My crazy weekend

3 08 2009

– I took Friday off to hang with my little sis an extra day before she went home.

– Took R to doc for her four month. She is doing fantastic and the doc said she is developmentally more like a six month old. Oh yeah! Gotta love that mama pride. She weighed 13.5 lbs and is 26.5 inches long. Both 50th percentile.

– My refrigerator broke and we lost all our food. Hubbs went directly to having to spend $1100 on a new one. I called a repair man and they came and fixed it in about three minutes for $225. I had a coupon for 20% off, so rather than an $1100 expense, it was $180. Go

– My baby nieces were born on Saturday! yay! Healthy as can be at 5lbs 7oz 18.5 inches and 6lbs 19.5 inches. I would share a photo, but they haven’t sent me one yet. Assholes. 🙂

– Went to the lake this weekend. I didn’t want to go but when I saw the perma-grin on my 13 year-old sister’s face when we put the throttle down, it was so worth it!!

– I tried CIO this weekend with R (against my will) because I know the sitter is going to. First time she was out after 8 minutes of crying. Second time, three minutes. I think she will be ok.

– Took my sis to the airport Sunday. Cried my eyeballs out.

– Last night, R slept 10.5 hours straight in her crib and I had to wake her up!! I hope it wasn’t just a fluke and that we are on to something here (maybe something to do with falling asleep by herself during her naps???).

– Took R to daycare for the first time today. I didn’t cry until I was well on my way to work. The sitter’s three year old looked at R and said, “She has a little head.” It cracked me up so much I forgot to be sad!!! I love kids! My niece and nephew (6 month old twins) also go there, and they have my husband’s family’s giant sized head… so in comparison, she DOES have a small head. Actually, she is only in the 25th percentile for head size, so in comparison to most babies, she has a small head.

– Happy Monday! Boo!


Still here….

28 07 2009

As I come back from my little unintended leave of absence, I wonder if anyone noticed I was gone???

Things have been rather insane lately, in a good way. We have just been so busy with just about everything! Weddings*, trips to the cabin, my baby sister has been in town, working, looking for child care**, watching R grow***, taking editing and printing R’s 3 month photos (coming soon to a post near you).

All in all, things are just wonderful! Last night Hubbs said to me out of the blue while giving R a bath, “This is our baby!!” Yeah, sometimes we still have to pinch ourselves!! I feel like I just repeat myself over and over again, but I cannot express how blessed I feel. I am so thrilled to have a baby, any baby in my life. However, R is the perfect baby for me. She is just the coolest thing ever and I love her more than words can describe.

*the wedding was actually pretty nice. From behind the scenes, it was a total mess and even thought the ceremony started an hour late, I think everything went off without a hitch. R was a big hit (as usual!!) and we had a really nice time in the Northern Arizona forests!! Once I was there, I wasn’t such a grouch about being in the wedding and I actually had a little fun!!

After the wedding there was a little after party in the backwoods (which was weird, but really pretty!). We took both our dog and R with us because we were only staying a short while. Hubbs played his guitar for the crowd and R and I walked hung out and Captain dug in the mud and got incredibly dirty. At one point, a younger woman there with her boyfriend said to me, “You guys just have the perfect little family!! You guys are so cute with your adorable baby and cute as heck puppy! I want to BE you guys!” It made my heart soar to be the envy of someone else. For years and years I have been looking at others longingly to have their family… and now I have that (eventually growing) family! What a compliment! And how right she is! We are so fortunate and fulfilled!!

**On Monday R starts daycare. We met several people, but ultimately decided we are going to try to go to the same place R’s twin cousins go. They live very close (which I like R having little exposure on the roads with all those crazy drivers!!) and my IL’s can help pick her up if we need them to. The lady is nice and my ILs know her well and trust her. My only concern is that she will be able to care for three infants, but after a 1 year-old friend of R’s tried to step on her head, I like the idea of her only being around kids that couldn’t crush her skull. So we are doing a two week trial to see how things go. I have a back up just in case. I am a tad worried about how she is going to do at naptime since my grandma pretty much rocks her to sleep at every nap (even though I asked her not to, but what can you do? Fire the free help?).

