we go private) and because we really don’t want to be taken for a ride. The flat fee that we are being charged is also really nice. Our agency is Ca.tho.lic Ch.ar.i.ti.es and while they operate in most states (including Utah), they all operate independently. They would just contract us out to the other state’s agency. It is my understanding that the Utah organization does not have an adoption program. The only other agencies I can find in the state are either strictly LDS, or don’t provide legal services anyway, so they leave me right back where I am. So, at this point I don’t know where else to go other than to an attorney.

If anyone out there has any agency/attorney recommendations in Utah or any other Utah related advice, please let me know.

I know our homestudy is good for whatever we chose because our agency does them for many different agencies and independent adoptions in my state. I talked to my SW awhile back when we were looking at doing some more outreach and they strongly discourage us from doing stuff outside the agency, which I agree and want to avoid, but I won’t pass up on something because it is a little more difficult. It will benefit us in the sense that we can “stay on” with our agency while waiting to see if this situation pans out… because there is a LOOOONG time to wait.

So, I have been thinking a lot about our “possibility.” I have decided that of the many scenarios that can play out, only one will be truly disappointing to me. That would be if this girl has an abortion. Then I would be sad. Otherwise, I am glad this happened.

If she decides to make and follow through with an adoption plan and chooses us- then I am stoked (obviously).

If she makes an adoption plan, chooses us and then decides to parent I will be obviously sad, but thrilled that she didn’t choose abortion. I will probably be left with a feeling that we saved that baby’s life- thus bringing purpose to our infertility in itself. The other thing is that because she isn’t through our agency, we will not miss out on any other possible situations. I also think that this option would fill me with hope and help me get through the next few months with a more optimistic outlook. Although the disappointment would be there in the end, it would be worth it (I think).

The only other thing is that she could make an adoption plan and find another couple. I can’t control this, so I am not going to worry about it. I don’t really think it would happen, but obviously it could. Either way, I would feel like we had a hand in saving this baby’s life.

Oh, there is also the option that I could just never hear anything about this again. I guess that would be ok, too.

My concern about this situation is that I have an ethical issue about “soliciting.” I have always said that I don’t want someone to choose between me parenting the child or them parenting the child. I want them to choose adoption, and then choose us. I have never even considered the decision between me parenting and abortion. I would guess I would be ok with being chosen with those two options….

For the record, I don’t really feel like this situation is really going to amount to anything. I am not trying to be negative, it is just a gut feeling. Hubbs has the exact opposite feeling, but he is the eternal optimist. Either way, I am filled with hope and excitement for whatever the future holds and I am glad we have had a little action. Most of all, I hope we play a role in keeping this baby around. Please say prayers for this woman (I don’t even know her name) and her boyfriend.

P.S. GO CARDINALS!





Touching base

15 01 2009

When we visited our friends in the hospital last Friday I sat there holding their four-hour-old baby. I was staring at his perfect face trying to imagine what it would be like, what if would feel like if this were my child and I was told I could take him home. I felt nothing. I couldn’t even imagine it. It was just that- a game of pretend and I couldn’t even pretend very well.

I was telling Hubbs about it on the way home and he sighed and said, “It really doesn’t feel like it is ever going to happen, does it?” It isn’t a desperate sad thing. We are doing a really good job of being outwardly excited and preparing for the unscheduled seemingly fictitious event. It is just that neither of can imagine it actually happening. It seems like a pipe-dream at this point. (The thing is that I think it is really going to knock us on our asses when it does happen.)

Then I read Rebekah’s post about her meeting with her agency and it made me really SAD! I had heard some not so great news about our agency’s statistics for 2008 (rumors) and I started to get really panicky. So I called our SW. The SW we don’t really bond with and the SW that we feel doesn’t really like us and SW that we don’t particularly like ourselves. And we had the best discussion ever! I feel a hundred times better now.

She said they had had a busy year so far (in 2009) and that since the start of their fiscal year in July, they had placed 17 babies (right on track for the average of 30 they do- and since there are only 35 families on the waiting list, those are good numbers!) She told me that we have been presented (which oddly made me feel better). She also told me that we hadn’t been presented very often because a lot of the situations were awesome situations in which everyone on the waiting list would be a good match. They only give the pregnancy clients a max of 10 profiles, so if more than 10 people match, they take the top 10 in order of seniority on the list. So, right now we may not be being presented, but as those people move off the list we gain seniority.

I realized something when I was talking to her. I don’t need a baby today or tomorrow or even next month. I am being patient, I just want to feel like it is going to happen sometime(hopefully sometime this year). I also told her that with so many pregnancy announcements in my life recently, it has made my itch a little stronger. Then we got to talking about all the pregnancies. I asked her for a little advice on helping my sister get a grip on her financial reality. I told her that my bro’s wife had just announced her pregnancy and she thought I was talking about Hubbs’ sister. I corrected her and told her that she is due to have twins in a few weeks. She says, “Oh my goodness! You poor thing! You can’t even get away from the pregnancies!” The best part is, I wasn’t complaining or anything telling her these things- they just kind of came out naturally and she recognized that it would be a rough thing for me. That felt really good.

It was a great conversation and I feel so much better after talking to her. I hope that it pushed me and Hubbs to the front of her mind so she can push our profile to the front of the stack! Hehe!

So anyway, today I am not a mom, but I am comforted with the thought that I really will be one day!





