Heather at Production, Not Reproduction has started a semi regular writing prompt about open adoption. I think it is great because I don’t think people write enough about their open adoption experiences. Since for me (and probably most), open adoption was our biggest fear hurdle when moving on to adoption after IF, I LOVE to read about others’ experiences.
What one thing about open adoption would you tell your past self, if you could?
I LOVE this question, but it took me a long time to find the answer. I want my answer to be that open adoption isn’t scary. But I honestly am not really there yet. I haven’t had any face to face contact with R’s birth parents since we brought her home and I am not really sure if we will. I mentioned in a previous post that I thought I ran into R’s birth mother and my adrenaline just went crazy! Not because I don’t WANT to see them, but because I don’t really have a compass to guide me through. I don’t know how they would want me to act and I don’t know how I would handle it.
When we first met her birth parents, they wanted a closed adoption. I shared my experiences (both online and IRL) with birth parents and talked to them about the positives for both them and R. About three hours later, once they had asked us to be R’s parents, they told us that they planned on receiving the letters and photos that we were required to send. We also told them that we wanted to put in our communication agreement that we would have a visit within the first year (at a minimum) at their request. We weren’t ready for more than that at that time (after knowing them just a few hours), and they weren’t even interested in even that.
I didn’t recognize Mother’s Day (or Birth Mother’s Day) with them because I was scared of how it might hurt them, especially because they were so resistant with contact. I also held back a lot of my joy in the first letter for the same reasons. After receiving the letter R’s birth mother sent to me on Mother’s Day, I am thinking of writing her a more personal letter telling her that I am going to lay it all out there and if anything is painful or uncomfortable to me, to tell me. I would rather give a little too much than her feel like we are missing something with our love for R.
Part of me is disappointed. I wish I would have had more contact with them before R was born so we could have developed a better relationship. I wish I was better at this kind of “uncomfortable” situation. I am not very good at expressing myself to new people. In reality, I am not very good a “working” at relationships. Typically if a relationship is too hard, it isn’t worth working at for me (and obviously I have been very blessed with great relationships in my life and those that I “quit” have all been friendships). But then, when I think about it, I am just learning.
So, that is what my advice would be for my previous self. Being open to open adoption is a learning process. Most people start off being scared. Nobody is an expert. I don’t think it is realistic to ask someone to say that they will allow any birth family into their lives forever. Your mind can do crazy things to you with such an open ended commitment. When you actually put a face to both your child and his/her birth family, you will surprise yourself. You will. Love is an amazing thing.
I, like many, was completely freaked out about the whole concept of open adoption. To the point where we decided to try more IF treatments. When we moved onto adoption, I was planning to insist on doing only the minimum required by our agency, and grudgingly so.
Through my friends both online and IRL, I have learned so much about the positives from all perspectives. When we met R’s birth family, I was shocked at how much LOVE I have for them. I am surprised at how concerned I am for their well being. I am surprised at how much I think about them and what they are doing, hoping that they are finding peace and happiness and I am interested in learning what I can do to help them get there.
I am not scared to have R’s birth family in my life. I do not feel threatened by them. But I am scared about how to do this. I have never had a relationship like this before. I have never been so deeply and eternally connected to someone without knowing them at all. It is immensely difficult to form a lasting relationship like that. And I am nervous. I am sooo nervous that something could go wrong because with my entire being, I want to have a great relationship with these people for the rest of my life.
So, in a sense I am kind of disappointed about where I am in terms of open adoption. At the same time, however, when I look back on where I started, I am pleasantly surprised at how much I have learned and grown. And most of is just happened naturally through the process.
Slightly spewing
26 02 2009– My little sis’ babies’ daddy (did I mention he and I used to be friends) emailed me. All it said was, “When are you getting your baby?” I can’t really explain why it was so irritating and insulting to me. I know part of it is the fact that I haven’t spoken to him since before he knocked up my sister- but I think the very nature and nonchalant-ness of the email totally ticked me off. It’s like, when are you getting that new TV you were talking about? I am surprisingly angry about it. What do you guys think? Is the content insulting or is it just me?
– Na.dya Su.leman. This whole situation is beyond irritating me. Both because of the situation itself and how the media and people I know are handling it. From foreclosures to family drama to [proposed] one million dollar po.rn contracts, Bleh! Frankly, I feel sorry for this woman(in a weird way that she doesn’t really deserve), and even sorrier for her children. The fact is, what is done is done and now there are a bunch of babies that need to be taken care of. I am incredibly sick of people saying, “she needs to adopt them out” and asking me if I would adopt one of them. Both things just piss me off. What? What the heck does is mean to adopt OUT? Grrr…. I won’t even go further into this. I’ve probably already said too much.
– A barely acquaintance asked me this weekend, “have you heard anything about your adoption yet.” My response, “No, nothing yet.” Her response, “Well, you just need to be patient.” What? Shut up. Don’t tell me to be patient when you are asking ME questions about it!
So, like I said. I am feeling irritable today!
On the brighter side, Hubbs loves his new job and he is doing great so far! I hope SOOO much that it continues to go this way for him!
And then added a few things to it. It’s like a little make-up starter kit! I’m so excited!
My SIL seems to be doing much better and I think she might actually love those cute little babies. I spent the afternoon over there a few days ago and got to hold them both at once. It was fun! I could totally do twins!
I’ve decided to send the “business cards” to our friends and family. I think I am going to just do the cards and then send a warm letter with them instead of a postcard.
Oh, and I decided to move here because I created another blog for family and I didn’t want this one to be searchable with my name and “adoption.” So, thanks for following along.
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Categories : Adoption, Family, finances, Insensitive comments, waiting