***R is doing fantastic! She is growing like a weed and is doing great with her development! Her doc is very impressed!! She had her first solid foods a few weeks back. She was a complete riot!! She didn’t hesitate one bit and jumped right in and innately knew right what to do. Her little trap door just pops right open at the sight of that spoon!! It is the funniest thing! I did miss out on the messy-baby-first-feeding thing, but this was better!!

Night sleeping has suddenly become a challenge for us. I personally thing she just wants to hang out with me now that I am working, but Hubbs swears I am crazy!! I have been more tired the past few weeks than when we first brought her home. It isn’t so bad, but a lot of times I feel like she is terribly uncomfortable. Like she is trying to sleep, but her body is achy and she keeps tossing and turning. Occasionally I give her Tylenol, but I don’t want to over do it, especially since I don’t really know what the deal is. The other night, she tossed and turned and groaned from 2 am until 6 am. I felt so bad for her!! She is sleeping a little longer now that we have established a good nighttime schedule and bedtime. Also, the rice cereal has helped, too. It is like she sleeps great for like 6 or 7 hours, and then can’t get comfy to get back to sleep, which is unusual for her.

She is a total Mamas Girl right now, which is good because i need her to be. Having my grandma at our house has been very stressful and as eternally thankful as I am for her generous help (we literally couldn’t have done it without her), I am ready to move on to the next chapter where I don’t feel like I am entertaining every night. Hubbs is a little jealous of the Mamas girl thing, but he always says that he gets it, I am pretty easy to love. LOVE that man!

She goes for her four month appointment on Wednesday (can you believe she is four months old!?!? Cripes, time flies!!).

My baby sister is here!!! We are having a lot of fun, despite the fact that I have to work. We went to the cabin last weekend and this weekend we are actually going to take a trip to the lake!! I am also taking Friday off work to just hang out with her and R. What should we do????She is getting to spend a lot of time with R and really bond with her, which is cool because her twin nieces should be born any day now and she is going to live with them and have plenty of time to bond with them.

More soon! I promise!

Bits and Pieces

5 06 2009

So, it’s Friday. Yay! I made it through my first week back to work. It wasn’t so bad, but this morning I did have a fleeting thought about how this is it. This is how my life is going to be from here on out. I guess it is possible that I would be able to go part-time or be a stay at home mom sometime in the future, but with the way things have gone financially the last year, it isn’t going to be anytime soon. So, I am still trying to find my way through the acceptance phase.

(brutal, ugly, honesty confessions ahead….be forewarned. It’s not pretty.) I don’t know how I feel about my grandma being our nanny. Not because she doesn’t do a good job, but because I don’t feel like I am handling it very well. For the record, I am unbelievably thankful that she is willing and able to do this for us. I SHOULD be nothing but thankful, but I didn’t realize that it was also going to be hard for ME. Apparently, I am a complete control freak. Yesterday, she and Hubbs cleaned the ENTIRE house. How awesome is that? It made me feel guilty and then I started noticing things that weren’t done right. The biggest thing was R’s laundry. The folding was horrendous and then ALL of her stuff was just shoved in one drawer. Her socks, bathing suit, clothes, burp clothes… into one drawer. I know this sounds terrible and I should be more thankful, but in reality, I just have to do it over again. But really, I can handle that. The part that I don’t know if I can handle is how I feel at night when I am home. I feel like I am entertaining and I feel like I am being judged as a mother all the time. I don’t feel like I have any alone time with R and I feel like I am being watched while I interact with her. Now, there is NOTHING that Granny is doing to make me feel this way. NOTHING. I know it is all me and it is all part of my insecurities, but it is still there. I am also really jealous. I hate that most days she gets to spend more time with her than me, and unlike a typical situation, she is still there at night. And then, even worse, I feel guilty for feeling this way because it is so totally unselfish and wonderful that she is doing this for us. Maybe it will get better and maybe I will get more used to it.

I’m sooo TIRED. The no sleep is catching up with me. I am ready to sleep in for sure! I keep having to wake R up in the mornings and when I get home to spend time with her. She doesn’t seem to mind, though. She still wakes up with a smile. I wouldn’t. Actually, I don’t!!

Yesterday at work, my boss’s boss asked me how my daughter was doing. It gave me chills to hear that. How fantastic. I think most people say, “How is your baby.” But for some reason, the word “daughter” is so much more powerful to me. I remember I have a baby at home, I think just sometime I forget I have a “daughter.” Does that make sense? (the difference isn’t between a daughter and son, but a baby and a daughter). So cool!!