Update on the Spanking Saga

18 09 2008

I FINALLY got a response from my SW (she apologized many times for it taking so long). This is what she said about the spanking issue;
“As for discipline, it is really up to you, but we prefer that it is addressed specifically if spanking is an option. You could make it innocuous-sounding (i.e. wouldn’t rule out a swat on the behind), but it should be in there and should certainly be in the context of your greater perspective on discipline, which involves other tools first. If that doesn’t make sense, feel free to ask for more clarification.”
The more I research I do on spanking, the less I think I will even consider it down the road. Before, I didn’t think it was a big deal at all – actually, I still don’t. I honestly don’t believe it does any emotional harm whatsoever. But I don’t really know if I believe it is effective and if it isn’t effective, what is the point. Obviously, I can’t predict what I will do down the road, because who knows?
So, I am going to include the little blurb from my last post on this and move on. We are going to stand by not spanking because we don’t think it is effective – not because we think it is bad.





Some blurbs….

17 09 2008

…the economy is really pissing me off right now(yeah, I am MAD at the economy – a great use of energy). It is making me worried about hubbs’ job security, which of course makes me worry about every other aspect of my life

…it makes me really mad that it takes my SW a week to respond to any of my emails or calls

…I want to FEEL like I am adopting. I don’t know what that feels like, but right now I don’t feel ANYTHING about the adoption

…I want to be excited about where I am going, but it doesn’t seem real

…I am really glad I have so much going on in my life so the emptiness I feel about our adoption process isn’t the way I feel about my life. I don’t feel negative about it, I just don’t really feel anything about it – except impatient.





Thanks, Tagged, Parties and Blessed

16 09 2008

I appreciate the advice so incredibly much! Thank you guys! I kinda took everyone’s advice and I sent my SW an email stating that I would prefer to not include anything on spanking, but if they really thought I should, I would include the blurb from my previous post. I haven’t heard back from her yet, so we will see what she says. It is funny that I feel so bloggingly blessed at the same time that I am tagged by Tracey.

Here are the rules:1. Write about 5 specific ways blogging has affected you, either positively or negatively.2. link back to the person who tagged you3. link back to this parent post4. tag a few friends or five, or none at all5. post these rules— or just have fun breaking themFIVE WAYS BLOGGING HAS AFFECTED ME:

1. Adoption Confidence: There is nothing like feeling validated about your feelings while going through this process. There are so many ups and downs, challenges and exciting steps, and there aren’t words to describe how wonderful it is to share it with people who truly understand.

2. Adoption Advice: Whenever I struggle with a decision, I can always count on bloggy friends to have advice that comes from personal experiences. Money can’t buy that!

3. Passing on my infertility “wisdom:” It is nice to share advice, stories and words of wisdom with others that are where I have been. I look forward to this even more once I am a mom and can have the same impact on waiting adoptive families as other moms have had for me.

4. An outlet for my emotions: I’m not a terribly emotional person, but infertility and adoption have evoked some serious emotions that I am not used to dealing with. It has been therapeutic to write them down – much like it was when I used to write in a journal.

5. I have become a mediocre employee: Yes, I have encountered some negatives due to blogging. I spend a lot of time reading blogs when I should be working. Part of my complacency is due to loving to hear what is going on, but part of it is knowing that as soon as my baby dreams come true, I won’t have this job anymore anyway.

Now, I tag…

Nancy

Angie

Melba

Hope2morrow

MamaJen

This weekend I hosted a bachelorette party for my BFF. I spent so much time planning it, and it went off without a hitch! She was so happy, we had so much fun, and we got very very silly on our little girls weekend. There were eight of us that hung out, and what a great group of girls.

On Sunday when I dropped the bachelorette off at her home, she said got me a gift for throwing her the party. She got in her car and pulled out a BRU bag. I got excited and jumped up and down when I pulled out two cute as can be onesies. Then she tells me that’s NOT my gift. She opens the hatch of her SUV and there is the travel system we registered for! I was so excited I cried because that was the next thing that I was going to purchase and I was stressed about spending money before all the adoption money was saved. It was such a huge, extravagant gift and I appreciate it so much! I was really nice to have someone acknowledge that this is really going to happen for me! Yay for BFFs. Thank you so much!





Discipline – I need advice again!

10 09 2008

So, I got an email from my SW stating that they strongly recommend that we CLEARLY indicate whether or not we are planning to spank in our profile.

Nothing has ever thrown me for a loop more. First of all, what do you mean by spank? A swat on the behind, bending over my knee, taking off my belt…. For me, it is a huge continuum.

I was spanked very rarely, but my husband a little more often (probably because he was a typical boy). I don’t have any issues with that, I wasn’t abused or anything.

For me, I don’t really plan on spanking. I think most of the time there are better ways to handle things and in many cases it is ineffective. HOWEVER, for me to say that I will never spank would be a lie. If my young child is behaving in a way that might cause them harm (running into the street for example), they may get a swat. BUT I do not think I will bend my child over my knee and explain to them why I am hitting them. I just can’t see myself doing that.

So, how do I explain that in my letter. Honestly, I don’t want to include it at all. I have nothing to hide, but I don’t want to go into it in my letter. I will talk about it freely during match meetings or thereafter, but I just don’t really want it in my letter.

If I DO say something, it is going to be this, “We recognize that each child is unique and requires their own system of rewards and punishment, and since we don’t plan on spanking as a form of discipline we will use lots of creativity and research (two things Bri is great at).” (Or something similar)

But a part of me feels like that is a lie. We don’t plan to spank, but a quick swat might happen.

What do you guys think? (I have been soliciting your advice a lot lately!)