I am finally getting caught up on my reader!! I have been a bad bad bloggy friend and I am sorry. I didn’t comment too much because I was trying to get caught up… but I am back. After all, I do have 8 hours a day of company time to kill. Hehe!

I LOVE reading birth parent blogs. My favorites are the ones who are struggling with THEIR placements, but are still supportive of the adoption world. It makes me feel like there is hope out there for the adoption “industry” to be viewed more positively.

I had an unfortunate incident at work with a co-worker that made a comment about adoption being “baby buying” in a matter of fact way. She wasn’t judging, just being ignorant. Needless to say it didn’t go over well with me and my polite way of trying to handle it ended up creating kind of a scene at the office because her ignorance ran so deep she didn’t understand that I was offended and I needed to make that CLEAR. I was kind of worried that I had totally embarrassed her, but a few hours later she came and asked if I wanted to start carpooling. So, I guess the ignorance just runs too deep there. I will not be carpooling with her. I don’t love the Earth THAT much. Sorry Earth.

I drink a lot of coffee now. Like five times as much as I used to.

I thought I saw R’s birth mom at work today. Obviously it wasn’t her, but it made me adrenaline pump nonetheless. It forced me to think about the very real possibility of running into them one day. I hope I am mature enough to handle that. I have been thinking about her birth parents a lot. I write letters to them in my head all the time. I am very disappointed in the first letter I sent them. This next one will be much better.

Today is a very big day adoption-wise. And would you believe it, I forgot about it! I will post more about it once today is OVER!!

4 06 2009

Things have been so good. It seems weird to say that, but I have honestly just been feeling GREAT!! I was dreading this week. I did not want to come back to work. I am worried that we may not be able to pay our bills in the short run. I should be stressed beyond belief, but I am just so happy it can’t get to me.

Work is just work. It is kinda fun to be back in the workplace and around other adults and using my brain for work-type things. I like my coworkers, my work keeps me busy, my boss loves me and it just isn’t so bad most days (well, for all three days I have been back). But the thing is, I can’t wait to get home. I just can’t ever wait! It is such a cool feeling to be so excited just to get HOME. I have always been a homebody, but this is totally different. Totally different and wonderful and fantastic. I don’t feel like I missing out on her life all day like I thought I would. I miss her, but I don’t feel so much like I am missing out. I get up WAY early so I can hang out with her every morning. Her caregivers are making her sleep as much as possible during the day, so when I get home, I wake her up and she immediately smiles. It is the BEST! It just isn’t half bad. We will see how I feel once the laundry piles up, though!! 🙂

So, this morning, my girl ROLLED OVER!! Granny (my grandma who insists that her name has been legally changed to just Granny) arrived this morning and she, Hubbs and I were sitting around talking with R on the couch next to me. I was explaining to granny how to work the remote control and I turned back and she had just flipped onto her tummy!! Holy cow! What a strong little girl. It isn’t that abnormal at 10 weeks, but still early! She is really, really strong for her age, which is cool.

THEN, Hubbs called me at work and he got a job. ALREADY! Less than a week! That’s my guy! It isn’t his dream job or anything and we would have to make some serious cutbacks (and I would have to continue to work FT for a long time), but it is a job that would make ends meet. He doesn’t start for almost three weeks, so he is going to keep looking for something better. Major stress reducer. It’s a good news day!

***Just so you know, Granny is only 68 so she isn’t the typical great-grandma. She is young and spunky and only 4 years older than my husbands parents! She always says she was a bit of a hussy when she was younger and got pregnant young!

I did it!!

2 06 2009

It is amazing how we change. When we first learned that we would never become pregnant I was devastated. I felt like my world came crashing down and all my dreams would never become a reality. Over time, those dreams changed. I changed from wanting to be pregnant, to wanting to have a baby to wanting to have a family. Now, with R, I truly believe it is meant to be. I wouldn’t change a thing. I wouldn’t want a single thing to be different. My dreams DID come true, it just wasn’t the exact dream I thought it would be. I couldn’t be happier.

Three days ago I learned I was going to go back to work. Again, I felt like my world came crashing down on me (I know, dramatic, huh?). Well, today I did it. Today I went back to work. And it really wasn’t so bad. In fact, I kinda enjoyed myself. Ok, so i guess if I am honest, I didn’t do any real work today. But the sitting around waiting for tech support to get me back up and running was ok. How could you not have a good day with this as your screensaver???

This morning, R was perfect. I set my alarm for 6 am so I could wake her up and play with her for 45 minutes before I had to get ready for work. At 5:55am she woke up. I got to feed her and enjoy that first hour and a half of her morning when she is at her best!! After I showered, she sat in her bouncer while I got ready and we talked and sang songs. Then, I rocked her to sleep and immediately left for work. Heck of a morning!!

Tonight, she has yet to wake up since I have been home, but since she got her two month shots with Dad today, I won’t wake her up to play. I’ll be a good mom and give her the night off. She better start learning to be awake in the evenings, though. ‘Cause I am the boss!!

Her whole doctors visit was great, although Doc confirmed that we need to start weaning her out of sleeping in the swing. We are working on it, but eight hours or five hours of sleep? She is such a DREAM after eight hours of sleep! She is 10 lbs 10 oz and 22 and 1/2 inches long. Her head grew to whatever the 25th percentile is (that is all the info you get when you send the Hubbs!!) which is good because I was worried about her small little head! The rest of her is still in the 50th percentile, but at least her head is out of the 10th!

So, I am working on a schedule where I do my grocery shopping during my lunch hour. There is this great farmers market right by my work and if I use a reusable shopping bag, I can just store the produce in the fridge at work. It should be pretty safe and I will save myself about an hour a week at the store and I can have more time with my kiddo AND I will save money at this little treasure of a supermarket!

Thank you all SOOO much for your kind words and support! I really needed it and it really helped me get through today with a smile! I know I have been a pretty sucky bloggy buddy lately, but with me having 8 hours a day on company time, I should be able to find more time to blog! Hehe! How terrible is that?


29 05 2009

So, I am feeling very insecure about going back to work and leaving r. I am scared she won’t know me and I am scared she will feel abandoned. Working moms, can you make me feel better and tell me it isn’t so bad…..? I know MOST families are both working parents, how do you make it work?

Also, my SW emailed me about our next visit. Is there any way this could affect the finalization of the adoption? I mean, we can pay our bills (barely) right now, especially if I go back to work, so other than that they shouldn’t care, right?

Absenteeism and the Unemployment Bug

27 05 2009

I have been very absent lately and I it doesn’t seem like it is going to get any better. We have had a great couple of weeks and then a terrible one.

Let me start by saying that I know I am blessed. I am thankful beyond belief that I have R in my life. She is the greatest blessing and I love her to pieces. I am thankful for my job and my husband and my tremendous family. That being said, things suck.h

My husband got laid off… again today. Seriously? Uggghhh!! The company he has been working for (which recruited him from his old job) hasn’t paid him salary in a month and laid him off today saying that the wages he is owed will be paid in about 120 days. That doesn’t seem legal and definitely isn’t ethical, but that is the least of my concerns. So, now we have gone 8 weeks without either of us getting a paycheck, and now there is no income in sight for either of us. So, 120 days can kiss my ass.

So, my maternity leave will be cut short. Monday I will be headed back to work and leaving my two month old baby behind. (I AM thankful that I have the opportunity to do that, BTW!!) I know this isn’t the worst thing that could happen, but I am pretty devastated about the whole thing. It just crushes me. A year ago I was set to be a stay at home mom, yesterday I was set to go back part time and today I am going to be a full time working mom. Don’t get me wrong, I know I am blessed, it just isn’t how I imagined things and I am, once again, grieving the loss of a dream.

So, next week my step-mom is our nanny. The week after, my grandma. The next two weeks, my mom. What a great family I have.! I feel comforted to know that 1) R won’t have to be in day care any sooner than she was going to have to be yesterday and 2) We won’t have the added expense of day care for a month. The thought of trying to find a day care provider makes me well up with tears. So, I guess I am just sad. I am not feeling sorry for myself, honestly I don’t care so much about struggling with the money, I am just sad about what I am going to be missing out on. It does make me mad that because we are adopting R and didn’t give birth to her, I haven’t been paid for this time off at all.

Your prayers would be greatly appreciated.

Also, my dog is sick. Poor baby.

After my negative post, I leave you with this…

….makes it all worth it!